I've never though of myself as someone who bolts. In fact, I've always said my super power is that I never give up. I now realize that is not true, I have been bolting my whole life. When I was a child and hurting, I bolted from the pain using food and making up new stories in my brain. I bolted from myself by creating a different world than the one in which I lived. I bolted from my present by dreaming about the future. And then when I got to that future I bolted to the story of my next future. You know, the future with no pain? Sound familiar?
In "Women, Food and God" Geneen Roth writes, "if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard. We don't want to notice what is going on. Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be." Well, damn, ain't that the truth? Think about it. Every time we eat compulsively we are stepping out of our lives, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for hours, sometimes for years.
Just the other day I realized I was, no am, a bolter . (I just now realized as I wrote that last sentence that I only bolt on myself...I never bolt on other people, I don't give up on them, just me. Sigh...that's a whole other blog topic.) Back to my realization: I know I'm a compulsive eater so after listening to Roth's book I decided to start listening to my body, noticing when I was truly hungry, when I just needed to eat a Butter Tart and notice the feelings that preceded the need for Tarts, notice how I felt after the devouring of said Tarts. I was so proud of myself, "Yay me, this time I got it!".
And I did have it, until one morning as I was getting into the shower I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the inclination to bolt took over. My listening to my body had not resulted in weigh loss, panic set in and it was time to bolt! To bolt back to what I knew best: control and deprivation. This time it would be different I thought, this time I will not succumb to Butter Tarts when I get upset, this time I will get it right, this time I will be perfect. And that's when Pema's quote ran through my head and I realized I am someone who bolts on herself. The shower is a good place for the tears that can come with realization.
So I got out of the shower and went for my walk, which meant I would be running late and have to shower again but I had no choice. I needed to generate thoughts that would over-ride my thoughts to bolt. No, what I needed was to stop thinking and just allow myself to feel. And what I felt was fear, (of course, right??) fear of letting go of control and deprivation for they had never let me down, never ever failed me. But is that true, I asked, is that really true? Is it true that control and deprivation have never failed me? If it were true, then I would never ever have given in to Butter Tarts. I would never ever have had the need to eat a can Betty Crocker icing, eat an entire pan of Almond Rocca, an entire box of Turtles. Is it true that if I bolt back, yet again, to deprivation and control they will, AGAIN, fail me? Yes, it is true. I stopped walking, went home, had another shower and went to work.
Is this you? Have you ever left yourself when life got too hard, bolted? Have you ever medicated with food? Or any other substance? I have seen and heard many WW members say the plan is not working and they want to quit which means they would rather bolt back to what is familiar, painful though it may be, than face that things are not what they'd like them to be. Is it time to stay? Stay with yourself and notice what is really going on?
I'd like to end this with an absolute declaration that my days of bolting and leaving myself are over but I can't. For much of my 57 years I've felt the need to fix myself with control and deprivation, it's going to take time to finally realize I don't need fixing because I'm not, and never have been, broken. And by the way, neither are you.
And I did have it, until one morning as I was getting into the shower I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the inclination to bolt took over. My listening to my body had not resulted in weigh loss, panic set in and it was time to bolt! To bolt back to what I knew best: control and deprivation. This time it would be different I thought, this time I will not succumb to Butter Tarts when I get upset, this time I will get it right, this time I will be perfect. And that's when Pema's quote ran through my head and I realized I am someone who bolts on herself. The shower is a good place for the tears that can come with realization.
So I got out of the shower and went for my walk, which meant I would be running late and have to shower again but I had no choice. I needed to generate thoughts that would over-ride my thoughts to bolt. No, what I needed was to stop thinking and just allow myself to feel. And what I felt was fear, (of course, right??) fear of letting go of control and deprivation for they had never let me down, never ever failed me. But is that true, I asked, is that really true? Is it true that control and deprivation have never failed me? If it were true, then I would never ever have given in to Butter Tarts. I would never ever have had the need to eat a can Betty Crocker icing, eat an entire pan of Almond Rocca, an entire box of Turtles. Is it true that if I bolt back, yet again, to deprivation and control they will, AGAIN, fail me? Yes, it is true. I stopped walking, went home, had another shower and went to work.
Is this you? Have you ever left yourself when life got too hard, bolted? Have you ever medicated with food? Or any other substance? I have seen and heard many WW members say the plan is not working and they want to quit which means they would rather bolt back to what is familiar, painful though it may be, than face that things are not what they'd like them to be. Is it time to stay? Stay with yourself and notice what is really going on?
I'd like to end this with an absolute declaration that my days of bolting and leaving myself are over but I can't. For much of my 57 years I've felt the need to fix myself with control and deprivation, it's going to take time to finally realize I don't need fixing because I'm not, and never have been, broken. And by the way, neither are you.
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