“Your own expectations hurt you more than anything else.” Buddha

I’ve been in a real funk lately. Could it be I’m causing it because I’m expecting too much?

I’m going to whine for a moment….I don’t know about you, but I am SO over COVID-19!!  I’m over not being able to see, let alone hug, my Mom in person at the nursing home. I’m over not being able to hop on a plane and go see my sick 81 year old Aunt in Las Vegas. I’m over being afraid to watch the news. I’m over feeling that planning for the future is useless. And, I’m completely over Zoom and not being able to Coach my 3 workshops in a real building and really seeing my people! (so grateful we have them but still over them!).  I have a lot more “overs” but you get the picture and, yes, I know my reasons for being “over COVID-19” are very small compared to so many others and I’m grateful that my worries are small, but that’s how I’m feeling.  I’m over life not being the way I want it to be!  Whining moment over.

I also feel completely void of all motivation these days, even for the things I usually expect to enjoy.  I expect to want to write and I expect to derive joy from it, but not right now.  Why?  My expectations?  We all have expectations of how our lives are supposed to go based on past experience, especially in our day to day lives, but now some, or many, of our expectations are not being fulfilled.  I can still expect when I arrive home, my cat Stuart, will run down the hall to greet me. I can still expect when I get a massage later today I’m going to feel great. I can still expect when I return my hair to it’s natural colour I will feel like my old self again. But it seems I can no longer always expect my friends to lift my spirits because their spirits are often as low as mine. I can no longer expect to talk to my other-Mother and feel good about lifting her spirits because when you’re 86 and you’ve hardly left your house since March, the spirt is also low.  I can no longer expect my sure-fire pick-me-up of planning my next trip to actually pick me up. In short, I can no longer expect my usual external sources to make me feel good. 

Why do you think so many people are baking, cleaning and drinking more right now?  Because even during a pandemic comfort food, clean closets and alcohol have continued to fulfill our expectations of them.  Our pets continue to fulfill our expectations even when the people in our lives may not. We all have TV shows we watch when we desire to feel a certain way: I’ve watched The Good Wife twice through in the past 3 years because my expectation of feeling capable of moving forward is fulfilled by lead character “Alicia”.  Also, in the past 3 years, I’ve watched a lot of action-packed violent shows because they continue to fulfill my expectation of mindless entertainment that never reminds me of what I’ve lost.  My expectations have kept me attached to the outcome of what I could reasonably predict my life would be; remove my comfortable attachments and I feel untethered.  “The root of suffering is attachment.” Buddha   So what have I learned?  I’ve learned I need to accept what is, adjust my expectations and let go of the attachments I have to those expectations.  But what if I don’t want to let go of my attachments to everything that’s predictable and comfortable? Oh right, more suffering.  Sound familiar?

I hear over and over again my WW plan doesn’t work without the in-studio workshops, and believe me, I KNOW exactly what you mean by that but in reality, that’s not true. I know it’s not true because I also hear, over and over, again that WW members love the virtual workshops and are having great success.  The difference between those two statements?  Expectation.  Here’s a prime example of a Pre-COVID-19 expectation: you rejoin WW (like most of us have!) and you expect that same highly motivating first week weight loss of 3-5 pounds you lost the first time around; but that didn’t happen and you’re discouraged, immediately thinking, “Well, this doesn’t work!” Your expectation was not fulfilled. No matter that the first time you joined might have been anywhere from 5 to 25 years ago and any number of other variables were in play this time around, your expectations were not fulfilled. And you feel defeated because you are attached to the outcome.  We are all attached to outcomes.  “Expectations are resentment waiting to happen.” Anne Lamont

As always we have two choices.  We can refuse to adjust our expectations to those parts of our lives that are no longer being fulfilled in the way we’re used to, and cause ourselves more suffering. Or we can accept that many things in our lives have changed and adjust our expectations.  “Serenity comes when we trade expectations for acceptance.” Buddha   Since I’m tired of being in a funk over things I cannot control, I'm going to adjust my expectations.

Starting now, I’m going to remind myself not only am I the one causing the funk but I’m also the one causing any and all ripple effects from said funk.  Yup, when I expect a specific outcome from someone, or something, and it’s not fulfilled, it’s my reaction to it that outcome that creates how I feel.  “Don’t blame people for disappointing you. Blame yourself for expecting too much from them.” Buddha   This is a particularly difficult for me, especially in relationships.  I’m easily hurt and much of it comes from expecting more than a person is willing, and/or able, to give.  It doesn’t make them a bad person, it just means I’ve projected my desires and expectations, perhaps unfairly, onto them.  It makes me wonder how many times I’ve been the one to not fulfil someone’s expectations?  Probably a lot more than I realize.

What are your unfulfilled expectations?  Do you expect because you’re kind and respectful others should be the same? You return calls and texts asap so others should as well?  You bend over backwards to make others happy so they should do the same for you?  You remember birthdays and anniversaries so others should too?  Do you expect most things in life should be fair and equal?  Do you expect things should remain the same or go back to normal? 

Each one of the examples above contains the word “should”.  When we use the word “should” we are wishing something, or someone, was different, and we cause ourselves to suffer.  When we expect something, or someone, to be different, we cause ourselves to suffer.  I for one am going to question my expectations and lean into accepting reality, after all why would I choose to cause myself more suffering?  I’m still over COVID-19 but I accept it is not over and am so grateful for what is available to me right now.  So, see you on Zoom!