Wednesday, 26 September 2018

I bared my arms in public and did not die.

Once while I was out walking, in my fun state of what could be possible, I found myself feeling courageous and brave. I felt it so deeply that as I was striding along I blurted out, thankfully just in my head,  "Today it is possible that I will bare my arms in public!"...and ZAP...all my new-found feelings of courage and bravery immediately slunk back into the shadows.  So I said it again, and again, and until I was tired of myself and took off my hoodie and slung it over my shoulders.  Whew, I was actually walking out in public, arms bared for all to see and much to my surprise I did not die, I survived.
 
Today I was out walking and I met 2 older men walking along the boardwalk, one about 80 and the other one 90.  We exchanged good mornings and the 90 year old asked me how I was and I asked in return how they were and he looked at me, smiled and said, "We are surviving."  As continued my walk I realized that's exactly how I feel, I am surviving and although sometimes just surviving is us doing our very best, I don't want to live my life in survival mode anymore.  I want to thrive!  As we grow up we're taught by the adults in our lives the basic skills needed to survive but how many of us were taught how to thrive?  Most of who we are emotionally was planted by someone else and, for better or worse, people plant what they know.  Now it's up to us to decide if we want to thrive or merely survive.

"When you hold on to your history, you do so at the expense of your future."  
Bishop T.D. Jakes

In order for us to thrive we have to let go of the past and the negative emotions we've attached to it.  I've been in therapy for these past two years and one of the most valuable lessons I've learned was that by trying NOT to feel my feelings of fear, sadness and unworthiness I was actually giving them more power.  So much power that they filled my entire being, leaving no room for hope, joy or self-love.  My therapist asked me to try letting the feelings surface, allow myself to feel them and just observe, and much to my surprise I observed that I did not die, I survived!  And another surprise?  As I brought them into the light, bit by bit,  they started to melt away and lose their power.

Now I have room for gratitude, hope, joy, acceptance and self-love. I don't think we ever get rid of all of our negative emotions because they're part of the fabric of who we are. But now when the old emotions come up I have cultivated powerful new ones to help soothe them away. I am gratefully and joyfully planting the seeds of possibility for my future and they are thriving!  Most days. :)

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Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Some days possibilities seem impossible

Last Saturday I woke up feeling guilty and selfish.  I was to go to my parents to help out with my Mom who has Alzheimer's and I didn't not want to go.  I just wanted to stay home for one weekend and do a whole lot of nothing, in my house, in my cookie and dumpling free, air conditioned house, with my comfy bed waiting for me at the end of the day.  

So I went for my walk anxious to state my possibilities for the day, then feel the shame I felt melt away.  That did not happen.  Time after time I stated, "Today it is possible that..." and nothing. I tried "Today it is possible I will give my Dad a much needed break", " Today it is possible that I will put the needs of my parents before my own".  Still nothing.  No uplifted feeling or renewed sense of purpose.  I still did not want to go.

And then that voice in my head said, "It's okay to not want to go." Then the possibilities started:
"Today it is possible I will do the things I don't want to do."
"Today it is possible I will accept feeling selfish and guilty as part of being human." 
"Today it is possible to accept that life is not turning out the way I had planned."
"Today it is possible I will show up anyway for those who need me."
"Today it is possible I will feel gratitude for my good, my bad and my ugly."
"Today it is possible my ugly will lead me closer to living in grace."

It was a shorter walk that day and I'd be lying if I said I arrived home with the same feelings of calm and hopefulness that I felt last week.  But I did feel at peace.  By stating my truth in the form of possibility I was relieved of the idea that giving loving care to others requires total selflessness. It doesn't, it requires you show up and do your best.

And as I walked into my parents house that day I realized that these weekly visits have given me the gift I have been waiting for my whole life.  I guess I didn't notice the gift sooner because it wasn't "packaged" the way I had always dreamed it would be.  I had always dreamed I would be told how good I was and that I had done well by the one person I have butted heads with for as long as I can remember. Instead the person that I had always put on a pedestal, constantly seeking out his approval, told me he needed me and thanked God every day for me and my brother.  His approval was packaged in gratitude.
That day my Dad looked at me with his 85 year old eyes and said, "I've already plugged in the fridge in the garage so the beer will be cold."



Wednesday, 12 September 2018

Today it is possible that....

This is my first post (well, the first one that I've published) since October 6th, 2016.  But today it is possible.

First a wee bit of background to catch you up on what I've been up to during that time.  In a chronological nutshell, my friend died suddenly, my son's father died suddenly, an old friend committed suicide, my husband of 17 years decided he didn't love me anymore and left, I witnessed the death of one of my dearest friends, I sold my house, I moved to Cobourg, my Mom's Alzheimer's is breaking my Dad's heart which in turn breaks mine.  Yup, that pretty much covers it.  Everybody has their stuff to go through and that's okay.

Fast forward to this morning.  At this time of year in my WW meetings we've been talking about setting our Fall goals which for many of us seem to include getting back on track after the summer!  No surprise there.  We've talked about setting goals to start tracking again, start exercising again, start drinking more water again, start cooking and freezing in portions again etc, etc. etc....you get the idea, the things we always seem to be "getting back to" as WW's.

It's not been lost on me that as a WW Leader I should be setting an example and nailing at least a few of those but, other than drinking lots of Perrier, I'm not.  And, like so many of you, even though I've always been a goal setter I'm finding it difficult to put those goals into action right now.  

So I'm starting with the baby steps we so often talk about.  As one WW member said when it came to getting back to tracking, "I just do it, it's not perfect and sometimes not accurate, but I just had to start the process."  Genius!  We just have to start the process!  I think often we don't start because we project onto ourselves the need to be perfect, and who can be perfect?  No one.

This morning as I sat down at my computer to check my email my inner voice said, "Today it is possible that I could go for a walk".  Ummm, that's interesting but was possible and so I went.  And the moment I started walking down the street my mind started churning out possibilities:

Today it is possible that I will walk farther than I walked yesterday.
Today it is possible that I will say "Hello" to another walker.
Today it is possible that I will feel like part of the community simply by walking in it.
Today it is possible that I will forgive.
Today it is possible that I will feel joy.
Today it is possible that food will not rule my day.
Today it is possible that I will meet a kindred spirit.
Today it is possible that I will set boundaries that take into account my comfort and happiness too.
Today it is possible that I will not eat through a stressful or sad moment.
Today it is possible that I will do something to make someone happy.
Today it is possible that someone will do something to make me happy.
Today it is possible that I will hear a particular song and not want to cry.
Today it is possible that memories will not make me feel sad but grateful to have made them.
Today it is possible that I will feel gratitude for everything that has happened in my life...everything.
Today it is possible that time does indeed heal all wounds.
Today it is possible that I will write a blog entry for the first time in almost 2 years.

Honestly there are too many to list, it was a long walk! Some were poignant, others were fun and but all sounded like goals, or to be precise, gentle goals.  Then I got excited because I thought of my people and our goal setting strategies!

What if listing possibilities is a gentle way of putting our goals into action?  Saying what is possible is not demanding and doesn't threaten us with failure.  I found just reciting the words, "Today it is possible that..." made me feel calm, peaceful and hopeful.  Many of us are afraid to set goals because we're afraid of failure. Afraid that by saying a goal out loud, or even to ourselves, that if we don't follow through we'll have to admit that we've failed...once again.  It dawned on me as I was walking and stating possibilities that failure did not even enter my mind, that I didn't feel the threat of failure looming as it so often does. I felt as if they were already happening; "what you think you become, what you feel you attract, what you imagine you create."   

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I choose to also dwell in possibility.  How about you?