My closet is trying to tell me something.

This is not the topic I want to write about (again!!) but it's what keeps coming out of my fingers so I give up.  Good grief!

When the person with whom you have had the most difficult relationship in your life dies, is that the end of the relationship?  Of course the answer is no, the relationship lives on in our thoughts.  My Father fell and broke his hip on Tuesday June 11, was operated on Wednesday June 12 and died Saturday June 15 and I've been struggling ever since to figure out how I feel about it. I do know I feel so grateful that through coinciding life-altering events we banded together to care for Mom, and each other, and the possibility of what our relationship could be emerged.  Even in grief there are gifts.

In the past couple of months I've noticed the floor space in my walk-in closet getting smaller and smaller but frankly I find it fascinating so have decided to let it play itself out.  It wasn't a stretch to realize it has something to do with either my divorce, my Dad, my Mom or my weight but I couldn't pinpoint it.   Turns out it's related to all four, of course.

I see now I endeavoured to avoid the grief of my divorce by immediately focusing on the needs of my parents.  It was purposeful action (which I thrive one) and since I was at my divorce weight I thought I was good to go because no one ever gains that weight back!  I gained the weight back and more and had to buy a bigger size.  But here's the thing with a closet, it's like the mind, it only holds so much and mine is full of clothes than are now too small so all of the new clothes I've bought are hung on the ends of hangers, draped over the hangers, stuffed onto the shelves or simply left on the floor in bags.  My clothes basket quickly got buried and instead of washing all the clothes in it, I just picked out the clothes that needed washing.  To be fair to me, most of the clothes in the basket have been in there since last winter so I tell myself not to worry, winter is coming, they'll get washed.

My closet as an outward manifestation of my thoughts and this is what my thoughts are trying to tell me:
- I'm tired of being the grown-up so I've reverted to my messy "you can't make me" teenage self, but only in the closet, because, after all, I am a grown-up.
-looking after my Mom's and Dad's affairs is exhausting and I can't face adding one more thing to my to-do list.
-I'm angry that it took my divorce and Mom's Alzheimer's for my Dad to finally need me.
-you don't lose a marriage, a Mom and a Dad and not be forever changed and a big part of me is resisting that change.
-I'm afraid I'm not really capable of being the strong one.
-if you don't allow the grief have it's moment in your heart it will take up residence in your closet. Or your thighs, hips or belly.
-if I get rid of the clothes that no longer fit me, that means I accept myself as I am and I'm not sure if I'm willing/wanting/able to do that yet.

When life spirals out of control we cling to familiar behavior, even the behaviour we know is not in our best interest.  We choose to stay weighed down by anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial because the thought of opening up and acknowledging these feelings is overwhelming.  We're afraid if we open that door we may never get it shut again plus there may have been a time when anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial kept us safe.

Each journey is different and we all travel at our own pace.  Usually it's the pace that feels safe to us and we must honour that feeling with love and self-compassion.  Just keep moving and seeking and bit by bit, as you allow the light in, you will start to feel safe in your own capabilities and fear less.  It is possible.

"In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you."

This journey of mine has been many things since I started on it at the age of 10: my friend, my enemy, my keeper of secrets, but most of all it's been my teacher.  Certainly not my favourite teacher like Miss Axford but perhaps my most important teacher.  

In my WW workshops I often ask "What have you learned?"or "What do you think that was meant to teach you?". These past couple of years have been extremely challenging and at times have nearly broken me. In order to find meaning in it all I turned to self-reflection and growth. I have asked myself over and over again, "What am I meant to learn from this experience?"

And here's some of what I've learned:

I've learned no matter how many truly loving and caring people reach out and offer support, most of the time it's just me so I need to search within myself and find the connection to the power that is bigger than me.  I must say it's having a profound effect on my healing and growth.

I've learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  This particular lesson was, and continues to be, difficult as I'm a people pleaser and don't want people to not like me, even those who have hurt me.  In order to maintain my integrity I try to make a point of only standing up for myself and not tearing someone else down in order to do so.

I've learned forgiveness can set you free and give you back your power.  This was a huge game changer for me!  I've never been one to hold hate in my heart but have had occasions when very well meaning friends and family have encouraged me to do so.  I'll admit I tried it on for size for a brief time and felt the power of it but very quickly felt the flip-side.  Hate started to consume me and kept me reliving the very pain I was trying to stop.  Then one Wednesday night I was driving back to Cobourg and my mind was running away with itself as it so often did/does on those long drives and I suddenly had a vision of myself typing, "I forgive you.". Wow!!  Where did that come from???  Whenever I'm confronted with an idea that I'm not sure of I just let it settle and percolate.  I was told by friends that I'd being saying what was done to me was okay and that I'd regret it but the thought persisted and one day I thought, "It's time.".  I will tell you it was one of the single greatest factors that lead to my healing.  It's not about them, you forgive for yourself, not for them.

I have learned to trust my gut.  Anytime in my life when I have not trusted my gut I've regretted it.  And for me it's quite literally my gut.  If I'm following what is good for me my gut is at peace.  It seems that my gut is more evolved than my brain.

I've learned self care sometimes means putting yourself first.  This is hard for so many of us especially when others need and depend on us.  I've learned it's okay to remove yourself from a stressful situation and go home and watch Netflix.

I've learned it's not only okay to say " I'm sorry but no" but that sometimes it's essential for your well-being.  This one still does not come easily, the whole people pleaser thing comes into play here, but I've learned true friends will understand and to my knowledge no one has ever died because I said "no". 

I've learned that I'll never be free of my story of unworthiness until I love all that went into making it.  Since "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." I'm working daily on self discovery and acceptance.  But these past couple of weeks have been testing the strength of the hold those feelings have on me and man, oh man, they are not going away without a fight! I've found myself behaving like a teenager and engaging in self-sabotaging, and quite embarrassing, behaviour.  But it's particularly difficult to feel worthy when the pain is tied to someone who was supposed to love you.  Like so many of you this challenge continues because I've had it with me the longest and we cling to what is familiar even if it causes us pain.

I've learned....








Not one of us can change the experiences that shaped us but each one of us can change how we feel about those experiences.  Many of our experiences were engineered by someone else; they are not ours and they only define us if believe they do.  We may have been shaped by our experiences but we are not our experiences; we are all wonderful beings of love and possibility each with the power to write our own story. 
It's your time now.