Not sure how many times I've written about this topic: nothing ever goes away until it's taught us what we need to know. But here I go again!

I started writing my blog, "If not now, when?", in 2014 because I had been coaching for Weight Watchers for a couple of years and had personal opinions that I wanted to share but not in a workshop simply because they were my opinions and not neccessarily WW's.  I just re-read my first blog from March 15, 2014 and my reason for writing today remains the same as it was on that day: I want to continue the conversation and maybe some of you do too.  If not, journaling is great therapy!

I was quite prolific the first couple of years but life happened and I stopped writing for a while.  It's interesting now to look back on a few of them and see how my approach to losing weight, aka "my life" has evolved. I've become less rigid with myself and more forgiving.  However, I have not advanced much in the self-acceptance department, I really just kinda fake that one.  Oh, I have moments but not true self-acceptance because the Google dictionary says self-acceptance is "the state of complete acceptance of oneself".  "Complete", that's the part I get hung up on. 

The reason I'm writing this one now is because I'm going to St. Lucia in 10 days and I have decided NOT to try and starve off the 20 pounds I've put on in the last year before I go! That means there will be no skipping meals and no excessive exercsing.  But this is where it gets real since I've also decided I AM going to wear a bathing suit every day that I'm there which means I have to buy a bathing suit. The buying might be relatively easy but the wearing will not. The truth is I don't want my partner Bob to see me in a bathing suit. Dumb I know, because of course he's seen me naked but not in the harsh light of day with sunlight bouncing off my lumps and bumps! I know people think don't worry, you'll be fine, just enjoy yourself but I was on holiday in Cuba, by myself, and I still had a hard time walking around in front of strangers at the beach or pool in a bathing suit! In 2 weeks I maybe did it 2 or 3 times.  Logically I know no one cares what I look like because they are obsessing about their own stuff. But it doesn't matter, this is an old, deeply rooted fear of mine that I've never overcome. Wonder if I could get Bob to wear extremely dark sunglasses?  Will be checking Amazon later. 

But seriously, if Bob read this, he would be so sad to know I feel this way. Why can't we love ourselves the way the people that matter to us do? My guess is at one time a person who did matter to us said, or did, something and the seed of feeling not good enough was planted.

Pema Chodron's quote "nothing ever goes away until it's taught us what we need to know" has been going through my head a lot lately.  I don't know how I will learn self-acceptance but I do know I'm tired of caring what others, even strangers, think of my body. And I'm so very tired of caring about what I think of my body, it's exhausting!

So, I may not be ready, but I am open to learning what I need to know in order to uproot that fear of mine and move towards complete self-acceptance. If not now, when, right?  Ummm, wonder if I can do it in 10 days??