It's time.

Time.  Buddha says, “The trouble is you think you have time”.

Lately life has brought about many reasons for me to think about time. I woke up with a start early this morning and had this thought, "It's time to stop. Stop what I asked. Time to stop trying to fix yourself.  You don't need fixing, nature does not make mistakes.  Everything in nature is as it should be. It's time to stop."  Even in my semi-sleep state I "talk" a lot.

I have been trying to fix myself since Grade 6... that's 45 years! I marvel, and/or lament, that one moment in math class, a moment that was catastrophic to only me, set me on a path that would last 45 years.  I think I've given enough time to this unnecessary and soul destroying quest. Every time I think of the time I've wasted I want to cry but that would just be wasting more precious time wouldn't it?

Okay, now that I've had this epiphany, how in hell do I stop thinking that I need fixing, that I am not enough as is?  How do I stop thoughts, damaging as I know them to be, that have become me, are me. The enlightened-Oprah-watchin' me knows my thoughts are not me but the ego. I understand it all when I'm listening to Eckhart Tolle but man just thinking about putting that into practice makes my brain hurt.  How do I stop paying attention to thoughts I've been living my life by for 45 years!  I guess one thought at a time.  Like everything else we want to change and master, one step, one thought, one day at a time.  As thought of needing to "fix" comes in, I will notice it and replace it with "nothing to fix, I am enough".

Whenever I write a post like this I can't help but wonder, "Is it only me?" But then I think of all the people I have conversations with about feeling less than and needing to be fixed and I know sadly there are many of us still attached to those moments in time when we started to believe we were not enough as is.  Is it time for you too to stop? I don't mean to upset you but have you thought about all of the time you have wasted trying to fix yourself?  I'll bet there are a few people who can beat 45 years.

I have to pause and think about that one but if I am truly not the voice in my head, then Hallelujah, what a relief because quite frankly she is becoming a pain in the ass!  

And NEVER shuts up! :)

This is a difficult one for me because I never give up but I guess it's not giving up if you were never meant to do it in the first place is it?  I was never meant to fix myself because I was never broken.  I see that now, but yup, that's gonna take a while.

"We get the life we tolerate." Tony Robbins

He said this during his last visit on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" and I've not been able to get it out of my head since.  At first I found it to be quite harsh as if he was saying is dismissively but then realized I was just projecting my negative self image into it....I am so freakin' predicable!  Once I was able to take emotion out of it I started to grasp the full meaning of how it related to me, and by me I mean my inability to get back to goal weight, of course.

I have always been able to tolerate what it took to lose weight, at least for short periods of time!  For the past 20 years (20 years???) I have been able to tolerate not eating starchy foods because at first it helped me lose weight but then I noticed I felt so much better (translation: was not constipated).I thought I was strong and dedicated. As it turns out, yes, I was strong and dedicated but I was also 35.

Two years ago I gained 11 pounds in 2 weeks (Puerto Rico: mucho chips and beer, no walking, no tracking) but the moment I came home I went right back to tracking and walking and lost about 4 pounds and then hit a wall... could not lose more.  But I keep on trying (for 2 years now!!) because it worked 4 years ago. I keep on trying the same thing expecting the "original" results and nothing. I finally had to accept what I did to lose weight 4 years ago now is maintenance for me.  

So, in order to lose I have to change my plan in two ways: 1. not eat my weeklies  2. do more than just walk 4 times a week. So far I have done neither of those things.  Why?  Well, after much soul searching I have come to the conclusion that I just don't want to.  I like to use my weeklies every weekend and I don't want to add a zumba class 3 times a week.....I just don't want to.

Now my challenge is to tolerate my decision so I can be at peace with it. That is turning out to be a bit of a bitch because I am not a quitter and my over-thinkin' little brain is having a really difficult time tolerating the "I just don't want to" attitude.  Because I must always have a plan, it is my plan for the time being to work on allowing myself to tolerate maintenance which means tracking my daily and weekly points and going for 4 or 5 walks a week. All I will be changing is my attitude...haha..we'll see how that goes!   If I find I can no longer tolerate being over goal, then out comes the zumba video! 

What are you tolerating?  Are you okay with it? What are you unable to change because you've been tolerating it?  And if you're unable, or unwilling, to do what it takes to change it, are you willing to try and accept it?

This I know.

I know we need to pick one...tolerate or change. 

There is no peace living in the middle.

Is grief stopping me in my tracks?

I haven't written a blog entry for a couple of weeks because I quite simply can't focus long enough. I'm beginning to wonder if it's grief.  I wrote briefly a couple of weeks ago about the sudden passing of ex-husband Carl, and the overwhelming pain I felt, and still feel, for my son Glenn.  I know I have been grieving for Glenn and others in his Dads life but have I also been grieving for myself?  Of course I have.  It's a different kind of grief when that person is not in your daily life. We grieve for that which is gone.

So for me this is just some of what is gone:

- knowing my son can watch, and bitch about, the Jays and the Leafs with his beloved Dad.

- the person who taught my son about all the "really good" music and movies of 50 years ago

- the person who sometimes drove my son nuts so he called me to complain about him

- the person who had very strong opinions on everything which showed up nicely in our sons  personality and helped him be the deep thinker he is today.

- knowing the other side of our sons safety net is gone, now it's just me.  

- the only other person who truly knew just exactly how magnificent and absolutely splendid the little boy born on January 26, 1988 really is.  I think this one is the hardest.

Re-reading what I just wrote has made me see that I'm still allowing only the Glenn part of my grief to be recognized. This one is the hardest for me to admit because it's tied to my biggest regret and failure as a wife and mother: I'm finally grieving the person I thought I was supposed to be, tried very hard to be but was not able to be.  I'm finally grieving the death of a young woman who so desperately wanted to be what she was expected of her but finally could not.  I guess it's appropriate that she dies with Carl. We grieve for that which is gone.

Lately, I've said too many times, "Enough with the people dying!".  In fact I said it about 5 hours ago when we learned about the death of another friend. Sometimes in life there is just a run on death among the people we know, that is just the way it is, and will continue to be.  I've given up on trying to find meaning in it and have just accepted it as life...and death....the circle of life.  The one thing every death has in common is that it reminds me just how fleeting and fragile life is and to stop wasting time. 

And this one was Carl's favourite...