Comfortable in my own skin.

Moving into a new house is unsettling, even when it’s a really good move!  And we just came back from 5 days in New York, a trip we had planned before we even bought the house, where we attended the opera (apparently one does not “go” to the opera, one “attends”) at The Met and I finally saw “Wicked” at the Gershwin Theatre!   I love this house and love my life! So why am I 20 lbs over my goal? And, more importantly, why can’t I just be comfortable in the skin I’m in at any given moment?  After all, we all know that once we are happy staying thin is easy.  Or is it once we’re thin being happy is easy?

In prepping for the move, the one thing we two reasonably intelligent people totally forgot about was the need for drawers, dresser drawers to be exact, because in the previous house the drawers were built into the closet. So, we ordered dresser drawers and waited the 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. During that time my clothes were in suitcases, boxes and bags in the spare room. To prep for the arrival of dressers I went through my clothes, weeding out the ones that I never wear, or don’t really like anymore, to donate. What I didn’t do was remove the clothes that are too small.

Then last Friday I got the call, the dressers would be delivered Saturday!  Yay, we would finally be able to organize! But Sunday when I was putting everything away it started to sink in that maybe ¼ of my clothes actually fit me. I was filling up drawers and closet space with clothes that I can’t wear now and may never wear again. Feeling a melt down coming on (and yes, I know that’s a bit dramatic, but have you met me???) I decided to go to No Frills and get my weekly supply of fat free yogurt and cottage cheese.  As I was sorting through the yogurt because it’s so easy to pick up the wrong one, I heard this giggly little voice behind me say “I am having an awesome day!”  I turned and saw an adorable little 5 year old girl sitting in her Mom’s cart, and she was beaming up at me. I almost choked up but managed to say, “You are?  That’s great, and you just made my day!” And then I turned to a smiling Mom and said, “The store should hire her, lots of people need to hear about her awesome day.”.  I continued to the cereal aisle to try and see if there was a granola for Bob that wasn’t all sugar and fat.  In that aisle there was a Dad with 2 little ones in his cart and they were, of course, lobbying for their favourite sugar-laden cereals, but their Dad just calmly said, “I’m looking for a cereal you will like but is also good for you.”  And the little boy piped up and said, “That’s because you really love me!”. Next on my list was the laundry detergent aisle and there I saw a woman. I guessed she was about 45 years old and she was pushing a walker; both of her legs had been amputated from the knee down. Her friend was pushing the cart and they were discussing which detergent was best.

I left No Frills feeling ungrateful and frankly ashamed that, yet again, I went down my personal rabbit-hole of self-loathing because my clothes don’t fit. I know what my on-going life assignment is but I keep procrastinating and shove it to the back of my mind, much like I shove the clothes that don’t fit to the back of my closet.  And what have I learned?  I’ve learned that when I’m at my goal and my clothes fit, I can ignore the feelings of unworthiness, because the tag in my “at goal” jeans tells me that right now I’m good enough.  But that’s not our assignment, is it?  Our assignment is to be comfortable in the skin we are in at ANY given moment, and I can only learn that in the moments when my clothes don’t fit.

I’m back in therapy, which I love, but so far I have skirted the issues that lead me there again.  Am I ready to do the work this time? I don’t know.  It's messy and uncomfortable. I’m messy and uncomfortable right now but at least it’s familiar, right? But it’s also a cage.  So, I will try again because I have felt the freedom for short bits of time and I want more. “On the other side of fear lies freedom.”