New Jeans - addendum

Oh, the wee hours of the morning, a dangerous time to be thinking!  It's dangerous because that's when the voices of fear and doubt are free to spout their negativity, unchecked by the voices of love and reason. Perhaps it is because love and reason are not yet the strongest.

So yes, at 4 am my voices of fear and doubt were mocking me about the New Jeans line: "Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" That's cocky they said.  Do you have any idea how to "live and enjoy"? You just admitted in one sentence that you still suffer from Disordered Eating and in the next sentence, you've found the answer! So it's that simple is it?  One just stops their compulsive overeating, restricting their food and their weight/shape preoccupation because they have decided to live and enjoy life? No, of course they don't, you messed up!  And that's when my voice of reason finally chimes in and tells me to get up and go make the coffee, and watch Queen Charlotte on Netflix.

After a very large cup of coffee with cream and a healthy breakfast I still felt like I needed to go back and take out the "live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" line, because even though it may be true, it really is not that simple. And that's when reason speaks up again asking "Can one not sometimes be bothered by moments of uncertainty that lead to compulsively eating all of the crackers before her guests arrive, rush out and buy more, forgive herself and then decide to live and enjoy her party in the lovely linen palazzo pants that fit her?"  I think one can because this one did!

Does that mean Healthy Eating and Disordered Eating are not mutually exclusive? For me at this point in my journey/recovery they are entwined and perhaps they always will be. That may mean I restrict my eating at times to compensate for the times I overeat and while that may not be ideal, it's what I am capable of right now.  It is not easy and it is not simple, but the voice of love tells me I don't have to inflict more suffering upon myself by refusing to live my life in jeans that fit. Punishing yourself by refusing to wear clothes that not only fit you but that you like does not speed up the process, it just makes it more unbearable.

New Jeans

A big, large and super huge step for me in dealing with my food and self-love issues now, as my therapist suggests, was to order two new pairs of jeans: one 1 size larger and one 2 sizes larger, which is the pair that fit me now.  Thankfully, skinny jeans are not the only option anymore! 

I'm so very familiar with working to "become better" and even though it can be very painful, the familiarity is oddly comforting. Working to love and accept what is now is in many ways so much harder as so many old thoughts and feelings must be examined and questioned on a daily, even hourly, basis. It's exhausting, right? But I think the hardest thing for me is that on this journey there is very little external validation, as there is when we are losing weight. No one comes up to you and says, "Well done, you didn't bang your head against the wall for having two scoops of ice cream instead of just one! Or "Yay you for feeling the pain instead of feeding it! High five!". For me, truly moving forward on this journey is dependant upon internal validation and THAT is dependant upon silencing the other voices in my head so my voice can actually get a thought in edgewise which is also exhausting.

The problem is I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to do. If I'm not supposed to be dieting and/or restricting the kind of food I eat, what do I do? Just allow myself to eat whatever/whenever I want? And it's all very well and good to acknowledge and validate my feelings and talk about when and why I started to feel this way (which I've done for years) and to KNOW everyone, including me, is worthy of love (which I've known for years) but how do I live it? 

I'm always Googling something about food and recovery and found a term I've never seen before, Disordered Eating.  In a nutshell Disordered Eating is catagorized as the following:

• weight and shape preoccupation
• excessive exercising
• striving for perfection
• compulsive overeating
• restricting food
• fasting
• purging
• yo-yo dieting
• steroid use (the only one I have not tried) 
• laxative use   

So, I used to have an eating disorder and now I regularily practice only 4-5 on the disordered eating list, I guess that's progress, right?  Still not going sleeveless but I am making strides; I bought new jeans and I'm wearing them. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I'd be happy Mom Jeans are back in style, but if I am to work on healing while my jean size is not my ideal then wide-legged Mom Jeans it will be! 

Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!  Huh, honestly, that thought just came to me, it must have got in edgewise while I was not preoccupied with my usual thoughts of weight, calories and carbs.  Well, I'll be.