We're not always who we believe ourselves to be.

During one of my many therapy sessions with Paula she asked me to tell her who I was.  That was easy: I'm 57, I'm a Mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a WW coach, I work at a Theatre, I'm a singer, I'm a traveler, I'm a writer....and Paula just smiled and said, "Those are the roles you play but who are you?".  Well, that turned out to be not so easy, in fact I have been working on that answer for about 8 months.  

Ironically the answer came to me in Costa Rica, where, I might have mentioned a time or 200, I went sleeveless.  As I attempted the impossible, scrubbing cages while keeping my jiggly arm bits still, I thought of Paula's question and was saddened to think one answer is "I am a person who has always believed her self-worth is attached to how she looks."  To be clear, I've known for a long time that I have that opinion of myself, I just never thought it was who I am.  And when I think of it honestly, that belief has been a part of more decisions made in my life than any other driving force.  Whoa! I may have to go back to that later as that idea is not meant to be the focus of this post...but damn that is so sad!

This is where I want to go with this post: I want to rewrite my answers to the question, "Who are you?". 

I am not my jiggly arm bits, I am empathy and compassion feeling the pain of others as if it were my own.

I am not my wide nose, I am the intense desire to see more of the world and get outside my reality.

I am not the hair colour I once had naturally and now manufacture, I am the impatience and  frustration when people won't help themselves. 

I am not the cellulite on my body, I am the tender heart who cries as easily in joy as in sadness.

I am not the face that must be "made-up" before leaving the house, I am the belief that kind words and a sincere smile or hug can change someone's day. 

I am not the straight teeth I inherited from my Dad, I am the insecurity that allows people to treat me badly. 

I am not my chubby knees, I am the pain that was healed and set free through forgiveness.

I am not the woman who still uses makeup and clothes as an illusion, I am the procrastination who is writing this blog instead of doing boring work that pays.

I am not the fake nails I have been wearing since I was 26 in order to make my short fat hands look longer, I am the passion that drives me to help others see their unique beauty and potential.

I am not my sagging skin and stretch marks, I am the extreme joy I feel when a member of my tribe sees what is possible for them.

I am not the well turned out woman with nice hair, I am the need to be liked and validated.

I am not the wrinkles and turkey neck that have materialized, I am the supreme gratitude when surrounded by unconditional love from my tribe.

I am not my self-maligned body, I am the tenacious observer of ego manufactured thoughts on my journey to self-love and acceptance. 

So, now it's your turn. 

Who are you really? 

Who are you when you take the roles you inhabit

 out of the equation?  

Who are you when you take all forms of bodily descriptions

 out of the equation? 

Sleeveless in Costa Rica.

Funny thing happened.  I wrote the post below a week into my trip and for some reason was unable to post it and then I got home and was still unable to post it.  Why, I didn't know.  So I decided to let it be and the why would come to me and it did this morning.  

As I was getting ready for my trip I cleaned off my desk; I always have lots of thoughts written on envelopes laying all over.  As I was going through them seeing what to keep and what to throw away I came across an envelope with the following written on it:

What am I afraid of?

Afraid that I can't do it.

Afraid that I might be too physically uncomfortable.

Afraid that I might be way out of my comfort zone.

Afraid that I would find out the thoughts about myself are indeed true and that I'm not the adventurous person I claim to be.

Afraid I will be the worst volunteer ever.

This is what I wrote a while back when trying to decide whether or not to go volunteer in Costa Rica and as I triumphantly tore the envelope up into little pieces I thought of the many times in my life fear has kept me from doing something outside of my comfort zone.  And that comfort zone usually involved doing a job I had no idea whether or not I could do, so failure might be involved plus the fear of being judged physically by others.  I used to think that if I was totally covered up no one would notice that I was fat.

So when I packed for working in 30 degree heat and humidity I first only packed shirts that had 3/4  length sleeves and it was only a last minute logical thought that made me grab 4 tank tops which I could wear under cotton shirts.

Yesterday was my first day and in a rare moment of who cares, and OMG the humidity, I put on a tank top and went to join the other volunteers and to my surprise not one person commented on my arms. 😏🙄  well I think Dennis, a Capuchin monkey, totally judged me but apparently he judges everyone and at least he didn't throw his feces at me.

Some of you reading this might think how silly my fear is but others will totally understand. In our workshops we talk about the fear that can happen once you have some success or reach goal and people start to give you compliments and you, for perhaps the first time, feel validated. The fear that you cannot maintain your success and hang on to "the you who is successful" and go back to "the you who always fails" is often overwhelming and crippling.  

Fear destroys our joy and our ability to recognize that we are wonderful and fabulous just as we are, right now at this moment and every moment we are lucky enough to be alive.  Plus the real truth of the matter is that others are consumed by their own fears and insecurities and have little or no thought about us.

I believe every experience is given to us to teach us a lesson. So here's what I'm learning in Costa Rica:

- I can keep up with 20 year olds

- I have no desire to keep up with 20 year olds

- I was challenged physically and this body I talk smack about did not let me down

- when I go outside of my comfort zone life opens up all sorts of possibilities

- it's not the poisonous snakes that will kill you, it's the poisonous thoughts

- I can make it on my own, I will never again believe I am not capable

- unlike other trips where I did not want to return to my life, I am excited to return home and write my next chapter

- it was less fearful to run off of a mountain top than to wear a tank top

- I went sleeveless and ran off a mountain top and neither killed me

This morning I realized why I was afraid to post this blog: fear that once I put it out there that I was brave enough to face my flabby-arm-fear that I would have to be that brave and fearless person forever and that's a lot of pressure.  Baby steps for now.

So will I be sleeveless in Cobourg this summer?  I really don't know. That would mean being sleeveless in front of people I know and as soon as I think of that I can feel the fear rising.  But 2019 is a year of evolution for me so who knows, it could happen.  But if it doesn't that's okay too because for one brief shining moment I went sleeveless in Costa Rica!

"Now that she had nothing left to lose, she was free." Paulo Coelho

Costa Rica is giving me so much more than I expected and quite frankly wanted.  I expected to have my eyes opened not only to nature but to human nature and I certainly have had the opportunity to see the goodness in my species from the many people who give their time here on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.  I’m getting the same warm connected feeling that I get with my WW tribe where you can bond with people almost immediately through shared experiences.

What I didn’t expect was an emotional uprising within and it’s been a bit traumatic, especially since my therapist Paula is a million miles away! I truly believe we get what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it and I guess the universe has deemed it time for my next life lesson.

My plan for this vacation was to just get away and give myself over to the possibilities available to me and feel renewed.  And while that is certainly happening on the volunteer level and the pure glowing joy I am receiving from the animals is filling my bucket daily, something else is going on and I can’t seem to stop it.  It’s almost exactly 2 years to the day since my husband left me (for a woman he knew all of 3 weeks) and it seems that there are feelings that were left on the back burner and are now boiling over.  And of course they come to a boil in the middle of the night when my defences are down and my aching muscles are keeping me awake!

This is the thought that keeps getting stuck in the pit of my stomach: he has someone else and has moved on.  So I question: That has been true for 2 years, so why has it come back to haunt me again now?  Why is the pain starting to surface again?  What am I meant to learn from this?

The root of all questioning for me: What is my biggest fear? That’s easy, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  The person who told me I was the love of his life left me after 17 years with no explanation so it’s a very real fear. And to be clear, that statement is simply my truth of the situation and not meant to demonize my ex-husband.  I too have done things that have hurt others, it's part of the human experience.

And now that fear has a part 2: what if I am NEVER free of that feeling?  Now that's a scary thought! Here’s what I've learned: My fear is holding me hostage.  I now truly understand the Roosevelt quote "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."   I will  never be free to be happy and at peace if I continue to fear what has yet to happen and hang on to what might have been instead of surrendering to what is.

The new challenge in my personal evolution: accept that I now have nothing left to lose and allow myself to be free. Free from the fear of being alone, free from personal judgement, free from clinging to the past, free from the mental restraints that have kept me from walking into the absolutely glorious future that is mine.

But how do I do that? I must be aware of the restraints my thoughts are placing on me and consciously return my attention to what is possible for me.  This is what I know for sure: living in the past will hold me hostage but living, and more importantly believing, in possibility will set me free.

What thoughts are holding you hostage?  How could accepting and surrendering to what is set you free? How could living in possibility set you free?  What have you got to lose?