As I continue to wind my way through this process called grief I find I'm unable to write about the topics that usually drive me to my laptop, topics like weight loss, motivation, addiction, fear, self esteem, shame, unworthiness, failure...you know the fun stuff that connects us all together! I'd been thinking that I have nothing to say at this moment that will connect us in the way those topics do but then this morning I realized was wrong, we have grief.
The term grief is always associated with the loss of a loved one because that is the highest and greatest of losses but what about all the other losses we endure? Are we grieving and not even aware of it?
What are you grieving? Could it be...
-the loss of what you thought your life was going to look like by now?
-the loss of the childhood you never had?
-the loss of the person you became when you lost 50, 60 or 70 pounds because you gained some or all of it back?
-the loss of the freedom to do what you want to do because you're looking after someone else?
-the loss of your purpose because you no longer have to look after that person?
-the loss of the ability to dream?
-the loss of the belief that dreams can come true?
-the loss of a body that no longer has the strength to do what it once did?
-the loss of a job you loved or hated?
-the loss of having somewhere to go every day?
-the loss of feeling in control of your life?
-the loss of the you that used to have hope?
-the loss of the idea that you would love finally yourself once you lost the weight?
I could go on and on because the truth is there's the potential to suffer a loss in all areas of our lives. As I read over my off-the-top-of-my-head list I noticed most of the list is made up of the loss of an idea instead of an actual loss, like a job or the loss/use of a body part. When I think of it much of what I grieve over on a daily basis is an idea: the idea of what I thought my life was going to look like.
While the things I listed may be lower on the grief scale they still deserve our attention because left unattended the effects of all grief can be accumulative and affect us in ways we don't realize. In our workshops we often spend time trying to identify the emotions that lead us to over-eat or self-sabotage but all too often we can't put the "why" we're feeling those emotions into words. Could it be because it's not brought on by an easily identifiable event (like a death) but because we're grieving an idea and not aware of it?
What has you so mired down that you often feel angry, numb, unfocused and unmotivated? Is it the loss of something tangible or a loved one? Or is it the loss of an idea? If it's an idea of who you thought you were going to be and you're not, or what you thought your life was going to look like and it doesn't, allow yourself to grieve the loss. Chances are you've had that idea a very long time so look at it with love and acknowledge the pain of letting a part of yourself go. Recognize hanging on to the idea no longer serves your highest self, then focus your huge capacity to love and your own bright light on what you do have so you can begin to heal and dream again.
2 comments:
Thank you for this. I know I am still grieving the loss of my Dad but this sense of "not feeling like myself" started about a year before I lost him. This piece is terribly relatable and helps to explain how I am feeling.
Thank you for sharing Mama Nev. I kept coming back to the difficult relationship I had with my Dad as the reason for all of my fears and insecurities but I so want to grow beyond that and take responsibility for my thoughts. When I finally understood that our parents can often only give to us what they were given from their parents I was able to let the blame go and when I did I was left with just me and the ideas I created and held on to as fact. And that was/is scary. I keep thinking of the Eminem lyrics, "I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, Get along with the voices inside of my head..." haha But we keep talking and writing it out, right? And bit by bit as we allow ourselves to crack a little more light is able to come in.
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