I have a new goal: I want to age well...how about you?

I've told my 27 year old son many times, "What you do in your 20's, 30's and 40's comes home to roost in your 50's, 60's and 70's".  Pretty profound I think!  Although it covers all parts of life, for this blog it's about health.

When I was young all I thought about was being good enough which meant being thin which meant years of starving on a bad day and being on a very strict diet on a good day.  I have continued with that cycle on and off until I was 54....I'm 54 now.  I'm sad to say that has been my story....at lease my "personal-deep down-nobody knows" story.  Thankfully I have been blessed with so many wonderful gifts in my life that I've always had some balance.  

And now that story is home to roost.  I believe my years of bingeing and depriving myself have caused my body to say "enough"!  I have been diligently working the plan for months and the weight remains the same.  Last week I stopped using my weekly 49...am hoping for results from that change. but I have a feeling it's going to be very slow going and I don't particularly care for slow going!  So I've decided to see this as an opportunity to switch my focus from weight loss to health and personal happiness.  

One of the gifts I've been blessed with so far is good health....knocking wood as I type...and I'd like that to continue.  I've seen some people in my life aging and some of them are remarkable and some of them are tragic.  I want to be remarkable.  I don't want my 20's, 30's and 40's story to be my final story.  

Some of the ways I am updating my story:

1. I have accepted the years I've wasted: it's hard to move forward looking back.

2. I have accepted wasting any more time would mean I've learned nothing

and THAT would be tragic!

3. I've seen how movement or lack of movement can help you be remarkable, 

or tragic, at any age.  I happily move my body every day.  

Nothing fancy, I walk and I stretch.

4. Sugar is my enemy and for me it is an addiction.  

I'm not saying I will never have sugar again but I personally never bring it into my home.  

 I work at making non-sugar food plans when dining out.

5. I'm working on detaching my self worth from the number on the scale. 

Because it has been my story for 45 years this is a major challenge for me. Trying to accomplish that while still wanting the number on the scale to change is delicate work. 

6. I believe the food we put in our bodies can be medicine or it can be poison.  

I choose medicine.

7. Not only do I try to do things that make me happy, I try to do them without guilt.  

Guilt cripples joy.

8.  I let things go.  I know, so much easier said than done!!  

How is your story going to end?  Have you updated it lately?  

What choices will you make today so you will always be remarkable?

Well, surprise, surprise... I survived! And I didn't buy chips!

What an emotional roller coaster these past few weeks have been....I am exhausted!  In a nut shell, I did really well and only slipped slightly into an old habit.  But to be fair, I did not anticipate it so it blindsided me.  Will explain later.

I was so good at the wedding, even I surprised myself!  Was it because of the weigh-in fear?  Of course it was but I'm still taking it a win!  I had just 2 adult beverages, and was going to allow my 3. The dinner was the dreaded "B" word....buffet but I had only a huge amount of green salad and 1.5 pieces of chicken for dinner.  I had no dessert:  that decision was actually quite easy because I made up my mind before even going.  I knew I would just keep going back for more....so all or nothing? Nothing. Which also meant no wedding cake or cupcake....my husband had both.  There was one food element I was not counting on.....a chocolate and candy buffet!!!! What????  Who does that????

I did not even go over to look at it.  And finally even though I had not accumulated many FitBit steps during the day we did not leave until I danced almost 6000 steps! 

So how did I feel after the wedding?  Really proud of myself.  How did I feel the next morning before weigh-in? Sick to my stomach.  I went for my walk (got knocked ass over tea kettle by the neighbor who tried to run through me to play with James) and just kept telling myself "Relax, you will be fine." (thanks Lynda!)

So I had a pee and weighed-in and yup, I'm still 10 pounds over goal.  The head office weigh-er smiled and said "Perfect, thanks Joanne" and had no judgement.  Why was I surprised?  She is a member just like me and just like you. Jackie came up to me and asked me how I felt about it...we're all in this together!

I will admit I had a bit of difficulty feeling worthy to be there for the rest of the meeting. And this is when the old habit crept in, "I made it through all this and I don't have to weigh in for another month... I'm going to get a big bag of chips (go to No-Frills - get a PC flavour I've never tried) and a large Lindt chocolate bar (and not the 70% cocoa one either).  I had totally forgotten about an habit of mine: drowning my sorrows after a stressful time!  

After the meeting I chatted with Jane who always gives such leveled headed advice! Sitting in my car I thought about My Success Story.  I am writing it and just as part of it is facing my fears and dealing with the emotions, so is acknowledging a destructive habit and choosing to not give in.  I did not get the chips and chocolate bar.  I did have a wee nip of Moonshine when I got home, a girl can only take so much in one day!  And I did add a tad too much (a large tad) cheese and sour cream to my veggies. And I had a protein bar with a nice thick layer natural peanut butter for dessert.  But...I did not have chips!   And I've thrown out the rest of the sour cream.    

So how do I feel now?  Well, the facts:

1. I didn't die

2. I handled two very stressful situations as well as I was able

3. I'm very motivated to continue writing My Success Story

4. It's a process, not always easy but always worth it

5. I'm very grateful for you all

Thank you!

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” - Pema Chödrön

I am really relating to Pema's quote these days!  
(Doesn't she have the best face?)

As I mentioned in couple of weeks ago, in my FEAR post, I have a "head office weigh-in" this Sunday at a staff meeting, and I have a wedding to attend on Saturday!  Up until two weeks ago I had been so fearful of that weigh-in that I was making myself sick.  Then thanks to My Success Story, I have bravely been working on my success story.  And my success story requires I learn from, and learn to manage, my fears.

It's not been easy and I have to remind myself that it is I who is giving myself this difficult time.  It is I who has placed judgement on what I perceive as my failure, not my bosses: they know all too well this is not an easy journey and help is there for my asking.

So, I've been eating well, tracking, and walking but most of all I've been both letting go, and leaning into, my fears.
Letting go: I have decided I will not weigh myself this week, only on Sunday at the staff meeting (it's only Monday, so we'll see how this one goes!).
Leaning into: trying to accept my weight will be what it will be while feeling only love/acceptance for myself and my efforts.
It's not be easy and I won't lie, I had thoughts of "I'll just won't eat this week" on my walk this morning but I've also had moments of feeling truly okay with myself and wow, that felt wonderful, liberating and very foreign! I'm imagining what it would feel like to live life in that state.

This is another one of Pema's quotes and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. 

I've been asking myself "What is it I need to learn from the "weigh-in" situation?"  The answer that pops into my head first is "Really??  With all the real problems I could have THIS is what I'm using my non-reproducing brain cells on?" 

I know how deeply rooted my self-worth is to my weight so what I'm really learning now is that my weight is just the manifestation of feelings of unworthiness. This just occurred to me: maybe even though weight issues are painful deep down I've decided they are way less painful that the truth.  Ummm, something else I just learned, interesting.

Well, this is just Monday and history tells me this week will be a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster, but that's okay, it's all part of my success story!  What will be your success story?

Update:  It's now Wednesday and my resolve to not weigh in before Sunday is waning to say the least!  I really feel I need to stay the course and deal with the "I must lose weight before Sunday" feelings that are overwhelming me.  Honestly, they are giving me a headache and that pisses me off because headaches make me want to eat!!!  But my "why" these days is to love and accept and I really feel I need to face the weigh-in and see how that feels.  Who knows, I may not even die!

The good news it's Wednesday and I get to see my all loving, all accepting peeps!  If you find this last statement a bit sappy, sorry, that's just the way it is this week!

   

Are you addicted to....sugar???? I am/was, it depends on the day.

Most of us love sweet, sugary food but some of us are addicted to it.  Research reports "A junk food addiction is a lot more like a drug addiction than researchers previously thought.  They now claim sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine."  EIGHT times more!!!  Where are the Public Service Announcements about this???  Oh, right, it's a legal drug.

If you, like me, struggle with sugar, maybe you are addicted to it. I got this list from Medical News Today.

• The person takes the substance and cannot stop - I went to a family buffet/BBQ and did not have 1 dessert because I knew I would have 10....not a figurative 10 but an actual 10!  Was just lucky to be having a strong day and decided before hand not to have any.  I still had a goodly amount of yummy old cheese instead...sure I racked up the calories but still count it as a win!
• Withdrawal symptoms - I remember one of the many times I gave up sugar. I was in high sugar consumption mode for months, I was so sick with headaches and body aches that I had to go to bed for 3 days.
• Addiction continues despite health problem awareness - In my opinion nothing makes the weight jump up like consuming sugar because it's also a gateway food for me.  I need to eat lots of fat and starch to balance me out how crappy the sugar is making me feel.  I'n sure there is a upper/drowner correlation here but thankfully I can say I don't know it.
• Social and/or recreational sacrifices - I'm either excited to go to an event, usually when I'm "using" or dread it, usually when I'm "on the wagon".  If there is food involved, rarely am I able to just attend an event and enjoy.   
• Maintaining a good supply - I never have sugar in the house anymore....NEVER, EVER.  Does a cocaine addict Okay to just get a bit in for the weekend?  Even when I buy a bag of chips, it is with the intent of eating them immediately, but I can be one and done with them....IF I don't keep bringing them into the house.  Then they would, and have, become a drug for me.
• Dealing with problems - Nothing makes our problems seem to melt away like stuffing our faces with large amounts of sugary crap.  Ya, that ends shortly after the last wrapper is ripped open.  Do you want one problem or two, right?
• Obsession - It amazes me how much time I have spent/still spend on thinking about food.  I even dream about it.  I had a WW dream last night:  We were entertaining the Costa Rican WW membership and the "salad" we gave each person was a huge, honkin' bowl of mashed potatoes with 4 whole green peppers thrown on it, and the dessert table...like a church bake sale!  I woke up in the sweat.
• Secrecy and solitude - Man, does this take a lot of planning!  I used to hide my intake, which meant buying and consuming and destroying the container/wrapper evidence.  The secret is to always buy two so you can quickly replace what disappeared.  Sad but true.
• Denial - I knew from a very young age, thank you Cosmopolitan, I had a problem.  Living in a grocery store certainly didn't help. Imagine an alcoholic living at the Liquor Store.  Also, thank you Cosmopolitan for telling me every month I was not up to par and for showing me the many ways I could improve myself.  Ummm, I wonder if there is a lawsuit there?
• Excess consumption - Again, more amazement.  People are amazed at how many pieces of pie I can eat.  I tell them it's because I don't eat bread and potatoes.  I still tell myself I will have just one piece of pie and I think I really believe this will be the time that will be true.  It has never happened....it's all or nothing....usually all.
• Dropping hobbies and activities - I've never not taken part in a hobby or activity because there may or may not be food.  I have done so because I've been afraid of not being good enough.  
• Having stashes - The fear of not having a fix available if needed drives us to put sugary bits in our grocery cart and pray we don't run into someone we know.  The trick is to cover it up with large leafy vegetables and toilet paper. You know you have done it too.
• Relationship problems - The biggest blow back from my sugar addiction was the shame, disappointment and lack of self control I felt within myself.  And when you feel that level of failure it has to spill over onto the people you love.

So where are you on the sugar addiction scale?  Do any of the above ring true for you? 

I know this is cute, but don't let this happen to you!

Get out of your own way!

I am an expert on this one!  I have set up many road blocks, windows and doors that have kept, and still keep me, from success ALL the time!  Why???  If I knew that I'd be on a book tour right now.

You can hold yourself back by always blaming others or life in general for your misfortunes, never taking responsibility for your own happiness or unhappiness.  We've all done it at one time or another but some of us have that negativity so ingrained in our personalities that we don't even recognize it. We just know we are unhappy and feel unsuccessful.  Could this be you?  Not sure?  Start paying attention to your reactions to others and situations. Do you blame others ALL the time?  Do you never think about the hand you may have had in the situation?  

So let's connect it to weight loss: Do you always find an excuse as to why you're not losing weight?? Too busy?  Kids were home? Stressed out at work?  My spouse buys junk food? No time to exercise? No time to track? If these phrases come out of your mouth or into your head on a regular basis, perhaps you are standing in your way to success by not taking responsibility for your your life and your actions. 

You can also hold yourself back by refusing to accept that you DON'T need to change who you are to be successful.  That is the little nasty habit I've been working forever!  It's the "once I've lost weight I'll good enough" dance.  I'm really sick of it and am working on it!

But I think it's the biggest road block of all because it's tied to the very essence of who we think we are.  It's tied to the most important love of all, self love....and yes, I know, cue the Whitney Houston music, but it's true!  

Again, I'm going to think like my dog James thinks....

" I love everyone and I am super smart, super cute and super sweet...my Mom says so!