"Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Pema Chodron

I've never though of myself as someone who bolts. In fact, I've always said my super power is that I never give up.  I now realize that is not true, I have been bolting my whole life.  When I was a child and hurting, I bolted from the pain using food and making up new stories in my brain.  I bolted from myself by creating a different world than the one in which I lived. I bolted from my present by dreaming about the future.  And then when I got to that future I bolted to the story of my next future.  You know, the future with no pain?  Sound familiar?

In "Women, Food and God" Geneen Roth writes, "if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard.  We don't want to notice what is going on.  Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be."  Well, damn, ain't that the truth?  Think about it.  Every time we eat compulsively we are stepping out of our lives, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for hours, sometimes for years.

Just the other day I realized I was, no am, a bolter . (I just now realized as I wrote that last sentence that I only bolt on myself...I never bolt on other people, I don't give up on them, just me.  Sigh...that's a whole other blog topic.)  Back to my realization:  I know I'm a compulsive eater so after listening to Roth's book I decided to start listening to my body, noticing when I was truly hungry, when I just needed to eat a Butter Tart and notice the feelings that preceded the need for Tarts, notice how I felt after the devouring of said Tarts.  I was so proud of myself, "Yay me, this time I got it!".

And I did have it, until one morning as I was getting into the shower I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the inclination to bolt took over.  My listening to my body had not resulted in weigh loss, panic set in and it was time to bolt! To bolt back to what I knew best: control and deprivation.  This time it would be different I thought, this time I will not succumb to Butter Tarts when I get upset, this time I will get it right, this time I will be perfect.  And that's when Pema's quote ran through my head and I realized I am someone who bolts on herself.  The shower is a good place for the tears that can come with realization.

So I got out of the shower and went for my walk, which meant I would be running late and have to shower again but I had no choice.  I needed to generate thoughts that would over-ride my thoughts to bolt. No, what I needed was to stop thinking and just allow myself to feel.  And what I felt was fear,  (of course, right??) fear of letting go of control and deprivation for they had never let me down, never ever failed me.  But is that true, I asked, is that really true?  Is it true that control and deprivation have never failed me?  If it were true, then I would never ever have given in to Butter Tarts.  I would never ever have had the need to eat a can Betty Crocker icing, eat an entire pan of Almond Rocca, an entire box of Turtles.  Is it true that if I bolt back, yet again, to deprivation and control they will, AGAIN, fail me?  Yes, it is true.  I stopped walking, went home, had another shower and went to work.

Is this you?  Have you ever left yourself when life got too hard, bolted?  Have you ever medicated with food? Or any other substance?  I have seen and heard many WW members say the plan is not working and they want to quit which means they would rather bolt back to what is familiar, painful though it may be, than face that things are not what they'd like them to be.  Is it time to stay?  Stay with yourself and notice what is really going on?

I'd like to end this with an absolute declaration that my days of bolting and leaving myself are over but I can't.  For much of my 57 years I've felt the need to fix myself with control and deprivation, it's going to take time to finally realize I don't need fixing because I'm not, and never have been, broken. And by the way, neither are you. 

Butter Tarts are not my enemy.

Enemy: a thing that harms. Butter Tarts are not my enemy, it's my thought that Butter Tarts will make me feel better or solve my problems that is the enemy.  

I've just finished listening to Geneen Roth's book, "Women, Food and God" and it makes so much sense to me!  Betty Anne lent me a copy of the book and here's my recent email to her:

"I've been meaning to get your book back to you.  I have never read it.  I tried several times during "My Year of Living Dangerously Close to Cracking Up" but have a difficult time staying focused on self help books.  Perhaps because every second paragraph sends my mind off down a corridor of self reflection and I forget to come back!

However, after reading just a few pages I knew deep down it was about me.  A few months ago I decided to put all the time I spend in my car to good use.  So, I bought books on CD. Two weeks ago I came across your copy of "Women, Food and God" and thought duh....so immediately ordered it.  I just finished it last night on my drive back from Denbigh.  To put it mildly Geneen's words have brought about a flood of emotions.  First, sadness for the young girl who so could have used that insight 47 years ago, then anger because I wish I had read it a year ago and then acceptance because I was not in the frame of mind to take it in a year ago, and now excitement because I finally see a way to change my relationship with food and yet still, some trepidation because I'm afraid to try to change my relationship with food and finally, hopeful possibility." 

Here are some of Geneen's word that have really resonated with me.  Perhaps you will see yourself in them too.

"Most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened."

"We eat the way we eat because we are afraid to feel what we feel".

"No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.  We refuse to take in what sustains us.  We live lives of deprivation.  And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge."

"The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive.  Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning and transformation."

"If you try to lose weight by shaming, depriving and fearing yourself, you will end up shamed, deprived and afraid.  Kindness comes first. Always."

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist."

It is possible a Butter Tart is just a Butter Tart and has no healing properties.

Food is not the enemy, our thoughts about food are the enemy.

It is possible to change our thoughts.

Lasting joy comes from being grateful for that which we cannot change.

Being grateful for the wonderful things in our life is easy, but I've learned lasting joy comes from being grateful for that which we cannot change.  I've found that being selective in my gratitude comes at a price and that price is joy.  During tough times I would often sit and list all the great things in my life and was instantly buoyed up but since those things are only part of my life I'd often slipped back into unhappiness.  It wasn't until I decided to start being grateful for all, that's right, the good, the bad and the ugly, that I felt a shift in my joy.  

Now if I deem something in my life not worthy of my gratitude I will ask myself, "Do you, or can you, change and/or stop it?"  If the answer is no, for whatever reason, then it's reasonable there must be some redeeming quality about it, so I try and find my way to gratitude. 

It's tough when it's a life altering situation, especially one you would not have chosen. Like most people there are events that have happened in my life that I'm anything but grateful for, but it is those exact events that are stealing my joy, or rather I am allowing, to steal my joy.  Last night I arrived home to find a piece of mail that I've known was coming and kept telling myself that I would be okay with it when it did.  Well, I wasn't.  Feelings of sadness and failure came rushing up and I was very grateful I had no chips or ice cream in the house.  I decided to just let the feelings flow through me and trust that gratitude would come.  I had a fitful sleep last night and a heavy hearted morning.  And did not have time to walk this morning and wow, did my brain need it!

On my way to WW today I played a new CD I had bought last week by Wayne Dyer called, "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life" and one of the verses he quoted from Tao Te Ching was "Amidst the rush of worldly comings and goings, I observe how all endings become beginnings."  I hit repeat, and again, and again, and again....and there, on the 401, I was able to find a small path to gratitude.  Finding the gratitude doesn't have to mean that we're glad things happened, finding the gratitude helps us release the pain of what has happened and allow us to find joy.  The joy of what is possible in a new beginning.

Maybe we should think of it as taking our brain for a walk instead of our butt.

Like so many of you I started exercising so many moons ago to lose weight.  Honestly my reason for doing so many things in my life have been to lose weight. That's a sad thought and a whole other blog topic!

One thing I have noticed over the years is how much better I felt about myself after a walk or work-out.  However, getting my butt in gear and out the door is often a challenge.  I used to have a dog which got me out walking every day but since moving into a condo I have not had my 4-legged personal trainer for almost a year and have not walked regularly for almost a year.  Until a few weeks ago when it became a possibility.  If you were in any of my WW meetings you might have noticed how pumped with possibility I was after that walk!  All those thoughts coincided with my new endeavor to not hang on to my history at the expense of my future.  I really want to stop wasting so much precious time dwelling on the past. Right??

These days what's getting me out the door in not the thought of losing weight but the thought of not losing my mind.  As I continue to tread through my life's circumstances I find I have more than the occasional moment of sadness and loneliness which I realize is a part of the grieving process.  It's a part that really sucks! Fortunately I've found that walking alleviates the sucking.  Walking makes me want to state what is possible which now easily turns into an attitude of gratitude.  I return home with any negative thoughts of my history firmly behind me.

As Weight Watchers has changed to WW, Wellness that Works, so too have I changed.  Yes, I still want to lose/manage my weight but now more than ever I want to do so with a healthy and happy mind, free of my history.  For many of us our weight loss journey has become a journey of self-discovery: the ultimate mind game.  Fortunately at WW this game not does have to be played alone and for that I am profoundly grateful every single day......yes, I'm crying right now...haha...

"Where the head goes the body follows."  Ryan Holiday

So, if you're like me and need a reason other than weight loss to get your activity in, use your mental health as your reason, you'll be so glad you did, plus your butt is going to follow anyway!

Happy Thanksgiving!!