My closet is trying to tell me something.

This is not the topic I want to write about (again!!) but it's what keeps coming out of my fingers so I give up.  Good grief!

When the person with whom you have had the most difficult relationship in your life dies, is that the end of the relationship?  Of course the answer is no, the relationship lives on in our thoughts.  My Father fell and broke his hip on Tuesday June 11, was operated on Wednesday June 12 and died Saturday June 15 and I've been struggling ever since to figure out how I feel about it. I do know I feel so grateful that through coinciding life-altering events we banded together to care for Mom, and each other, and the possibility of what our relationship could be emerged.  Even in grief there are gifts.

In the past couple of months I've noticed the floor space in my walk-in closet getting smaller and smaller but frankly I find it fascinating so have decided to let it play itself out.  It wasn't a stretch to realize it has something to do with either my divorce, my Dad, my Mom or my weight but I couldn't pinpoint it.   Turns out it's related to all four, of course.

I see now I endeavoured to avoid the grief of my divorce by immediately focusing on the needs of my parents.  It was purposeful action (which I thrive one) and since I was at my divorce weight I thought I was good to go because no one ever gains that weight back!  I gained the weight back and more and had to buy a bigger size.  But here's the thing with a closet, it's like the mind, it only holds so much and mine is full of clothes than are now too small so all of the new clothes I've bought are hung on the ends of hangers, draped over the hangers, stuffed onto the shelves or simply left on the floor in bags.  My clothes basket quickly got buried and instead of washing all the clothes in it, I just picked out the clothes that needed washing.  To be fair to me, most of the clothes in the basket have been in there since last winter so I tell myself not to worry, winter is coming, they'll get washed.

My closet as an outward manifestation of my thoughts and this is what my thoughts are trying to tell me:
- I'm tired of being the grown-up so I've reverted to my messy "you can't make me" teenage self, but only in the closet, because, after all, I am a grown-up.
-looking after my Mom's and Dad's affairs is exhausting and I can't face adding one more thing to my to-do list.
-I'm angry that it took my divorce and Mom's Alzheimer's for my Dad to finally need me.
-you don't lose a marriage, a Mom and a Dad and not be forever changed and a big part of me is resisting that change.
-I'm afraid I'm not really capable of being the strong one.
-if you don't allow the grief have it's moment in your heart it will take up residence in your closet. Or your thighs, hips or belly.
-if I get rid of the clothes that no longer fit me, that means I accept myself as I am and I'm not sure if I'm willing/wanting/able to do that yet.

When life spirals out of control we cling to familiar behavior, even the behaviour we know is not in our best interest.  We choose to stay weighed down by anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial because the thought of opening up and acknowledging these feelings is overwhelming.  We're afraid if we open that door we may never get it shut again plus there may have been a time when anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial kept us safe.

Each journey is different and we all travel at our own pace.  Usually it's the pace that feels safe to us and we must honour that feeling with love and self-compassion.  Just keep moving and seeking and bit by bit, as you allow the light in, you will start to feel safe in your own capabilities and fear less.  It is possible.

"In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you."

This journey of mine has been many things since I started on it at the age of 10: my friend, my enemy, my keeper of secrets, but most of all it's been my teacher.  Certainly not my favourite teacher like Miss Axford but perhaps my most important teacher.  

In my WW workshops I often ask "What have you learned?"or "What do you think that was meant to teach you?". These past couple of years have been extremely challenging and at times have nearly broken me. In order to find meaning in it all I turned to self-reflection and growth. I have asked myself over and over again, "What am I meant to learn from this experience?"

And here's some of what I've learned:

I've learned no matter how many truly loving and caring people reach out and offer support, most of the time it's just me so I need to search within myself and find the connection to the power that is bigger than me.  I must say it's having a profound effect on my healing and growth.

I've learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  This particular lesson was, and continues to be, difficult as I'm a people pleaser and don't want people to not like me, even those who have hurt me.  In order to maintain my integrity I try to make a point of only standing up for myself and not tearing someone else down in order to do so.

I've learned forgiveness can set you free and give you back your power.  This was a huge game changer for me!  I've never been one to hold hate in my heart but have had occasions when very well meaning friends and family have encouraged me to do so.  I'll admit I tried it on for size for a brief time and felt the power of it but very quickly felt the flip-side.  Hate started to consume me and kept me reliving the very pain I was trying to stop.  Then one Wednesday night I was driving back to Cobourg and my mind was running away with itself as it so often did/does on those long drives and I suddenly had a vision of myself typing, "I forgive you.". Wow!!  Where did that come from???  Whenever I'm confronted with an idea that I'm not sure of I just let it settle and percolate.  I was told by friends that I'd being saying what was done to me was okay and that I'd regret it but the thought persisted and one day I thought, "It's time.".  I will tell you it was one of the single greatest factors that lead to my healing.  It's not about them, you forgive for yourself, not for them.

I have learned to trust my gut.  Anytime in my life when I have not trusted my gut I've regretted it.  And for me it's quite literally my gut.  If I'm following what is good for me my gut is at peace.  It seems that my gut is more evolved than my brain.

I've learned self care sometimes means putting yourself first.  This is hard for so many of us especially when others need and depend on us.  I've learned it's okay to remove yourself from a stressful situation and go home and watch Netflix.

I've learned it's not only okay to say " I'm sorry but no" but that sometimes it's essential for your well-being.  This one still does not come easily, the whole people pleaser thing comes into play here, but I've learned true friends will understand and to my knowledge no one has ever died because I said "no". 

I've learned that I'll never be free of my story of unworthiness until I love all that went into making it.  Since "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." I'm working daily on self discovery and acceptance.  But these past couple of weeks have been testing the strength of the hold those feelings have on me and man, oh man, they are not going away without a fight! I've found myself behaving like a teenager and engaging in self-sabotaging, and quite embarrassing, behaviour.  But it's particularly difficult to feel worthy when the pain is tied to someone who was supposed to love you.  Like so many of you this challenge continues because I've had it with me the longest and we cling to what is familiar even if it causes us pain.

I've learned....








Not one of us can change the experiences that shaped us but each one of us can change how we feel about those experiences.  Many of our experiences were engineered by someone else; they are not ours and they only define us if believe they do.  We may have been shaped by our experiences but we are not our experiences; we are all wonderful beings of love and possibility each with the power to write our own story. 
It's your time now.

Why, oh why?

What is your "why"?  Why did you walk through the workshop door? Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to feel better?  We all know this journey begins, and ends, in the mind so identifying "why" you want to change a part of your life helps you stay focused and also helps you to refocus when the journey gets blurry. But knowing your "why" does not guarantee you are living your "why".  And here's why: living your "why" requires action, more specifically, action that is in alignment with your "why".

When it comes to actions that line up with our weight loss goals we all know the standard actions: tracking, activity, attending workshops, being kind to yourself, food planning and prep etc.   And we know when we put these actions in place we lose weight and feel better.  But why is it then that time after time I hear, "I'm doing everything I did before when I was losing but now I'm not!?  Why is it that some people can have a setback and the moment they start aligning their actions with their goal the weight comes off again?  As a coach it really pains me when I see members hurting and frustrated because I know what a slippery slope it can be.  I know it because I live on that slope too.

And then last night on the drive home after our workshop, where we talked about bringing our actions into alignment with our goals, it hit me why it works for some people and not for others: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment!

Think about it: when you first walked through the workshop door you already had a feeling the plan would work because it works for a friend, a sister, a co-worker or a neighbour!  So you got excited about it, signed up, started tracking, moving, preping food, going to your workshop and on Connect and you lost weight!  Happy, happy, joy, joy...the plan works!!  Week after week you became more confident, feeling lighter in your heart and your knees and hips were singing with joy!  

And then, as in EVERYONE'S journey, life gets busy and/or stressful and perhaps you miss tracking for a few days or you don't have time to prep so a little more fast food creeps in or you're too tired so you skip your daily walk.... for a week.  So then, you're either afraid you've gained weight so you skip your workshop or you decide "to face the music" and weigh in and yup, your weight is up.  As feelings of failure leap at the chance to reign again you resolve to get back to all the actions that helped you lose the weigh in the first place and, yay you, you start tracking, preping, walking everything....and the weight doesn't come off, and maybe you go up a bit.  You sit in workshop after workshop wondering what it is you're doing wrong?  You think, "Others have had setbacks and they lose the weight once back on Plan, why not me?".  

I've thought the same about my own journey for several years and now I know why: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment!  The people who get back on track and get the results still believe that the Plan works....EVERY time!  The feelings they attach to the actions of tracking, food prep, activity are joy, belief, confidence, peacefulness, happiness, satisfaction and well-being....just like they did the first time the Plan worked for them!

So I ask you, what are the feelings you are attaching to your actions?  

-Are your tracking but fearful it won't work or do you love the feeling of security tracking gives you? 

-Are you getting activity in only to lose weight or because it feels good to move your body and calm your mind while making your knees and hips happy?  

-Do you begrudgingly take the time to plan, shop, cook, chop and bag food because it's important or do you happily plan, shop, cook, chop and bag so you can come home at the end of a stressful day to a delicious and easy meal?

-Do you look forward to your workshops because you enjoy being with your loving tribe or are you scared if you don't go you'll gain more weight?  

-Do you feel nervous in the check-in line no matter what kind of week you've had or do you review the past week without judgment and believe you're not a number?  

-Do you attach shame and fear of judgement to a gain or do you smile and say, unapologetically, life just got in the way last week? 

Where your head goes your body will follow.

  

And finally I cried...

My Dad has been gone for over 2 months now and until last night I had yet to cry more than a few tears.  And because I'm a fixer, I grew tired of "letting the grief happen".  I know grief hits everyone differently and in their own time but I wanted my time now!  Sad movies have made me cry but not about losing Dad and Mom.  I even watched "Fried Green Tomatoes" last weekend and nothing. I looked for "Beaches" but couldn't find it.  I used to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and think of Dad and cry sad/mad/glad tears a lot.

It's funny how the mind works, how it blocks our what may be too difficult for us to handle.  About 15 years ago my son Glenn and I watched "The Notebook" and I cried my eyes out and said to Glenn that if Mom ever got Alzheimer's Dad would be a "Noah".  Little did I know that prediction would come true, in Denbigh style of course, but never the less, he was a "Noah".  So it's odd that in all of my serious efforts to bring on the tears I only thought of "The Notebook" last night.  

I found it on Netflix and settled in for the cry.  As the opening frames of the movie start and I saw mature Allie standing in the window of the nursing home where she now lives and I started to cry immediately, and then sob uncontrollably and then turned the movie off.   I didn't cry because of thoughts of Dad being dead and Mom in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, I cried because the actress playing Allie is to me a dead ringer for the woman my husband left me for and I was shocked at the depth of my pain and the obvious grief that still lingers at losing my marriage.  I wanted tears and very specific I'm-sad-my-Dad-has-died tears!  Not a sneak attack of let's-dredge-up-the-past-one-more-time tears!  Not only that, I scared my cat Stuart who was napping on my lap!

I decided to face it head on and continue watching the movie, after all I'm on a mission and felt I needed to allow whatever emotions might surface to do so.  Since I've seen the movie at least 4 times I decided to skip through it and only watch the parts with elderly Noah and Allie and sure enough when the final scene came I cried and cried. But I didn't cry about losing my Dad and Mom, I cried about losing what I thought I had in my marriage but obviously didn't.  And there they were: the familiar feelings of unworthiness, ever present and ready to surface, leaped at the opportunity to take over. Even so I was surprised as I am in many ways healed from my divorce and my grief acceleration was meant for the loss of my parents. And, yes I can hear my therapist Paula chuckling to think that the words "grief" and "acceleration" could ever be used together.  But she knows me and that I would think it plausible.  I guess it's understandable my grief is over-lapping so I now accept and welcome it all for I know the only way through it, is to go through it. 

I've developed a practice of asking myself "What did I learn from that experience?" and I cannot tell you how many times the answer has been "Because I am not good enough."  In order to move forward I'm being challenged by my grief to examine my entire belief of self.  And not just acknowledge it, I've acknowledged for years that I live in constant fear of not being enough.  I now accept that until I change that belief I will continue to be hurt by the past and by the actions of others.  I will continue feel like a failure when I'm unable to control my eating, when I can't convince myself to get off the couch and go for a walk or when I'm unable to do the very simple things like food prep and tracking my food.

To that end I have decided to quit it all and focus on my physical health by means of focusing on my mental health.  Does that mean I'm quitting WW?  Not for a moment!  Wellness that Works is about more than losing weight and for this WW coach/member it means shifting my focus from what I eat to why and how I eat.  I will listen to my body and eat when it's hungry.  If I want food I believe not to be in it's best interest I will question why I feel the need, for example, to eat the last 3 pieces of cake at once, like I did yesterday?  When I stand at the counter to scarf down my salad I will question why is it that I can't take 5 minutes to sit down and enjoy it?  When I sit on the couch even when I know a nice walk along the beach would elevate my mood, I will ask myself why I don't believe I deserve to feel better?

And, once again I must write, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema Chodron  I guess grief is meant to continue being my teacher.  I have learned this lesson, tears are not the only physical measure of grief, sometimes it's hives. 🙄  I look like I could only afford to get fillers in my top lip and that is not a tumour growing out of my jaw, it's my earlobe.  And yes, I had a WW workshop that morning.  It worked out okay, kinda like a Show and Tell teachable moment wrapped into a comedy bit!

I'm so excited to finally start peeling back the layers and letting the light and love I freely and joyfully give to others help heal my own wounds. I figure if I can see the worthiness in everyone else perhaps I can see it in myself. Does that ring a bell with some of you??  Can you see the worthiness in others but not yourself?  Time to shine your heart-light on yourself!

For the first time in my life I trust in the new habits I've formed and that my letting go will not lead to endless binging. This is not to say there isn't some fear of gaining weight but this I know is absolutely true for me: if I don't get to where I believe I am enough as I am right now, then I will never lose weight anyway.  And, if not now, when?

What do you believe?  Do you believe you are enough?  Enough just as you are now? 

 If you do, Yay You! Please help others by being a shining light of love and compassion!  

If you don't then Yay You too, for you have an opportunity to change your belief! 

And, as always,

 if you believe "I am not enough" please, please allow your

 tribe members to help you change that life-crippling belief to 

"I am enough."

Oh, the courage it takes....

Oh, the courage it takes...

-to get out of bed some days

-to get out of bed and not eat cookies for breakfast

-to look at yourself naked in the mirror

-to not look at yourself naked in the mirror

-to start over yet again

-to walk through the workshop door yet again

-to let the most wounded and vulnerable part of you show

-to talk about your pain to your tribe

-to ask for help

-to summon a kind word about yourself

-to turn towards joy when fear makes you feel more comfortable

-to face your fears without the certainty of success

-to try and find out who you would be without your armour

-to acknowledge to yourself that you matter

-to say "I love you" to your reflection in the mirror

-to put yourself out there and risk possible rejection

-to reject all you've been taught and listen to your heart

-to take charge of your own evolution

-to admit when you're wrong

-to take the leap of faith and forgive

-to feed your soul and not your fear

-to be the first to apologize

-to not worry about what others think of you

-to take responsibility for your own happiness

-to trust you are enough

-to stand up for your beliefs regardless of what others think

-to take yourself out of situations that no longer serve your best interests

-to follow your joy and bliss without guilt

-to sit in the hot mess of grief and pain and allow yourself to feel it

-to release the grief and the pain after you've honoured it

-to let go of toxic relationships

-to be kind when sometimes you just want to slap someone

-to release the need to judge yourself and others

-to show up for yourself when it seems no one else will

-to show up for yourself when it seems everyone else will too

-to walk in the light

-to be the light

-to not be afraid of the dark

-to make peace with the dark

-to believe what you have to say someone else needs to hear

-to allow yourself to heal

-to find the lesson in a painful situation

-to accept life is not always fair

-to make the best of the life that is yours

-to accept all is how it is meant to be

-to embrace change and see it as an opportunity for growth instead of a setback

-to put yourself first

-to put others first when you sometimes really want to put yourself first

-to be honestly happy for someone who has the life you desire

-to see the humanity in everyone

-to see yourself in everyone 

-to take your place among the worthy and know you belong there

What are you grieving? You may be surprised.

As I continue to wind my way through this process called grief I find I'm unable to write about the topics that usually drive me to my laptop, topics like weight loss, motivation, addiction, fear, self esteem, shame, unworthiness, failure...you know the fun stuff that connects us all together!  I'd been thinking that I have nothing to say at this moment that will connect us in the way those topics do but then this morning I realized was wrong, we have grief.

The term grief is always associated with the loss of a loved one because that is the highest and greatest of losses but what about all the other losses we endure?  Are we grieving and not even aware of it?  

What are you grieving?  Could it be...

-the loss of what you thought your life was going to look like by now?

-the loss of the childhood you never had?

-the loss of the person you became when you lost 50, 60 or 70 pounds because you gained some or all of it back?

-the loss of the freedom to do what you want to do because you're looking after someone else?

-the loss of your purpose because you no longer have to look after that person?

-the loss of the ability to dream?

-the loss of the belief that dreams can come true?

-the loss of a body that no longer has the strength to do what it once did?

-the loss of a job you loved or hated?

-the loss of having somewhere to go every day?

-the loss of feeling in control of your life?

-the loss of the you that used to have hope?

-the loss of the idea that you would love finally yourself once you lost the weight?

I could go on and on because the truth is there's the potential to suffer a loss in all areas of our lives. As I read over my off-the-top-of-my-head list I noticed most of the list is made up of the loss of an idea instead of an actual loss, like a job or the loss/use of a body part.  When I think of it much of what I grieve over on a daily basis is an idea: the idea of what I thought my life was going to look like. 

While the things I listed may be lower on the grief scale they still deserve our attention because left unattended the effects of all grief can be accumulative and affect us in ways we don't realize.  In our workshops we often spend time trying to identify the emotions that lead us to over-eat or self-sabotage but all too often we can't put the "why" we're feeling those emotions into words.  Could it be because it's not brought on by an easily identifiable event (like a death) but because we're grieving an idea and not aware of it?

What has you so mired down that you often feel angry, numb, unfocused and unmotivated?  Is it the loss of something tangible or a loved one?  Or is it the loss of an idea?  If it's an idea of who you thought you were going to be and you're not, or what you thought your life was going to look like and it doesn't, allow yourself to grieve the loss. Chances are you've had that idea a very long time so look at it with love and acknowledge the pain of letting a part of yourself go.  Recognize hanging on to the idea no longer serves your highest self, then focus your huge capacity to love and your own bright light on what you do have so you can begin to heal and dream again.  

Even in grief there are gifts.

I've been grieving for a long time.  It started two years ago with the end of my marriage and a life I thought was mine, and now it is the loss of both parents in the space of 2 months to the day.  Mom left our lives on April 15 when she went into long term care with Alzheimer's and Dad died of a broken heart on June 15.  So my brother and I are now left to each answer the question grief insists you ask yourself, "So, now what?"

I think the one lesson we all learn is that there's no fast-pass through grief.  I, of course, learned that the hard way during my divorce thinking I could skips the stages and move quickly into a new life....and no.  We typically associate grief with death but in reality it's the suffering of a loss and every one of us has felt it.  This time I've decided to feel the pain and listen to what it has to say, really I have no choice because it never shuts up!  

The first thing my pain said to me when I was packing to rush to Denbigh to be with my brother was, "What will I wear to the funeral?  I've gained weight again and there'll be so many people who haven't seen me since I left 40 years ago, and why, oh why couldn't I have kept my divorce weight off???  I looked good then!"  So, yes, one of the first things I felt after hearing about my Dad's sudden death was panic and then shame.  Shame that in one of the worst moments in a person's life I worried about looking fat. Still grappling with that one.

Then my pain fed me the line that everything for the funeral needed to be perfect which sent every insecure fiber of my being into overdrive. I convinced myself that I could handle everything on my own and not fall apart.  Still haven't fallen apart yet, so that's not going to be pretty when it happens!  

We decided not to tell Mom about Dad for obvious reasons.  After "seeing" Dad at the hospital I went to visit Mom at the residence.  I searched her ever increasingly vacant eyes and felt a huge wave of sadness and then a huge wave of gratitude; Mom would be spared the pain.  She was shocked that I had come to visit her all on my own, after all I'm only 10.  Grieving the loss of someone who still walks the earth is the grief that never ends and that's what killed Dad.

"After life care" is the gentle term used for the paperwork that has to be done when someone dies.  About a month before he died I was reading Mom's POA, Dad was reading over his Will and said it was good. He then told me that when he died I would have to look after everything.  This is where feelings of anger towards Dad have come up.  For someone who was always, and I mean always, right and dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", how could he have missed that he neglected to remove Mom as his executor! I understand he was grieving and beyond worn out but the extra hoops I now have to jump through from the bank to HydroOne are so frustrating!  And almost every change has to be made in person so that means 7 hours of driving for me.  I feel guilty for feeling frustrated.

I also feel guilty about the few times I put myself first and opted to stay home for a weekend instead of going to Denbigh.  My logical brain tells me that I made those decisions knowing that self-care is important for all care-givers but now all I can think of is one time after spending 2 days with him Dad begged me to stay another night and I didn't. 

And then there's the guilt of feeling resentment. I was just getting my life back and starting to feel on solid ground again and now the ground beneath me feels anything but solid.  Guilt is extremely versatile, it can be served as a main dish but also pairs well with other negative emotions.

And then there's the precursor to all negative emotions: fear.  As I've mentioned in past blogs Dad, like many of his generation, lead a fear driven life and instilled that quite nicely in his children.  He was a Warrior parent, if a crisis hit he was the man you wanted on your side.  He would circle the wagons in an instant and make you feel safe.  Who's going to circle the wagons now?  Apparently I am but where in hell do you get wagons these days??  Costco? Some days I find myself crippled with the fear of inadequacy and must force myself to get out of bed.   Thank you again to my cat Stuart who can be quite insistent.

I just realized a gift this very instant.  As I was writing some of the words above there was a voice in my head that kept whispering,"That's no longer true."  Grief has forced me to question my life long belief that I'm not capable, that if a time came for circling the wagons I would not be up to the task.  The reality is I was the one who circled the wagons around the family when we needed it and Dad knew it.  And he also knew Mom would continue to be encircled for a long as she lives.  I need to revise that part of my story.

Another gift of grief (and writing) is as we are forced to face our feelings it becomes very obvious what we still need to learn.  How glaringly obvious is it that my ancient wound of "not being good enough as I am" has not healed?  But as embarrassed as I am to write down my panicked thoughts about not wanting to look fat at my Dad's funeral, I did it because my desire to heal is stronger than my embarrassment.  

Grief is complicated, unpredictable and insidious.  Because it's tied to every negative and fearful thought we have about ourselves it forces us to question everything we've come to believe.  And that's the gift of grief.  We perhaps don't recognize it as a gift because it's wrapped in pain but it is a gift.  Or maybe it's more like an Escape Room and you can only get out once you've answered all the clues and found the right key to the lock.  Either way, you can be released if you choose it.

Now to answer the question, "So, now what?"  To loosen the grip grief has on me I've adopted a spiritual philosophy which states we can choose to look at all situations through a lens of fear or a lens of love.  I see now that for most of my life I've looked at situations through the lens of fear and have the battle scars to prove it.  But now I choose/try to look at all situations with love and the moment I do I feel a shift in how I feel!  When I feel weighed down I look for the love and feel lighter, feelings of weakness dissolve and strength shows up,  resentment is replaced with compassion, and when I feel overwhelmed and drowning, focusing on the love lifts me out of the current and fills me with peace.  Pretty big gifts, right?

During the past two years I have been so blessed to have shared similar life-altering stories with so many of you and continue to do so. It's like we're all in an Escape Room working together to solve the challenges laid in front of us in order to navigate our way to freedom and we've finally discovered the key......and it's love.

Life is not meant to be white knuckled.

"I walked in hating myself and never addressed that.  I just white knuckled it."

That is part of the comment B. left on our WW FB page after reading my last blog.  I broke down in tears when I read her pain.  In the past weeks her words "I just white knuckled it." have stuck with me, in fact I have used the example of "white knucking" it in my workshops because I know so many of us do exactly that.

With some people it starts right off the get-go because their self loathing is so great they perceive any small weight gain as proof of their unworthiness.  Others start off with a burst of believing they can do it but that belief is tied to their idea of what success looks like and the moment they don't measure up to that idea that fragile belief is shattered, fear sets in and they force themselves into white knuckling mode.  But as we have all no doubt found out white knuckling is not sustainable so we let go and it's then we realize we've not developed the new habits and thoughts which will help us navigate through life's situations. We slide back into old habits, and even older thoughts, this time desperately clawing and grasping to any thing and any idea to prevent more weight from coming back on.  I know this from years of experience, and it is exhausting both mentally and physically.  Not to mention, it doesn't work.

Oh, my wonderful, and often hurting, Tribe members, life is not meant to be white knuckled! But when our motivation to change is only self-hatred I think white knuckling is inevitable because like B. we don't want to address it, we just want to change. I looked up the origin of the term and noticed another term, "White Knuckle Sobriety"...."the practice of desperately holding on to sobriety without working a recovery program....by trying to hang on to sobriety without working toward recovery, they are attempting to treat the symptoms rather than the disease."  Sound about right to you?

So what to do?  When I think of the years and years of effort I've put into trying to fix myself and I still feel unworthy in many ways it makes me so sad to have wasted so much time. And I wonder what would have happened if I had spent that time cultivating self love?  But the reality is that I did what I did and there is no going back and changing it but, good news, every day we wake up is an opportunity to not make that same mistake because "when you know better, do better."  Every day gives us the opportunity to do better by loving ourselves better.

I know many of you have no idea where to start and the thought of releasing the tension on your knuckles fills you with fear, I know the feeling well!  But fear and self hatred are just practices, but you don't think of them that way because you've been doing them for so long they are your way of life.  But we weren't born full of fear and self-hatred, we picked them up in bits and pieces at a very young age and soon that's who we took ourselves to be.  Time to change our story.

How? We're going to start releasing that tension on our knuckles by picking up bits and pieces of self-love and joy!  And, more good news, you're already doing it every time you:
-notice a feeling of self-hatred
-choose to read or watch uplifting messages
- empathize with the pain in others
-choose to do what is right for you regardless of what others think
-desire to live your life in a different head space
-voice your thoughts to others or write them down
-show a kindness to another
-make a conscious effort to live in gratitude
-make the choice to eat a healthy meal
-go for a walk or dance in your living room
-give your attention to what you want instead of what you don't want
-give yourself permission to feel good
-choose to believe when others tell you how wonderful and fabulous you are
-choose not to believe when others, or the voices in your head, tell you that you're not wonderful and fabulous
-join a community of like-minded seekers

And, even more good news: we don't have to white knuckle it to shed the fear and self-hatred, it will begin to fall away on it's own as we shift our attention to picking up those bits and pieces of love and joy!  And I know it works because I am experiencing it in my own life in a huge way and you can too!!  Love and joy is there for everyone, you just have to start letting go so you can pick them up! Yay you!

Embrace your emotional pain.

We all have it and we all hate it because it hurts!  But think about it, being in emotional pain is perhaps why at times we're open to personal growth and change, and yes, I know it's often because we're desperate but that's okay, desperation is often the last shove that gets us to the threshold of change.

When we're unhappy and in emotional pain self preservation springs into action.  We start seeking out ways to relieve the pain and often that's when, and why, we walk through the door of our WW workshops.  We join up, start tracking, walking and losing weight...Yay!!!... and for a while we're on a roll so we stop seeking.  We believe our emotional pain is caused by our weight so it stands to reason once the weight starts to come off we believe our pain will end.  But it doesn't always, does it?  And once the honeymoon weight loss period is over for some of us the weight starts to come back on and we start to panic, and more weight comes back on.  

And I know what you're thinking, "What about So&So, they lost weight and they've kept it off?"  Yes, it's true some people lose the weight and keep it off and believe me I've talked to those people at length and here's one key factor they have in common: THEY walked through the door loving themselves but wanted to lose some weight NOT wanted to lose some weight SO they could love themselves.  

They say a toothache or a migraine is some of the worst physical pain one can have because it's in your head.  Emotional pain is some of the worst pain a person can have for the same reason.  I've been running from emotional pain my whole life and it's just now that I've learned that in order to ease my pain I must first embrace it. And that's a scary thing to do because embracing means bringing closer with affection and that's the last thing we want to do!  But as it has turned out embracing my emotional pain is leading me on the most profound and loving path of my life. My pain caused an emotional fight or flight response which painfully lead me to understand you cannot fight your way out of emotional pain, you have to grow your way out.  And the way we grow emotionally is to plant new thoughts and ideas.

So I started seeking. Since self-help books put me to sleep, I listen to self-help audio books and inspirational Podcasts daily and I watch Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, TED Talks or YouTube videos to start my day.  I am replacing my constant seeking of ways to make myself worthy with constantly seeking the joy that is uniquely me.  And that is not a statement of conceit, haha...if you know me at all you know I  deleted that line several times before leaving it in!  And yes I still hear my father's voice "about getting a swelled head" but now I understand he only passed on what he was given. I left it in because it's part of my personal growth to acknowledge that there is joy in being uniquely me.  

And I believe with my whole heart and soul that there is joy in being uniquely you too!  Now is the time for you to start believing it.  It may seem impossible to weed out the negativity you feel about yourself, but what IS possible is to plant new joyful and loving thoughts.  And once you do and start to feel good and hopeful the emotional pain will start to be released.  You will be in growth mode and no longer content to feel unworthy so you'll want to seek and plant, seek and plant and reap the benefits.

Embrace your emotional pain, it's your soul's way of telling you it's time to grow!

.

I can totally relate.

This morning I was so lucky to have a moment to answer a fellow WW member-friend's message inquiring about my Mom and received back message filled with words of kindness right when I needed them. I don't need to share why I'm feeling empty right now (if you're reading this you most likely have read much if not all of my sharing (over-sharing??) in my blog. I've felt the need to write an entry but just couldn't land on a topic until now. In addition to the many lovely and kind words you have shared with me about my blog, one word keeps cropping up: relatable.

This is what I wrote back to M.:

"Thank you so much for you words, I really need them right now. I know it's grief, guilt and fatigue that are hitting me now but I'm really struggling with food because I have huge chunks of time when I just don't give a crap and then I feel like crap both mentally and physically. I'm carry a 10 pound food baby right now and yesterday I thought my skin was going to burst! And I feel so guilty about wanting to come home last night when my Dad begged, actually begged, me to stay another night but I just didn't have it in me. I reasoned that if I stayed until 6 and he goes to bed at 8 and would not be up until long after I had left in the morning that I could do what I needed to do for me but still feel guilty as hell. He's lost the love of his life and yet she still walks this earth and he's in so much pain. So thanks for your words, best timing ever, and love the comment "Continue to be the Fruitloop in life’s bowl of Cheerios!"

Well, Tribe, can you relate?? I know you can because everyone has something in their life that causes them to feel grief, guilt and/or fatigue. And even though I know for sure that when you least want to go to a workshop you most definitely need to go, if it wasn't that I'm coaching the workshop tonight this WW member would skip it and sit on my couch and eat, possibly a whole lotta chips.

But M's words have lifted me so I'm going to send them out to all of you and hope they lift you too!

"Give yourself permission to feel what you feel without the guilt. You got to do what you got to do to get through this nightmare. Most important is to get your mental health in order and be sweet and kind to your lil self. Do some nice things for yourself that you enjoy. Find good counselling, meds, meditation, walks, friendships, salon, spa, ....... Don’t go near anyone that’s negative or a pain in the ass right now if you can help it. Yeah. Your dad needs you but you’re no good to him or anyone if you’re exhausted, guilty and depressed. Make good WW food choices when you can and track...... but other than that, let it go and you gotta fix yourself first. You gotta a friend in me, so feel free to bend my ear."

So, Tribe, 

if you're having a day, a week or a year we can all relate

 and if you join us maybe we can lift you too!

"Some days you just got nothin'."

This morning I sat down to check with the WW topic for this week and was dismayed to see it is "Ease emotions (without food)".  Normally I would love this topic because ya'all know I love to delve into the food/emotion pot and stir it up!  Love it!

But today I thought, "I'm going to have to really fake it today, cause I got nothin'."  Today I'm recovering from a weekend of trying to ease my emotions with food.  My Mom is still in the hospital waiting for her slow-down-Rebecca meds to kick in so I can move her to a secure floor in a retirement residence.  My Dad, brother and I spent the entire weekend pretending all was okay because apparently I'm the only one who likes to talk about our feelings.  I was determined not to repeat the cookie episode from last weekend when I chowed down somewhere between 3 and 8 large Macadamia nut cookies and then took the last 37 of them and soaked them with soapy dish water, then mashed them up and hid them in the compost container.  Yes, that happened and yes I belong to a family where no one notices when 45 cookies go missing!  But this weekend no cookies, just everything else that was not nailed down.  Have you noticed that they don't nail chips down like they used to?

On my way to Denbigh I was not hungry but stopped anyway and got a can of Pringles and on the way home three days later I was not hungry but stopped anyway and got a can of Pringles.  Both times the can was gone in about 7 minutes and that's not an exaggeration...about 7 minutes.  Yup, I'm that good.

Back to this morning...still nothin'!  Even though as a WW Coach we are members first we still try to lead by example but today...."I got nothin'!" 

I started to think of Weight Watchers re-imagined to WW - Wellness that Works.  And Wellness is not just about the food, it's also about self compassion and perseverance. It's about not berating yourself when you can't get your rings off because of all the salt in the chips.  It's about drinking more water to offset all the salt in the chips.  It's about going for a walk to clear your head or going to bed early if you haven't the strength to try and clear your head.  It's about getting up the next day and deciding to have scrambled eggs with a side of fruit for breakfast instead of the last 3 cereal bars with a side jar of peanut butter. It's about going to a workshop and lightening your burden by sharing it with your people.

So the next time you think you've got nothin' remember all that Wellness means to you and work the ones you've still got.

"It's such a horrible disease..."

That's what people say when they ask about my Mom, who has Alzheimer's.  Almost two weeks ago at dinner time she was taken by ambulance to Renfrew hospital with pneumonia.  It really wasn't the pneumonia that landed her there, it was that she didn't know she had to stop eating if she started to cough, so she kept trying to eat and swallow while she was having a coughing fit.  It's such a horrible disease.

I've been visiting Mom daily these couple of weeks.  Once while visiting her I went to the cafeteria for a bad cup of coffee and ran into a woman I grew up with and she asked about Mom.  Her Dad had just recently died with Alzheimer's so she knew first hand what we're going through.  Unlike my Mom who has remained very sweet, her Dad became mean and at times violent with her Mom before he went into long term care. She said, "One time he just grabbed Mom and through her up against the wall, and Mom is smaller than you so she really went flying."  

My brain slowed right down as I remembered a thin Mrs. M. from 40 years ago and I'm ashamed to say I stopped listening to my friend and thought, "Did Mrs. M. gain weight so now she's much bigger?  Or am I almost as small as Mrs. M.???"  Luckily at that point some sense of decent sensibility kicked in and told me to shelve that thought and get back to acknowledging my childhood friends' pain.

Back walking the halls with my Mom, I allowed myself to take that thought off of the shelf to examine it.  I'd like to write that I showed self compassion and gently questioned why in the midst of sharing great pain with another person a part of me was thrilled with the thought that I was almost as small as Mrs. M. but my first thought was, "WTF is wrong with me???  What kind of shallow, ego minded lunatic misses the part about an old woman being thrown up against the wall, but clings desperately to the part about the poor woman being "smaller than you"??? Ahhhh..again...WTF???"  Fortunately, again, sensibility kicked in and I thought, "What would a Weight Watcher do with that thought?"  The answer: A WW member striving to become their best self would acknowledge the thought and lovingly shine the light of curiosity on it, so that's what I did. 

Watching my Mom mindlessly trot ahead of me, stopping every few minutes to ask me "Who's going to bring me my lunch?", I marveled at the human brain.  First there's my Mom who has lost most of what made her unique (like being both wonderfully well-read and adorably naive!) yet her endless preoccupation with the next meal remained.  And then there is my brain that in the midst of great stress still has the capacity to think about my weight.  Here's proof Hartman's never stop thinking about food!

It's such a horrible disease, and this time I'm talking about the disease of low self esteem and even lower body image.  It's insidious with far reaching thought-tentacles that can worm their way into any situation at any time.  At my beloved Nan's funeral a rather nasty cousin commented that I looked lovely in my black wool dress and fur hat.  A person with a healthy sense of self-worth would have given her a polite thank you and moved on to the people whose opinion mattered, but not me.  I still remember every moment of it like it was yesterday: I was 24, still very deep in my eating disorder and I was thrilled!  Thankfully that's now a sad and sympathetic memory and not a happy one.  

My next question is "What have I learned from this?"  I've learned not to critically judge any thoughts that come up even during times of stress. Perhaps they're able to surface during stressful times  because our mental sentries are running on empty so they're able to slip through and insert themselves inappropriately into current situations?  But what I've really learned is once again, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."   Damn it!!  Why is learning self-love taking so long???  Perhaps I should be asking myself why do I keep putting it at the bottom of my to-do list?  Why don't I give my most sincere and loving attention to the part of me that's still in pain?

I do know that I don't want to get to the end of what will surely be a very long and fabulous life still wondering if I'm good enough, or even worse, trotting around a hospital ward endlessly searching for that which only I can give myself but sadly is no longer within my power.

Wow, doesn't that blow your mind???  

That's a whole other blog topic!!

Where do you live?

Do you live in the past, present or the future?  You may think you live in the present but every time you wish something was different than it is you're living either in the past or the future.  

I tended to live in the future, always planning for the next thing that was going to make me happy: a trip, a relationship, a new job or a new haircut.  I was always searching for the next thing.  

I think it started when my Aunt (yes, the 80 year Las Vegas cocktail waitress) started bringing me dolls from all of the countries she visited on her many travels. Playing with those colourfully dressed dolls from Spain, Italy, France and Thailand, to name just a few, took me far away from my present and into a surely happy future.  Even my Barbies were always packing their little suitcases and leaving for bigger and better lives.  Malibu sounded lovely.

For no sinister reasons, I was not a happy child in my home town.  I always thought life would get better when I moved away but since I was only about 10 at the time I did the only thing I knew to get me out, I retreated to my thoughts and Harlequin romance books.  I also started planning my move to Toronto and even created a Toronto persona, Diane Rahm.  I used to walk out the back door of our house and walk around to the front door of our general store, walk in and pretend I was a tourist, "Hello, I'm Diane Rahm from Toronto."...fortunately my Mom made my family play along.

Finally I was 18, moving to Toronto and life was going to change!  All my years of merely existing and waiting to be happy had come to an end.  I was going to let Diane Rahm loose! I would lose weight, find a boyfriend, get new haircuts and be happy, happy, happy!  But, alas, since life is not a romance novel or a movie on Lifetime I was left with reality, and Betty Crocker icing. 

Fast forward 40 therapy-filled-and-self-reflection years later and where do I live now?  Well, I still plan the next trip, think about changing my job and ponder new relationships but each and every day I now take a moment to breathe and gives thanks for the life that is now my present.  I've come through a lot to get here and I don't want to miss the life that is my one and only anymore.  I have joy, peace and a haircut that suits me.

So where do you live?  When you say you used to lose weight so much faster, that's living in the past.  When you wait to celebrate how far you've come on your Plan, that's living in the future.  When you accept what is your now and find the joy in it, that's living in the present.

Stay in your own lane, you're doing just fine there.

As a coach I often have members share their struggles not only about their perceived lack of progress but with thoughts of how their progress is not measuring up to that of others.  While it's okay to take a look at how one might tweak their own personal plan to get the results they desire, it's never productive to compare yourself to another.  

As soon as you start comparing you will find yourself lacking in all sorts of ways because one only compares when they feel they are lacking so they start searching outside of themselves.  A person who is secure in who they are rarely compares themselves to others and if they do it's more out of curiosity than the need to be different.  All you need is within you, it's never inside of someone else.

So time to embrace the unique blend of DNA that is you and know you offer something the world needs...YOU!  No one offers support like you do, love like you do, joy like you do or kindness like you do.  No one has your light to shine out to the world, only you!  Comparing yourself to others only serves to dim your light not make you shine brighter.  I think many of us have learned that particular lesson the hard way and wasted a lot of time in the process. 

So stay in your own lane, you're doing just fine there!

Walking through the door.

I remember well the thought I had running through my head weeks before I walked through the door of WW for the first time: "I really want to join, but I want to lose 10 pounds before I do."  Didn''t make sense but I know many of you thought the same!  And then after becoming a member there were the thoughts that always followed an off plan time, "I won't go this week, I just wait until I lose the weight I've gained while I had company" or "on vacation" or "after 3 birthday celebrations in one week" or "on this new medication", or fill in the blank.

As a coach and guide I've heard all of the reasons to miss a workshop and have used most of them myself.  The absolute truth of the matter is the most important workshop we can attend is the one we don't want to attend!  When the plan is going well and we're losing weight it's fun to attend, watch the number go down on the scale and hear the "Yay you!.  I've seen people actually hop on that piece of tin instead of stepping gingerly as they often do!  I've also witnessed many members who've showed up when they didn't want to and were so glad they did.  They put their best interests first and were rewarded; they connected with their people, soaked up some positive energy and left renewed!

The courage to show up for yourself is not always easily summoned and we often have so many negative thoughts that strive to over-ride it.  Having our own best interest at heart sometimes means stepping towards our fear and doing what we know to be best instead of what we know is least painful.  Ignoring what is best for ourselves may be least painful in one moment, but it almost always brings more pain in the next one.  Showing up shines a gentle and caring light on your fear and can help release your pain.  

So the next time you're contemplating not attending your workshop for whatever reason remind yourself there is no judgement waiting for you, only love and understanding. We are here for you always. So show up for yourself, no one deserves it more!

What are you meant to learn from this?

That is a question that I doubt means little to those who are not struggling and facing challenges.  Or perhaps when life is going along nicely we instinctively don't ask ourselves just in case the answer rocks our sense of self and security, yup, that's it, I've done that many times.  But if your sense of self is already rocked, learning to question and look for the lesson can be a lifeline.  

I'm reminded of a Pema Chodron quote "Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know."  I believe I've used that quote in a post before but I don't think I fully understood the magnitude of it.  NOTHING goes away...NOTHING goes away...not fear, not unworthiness, not shame, not addiction, not anger, not jealously, not guilt, not anxiety, not loneliness, not sadness...NOTHING!

I used think that if I lost weight all of my pain would go away, so I lost the weight (several times!) but the pain did not go away, I was just momentarily fitting into a smaller size. I now realize that in order for the pain to go away we must learn what it is our pain is meant to teach us.  And I think in order to find the lesson we must become aware and look past the cause of our pain and ask what it is we have learned.

And here's how I know "nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.": the first time I went to Las Vegas to visit family I was 16 and was worried I was too fat so I starved myself and just before I went I lived for 4 days on tea only.  Thinking back, every time I've gone to Las Vegas since I have starved myself before I went!  What???  In one week I'm going to Las Vegas again to celebrate my Aunt's 80th birthday and I admit I'm having ideas of starving myself again.  But, thankfully, this time feels different, this time I'm aware of my thoughts and aware of just how ridiculous the notion is that my wonderful family care about my weight!  Ridiculous!  They care about me and are thrilled I'm coming to surprise June at her party.  The lesson to be learned:  my family are not looking forward to seeing my body, they are looking forward to seeing the soul my body houses. Oh and by the way, and the 16 year old body I starved and tortured weighed 127 pounds.  Yup, there is a really big lesson for me here.

Some of the things I have/am learned/learning:
-if our thoughts create our reality, then my reality will continue to be me worrying about my weight because that is ALL I think about.
-my food addiction will not go away because I give all of my thoughts and energy to it - I give my precious energy to what I DON'T want instead to what I DO want.
-I'm very, very slowly learning that when I do, and think about, things that give me joy, I experience more joy.  When I do, and think about, things that give me pain, I experience more pain.

What are you meant to learn?  

What keeps showing up in your life that still needs to teach you a lesson?  

What are you thinking about when you experience joy?  

What are you thinking about when you experience pain?

What are you meant to learn so you can be free of the pain?

Two more lessons I've learned: 

-we are better and stronger together

-every time we shine the light of questioning onto our dark thoughts 

they lose more and more of their power.

In our WW workshops we have an opportunity to question and examine our thoughts and, wow, what a gift it is to do this together! I experience such huge joy every time we have heartfelt, honest, open and freeing conversations.  I sometimes get so excited I want to jump up and down and sometimes I feel a members' pain and I want to cry...both are a lesson.  I've learned so much from every member seeking to heal within our community and for that I am truly grateful.....and there's the joy again! Lesson learned.

We're not always who we believe ourselves to be.

During one of my many therapy sessions with Paula she asked me to tell her who I was.  That was easy: I'm 57, I'm a Mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a WW coach, I work at a Theatre, I'm a singer, I'm a traveler, I'm a writer....and Paula just smiled and said, "Those are the roles you play but who are you?".  Well, that turned out to be not so easy, in fact I have been working on that answer for about 8 months.  

Ironically the answer came to me in Costa Rica, where, I might have mentioned a time or 200, I went sleeveless.  As I attempted the impossible, scrubbing cages while keeping my jiggly arm bits still, I thought of Paula's question and was saddened to think one answer is "I am a person who has always believed her self-worth is attached to how she looks."  To be clear, I've known for a long time that I have that opinion of myself, I just never thought it was who I am.  And when I think of it honestly, that belief has been a part of more decisions made in my life than any other driving force.  Whoa! I may have to go back to that later as that idea is not meant to be the focus of this post...but damn that is so sad!

This is where I want to go with this post: I want to rewrite my answers to the question, "Who are you?". 

I am not my jiggly arm bits, I am empathy and compassion feeling the pain of others as if it were my own.

I am not my wide nose, I am the intense desire to see more of the world and get outside my reality.

I am not the hair colour I once had naturally and now manufacture, I am the impatience and  frustration when people won't help themselves. 

I am not the cellulite on my body, I am the tender heart who cries as easily in joy as in sadness.

I am not the face that must be "made-up" before leaving the house, I am the belief that kind words and a sincere smile or hug can change someone's day. 

I am not the straight teeth I inherited from my Dad, I am the insecurity that allows people to treat me badly. 

I am not my chubby knees, I am the pain that was healed and set free through forgiveness.

I am not the woman who still uses makeup and clothes as an illusion, I am the procrastination who is writing this blog instead of doing boring work that pays.

I am not the fake nails I have been wearing since I was 26 in order to make my short fat hands look longer, I am the passion that drives me to help others see their unique beauty and potential.

I am not my sagging skin and stretch marks, I am the extreme joy I feel when a member of my tribe sees what is possible for them.

I am not the well turned out woman with nice hair, I am the need to be liked and validated.

I am not the wrinkles and turkey neck that have materialized, I am the supreme gratitude when surrounded by unconditional love from my tribe.

I am not my self-maligned body, I am the tenacious observer of ego manufactured thoughts on my journey to self-love and acceptance. 

So, now it's your turn. 

Who are you really? 

Who are you when you take the roles you inhabit

 out of the equation?  

Who are you when you take all forms of bodily descriptions

 out of the equation? 

Sleeveless in Costa Rica.

Funny thing happened.  I wrote the post below a week into my trip and for some reason was unable to post it and then I got home and was still unable to post it.  Why, I didn't know.  So I decided to let it be and the why would come to me and it did this morning.  

As I was getting ready for my trip I cleaned off my desk; I always have lots of thoughts written on envelopes laying all over.  As I was going through them seeing what to keep and what to throw away I came across an envelope with the following written on it:

What am I afraid of?

Afraid that I can't do it.

Afraid that I might be too physically uncomfortable.

Afraid that I might be way out of my comfort zone.

Afraid that I would find out the thoughts about myself are indeed true and that I'm not the adventurous person I claim to be.

Afraid I will be the worst volunteer ever.

This is what I wrote a while back when trying to decide whether or not to go volunteer in Costa Rica and as I triumphantly tore the envelope up into little pieces I thought of the many times in my life fear has kept me from doing something outside of my comfort zone.  And that comfort zone usually involved doing a job I had no idea whether or not I could do, so failure might be involved plus the fear of being judged physically by others.  I used to think that if I was totally covered up no one would notice that I was fat.

So when I packed for working in 30 degree heat and humidity I first only packed shirts that had 3/4  length sleeves and it was only a last minute logical thought that made me grab 4 tank tops which I could wear under cotton shirts.

Yesterday was my first day and in a rare moment of who cares, and OMG the humidity, I put on a tank top and went to join the other volunteers and to my surprise not one person commented on my arms. 😏🙄  well I think Dennis, a Capuchin monkey, totally judged me but apparently he judges everyone and at least he didn't throw his feces at me.

Some of you reading this might think how silly my fear is but others will totally understand. In our workshops we talk about the fear that can happen once you have some success or reach goal and people start to give you compliments and you, for perhaps the first time, feel validated. The fear that you cannot maintain your success and hang on to "the you who is successful" and go back to "the you who always fails" is often overwhelming and crippling.  

Fear destroys our joy and our ability to recognize that we are wonderful and fabulous just as we are, right now at this moment and every moment we are lucky enough to be alive.  Plus the real truth of the matter is that others are consumed by their own fears and insecurities and have little or no thought about us.

I believe every experience is given to us to teach us a lesson. So here's what I'm learning in Costa Rica:

- I can keep up with 20 year olds

- I have no desire to keep up with 20 year olds

- I was challenged physically and this body I talk smack about did not let me down

- when I go outside of my comfort zone life opens up all sorts of possibilities

- it's not the poisonous snakes that will kill you, it's the poisonous thoughts

- I can make it on my own, I will never again believe I am not capable

- unlike other trips where I did not want to return to my life, I am excited to return home and write my next chapter

- it was less fearful to run off of a mountain top than to wear a tank top

- I went sleeveless and ran off a mountain top and neither killed me

This morning I realized why I was afraid to post this blog: fear that once I put it out there that I was brave enough to face my flabby-arm-fear that I would have to be that brave and fearless person forever and that's a lot of pressure.  Baby steps for now.

So will I be sleeveless in Cobourg this summer?  I really don't know. That would mean being sleeveless in front of people I know and as soon as I think of that I can feel the fear rising.  But 2019 is a year of evolution for me so who knows, it could happen.  But if it doesn't that's okay too because for one brief shining moment I went sleeveless in Costa Rica!

"Now that she had nothing left to lose, she was free." Paulo Coelho

Costa Rica is giving me so much more than I expected and quite frankly wanted.  I expected to have my eyes opened not only to nature but to human nature and I certainly have had the opportunity to see the goodness in my species from the many people who give their time here on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.  I’m getting the same warm connected feeling that I get with my WW tribe where you can bond with people almost immediately through shared experiences.

What I didn’t expect was an emotional uprising within and it’s been a bit traumatic, especially since my therapist Paula is a million miles away! I truly believe we get what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it and I guess the universe has deemed it time for my next life lesson.

My plan for this vacation was to just get away and give myself over to the possibilities available to me and feel renewed.  And while that is certainly happening on the volunteer level and the pure glowing joy I am receiving from the animals is filling my bucket daily, something else is going on and I can’t seem to stop it.  It’s almost exactly 2 years to the day since my husband left me (for a woman he knew all of 3 weeks) and it seems that there are feelings that were left on the back burner and are now boiling over.  And of course they come to a boil in the middle of the night when my defences are down and my aching muscles are keeping me awake!

This is the thought that keeps getting stuck in the pit of my stomach: he has someone else and has moved on.  So I question: That has been true for 2 years, so why has it come back to haunt me again now?  Why is the pain starting to surface again?  What am I meant to learn from this?

The root of all questioning for me: What is my biggest fear? That’s easy, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  The person who told me I was the love of his life left me after 17 years with no explanation so it’s a very real fear. And to be clear, that statement is simply my truth of the situation and not meant to demonize my ex-husband.  I too have done things that have hurt others, it's part of the human experience.

And now that fear has a part 2: what if I am NEVER free of that feeling?  Now that's a scary thought! Here’s what I've learned: My fear is holding me hostage.  I now truly understand the Roosevelt quote "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."   I will  never be free to be happy and at peace if I continue to fear what has yet to happen and hang on to what might have been instead of surrendering to what is.

The new challenge in my personal evolution: accept that I now have nothing left to lose and allow myself to be free. Free from the fear of being alone, free from personal judgement, free from clinging to the past, free from the mental restraints that have kept me from walking into the absolutely glorious future that is mine.

But how do I do that? I must be aware of the restraints my thoughts are placing on me and consciously return my attention to what is possible for me.  This is what I know for sure: living in the past will hold me hostage but living, and more importantly believing, in possibility will set me free.

What thoughts are holding you hostage?  How could accepting and surrendering to what is set you free? How could living in possibility set you free?  What have you got to lose?