And finally I cried...

My Dad has been gone for over 2 months now and until last night I had yet to cry more than a few tears.  And because I'm a fixer, I grew tired of "letting the grief happen".  I know grief hits everyone differently and in their own time but I wanted my time now!  Sad movies have made me cry but not about losing Dad and Mom.  I even watched "Fried Green Tomatoes" last weekend and nothing. I looked for "Beaches" but couldn't find it.  I used to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and think of Dad and cry sad/mad/glad tears a lot.

It's funny how the mind works, how it blocks our what may be too difficult for us to handle.  About 15 years ago my son Glenn and I watched "The Notebook" and I cried my eyes out and said to Glenn that if Mom ever got Alzheimer's Dad would be a "Noah".  Little did I know that prediction would come true, in Denbigh style of course, but never the less, he was a "Noah".  So it's odd that in all of my serious efforts to bring on the tears I only thought of "The Notebook" last night.  

I found it on Netflix and settled in for the cry.  As the opening frames of the movie start and I saw mature Allie standing in the window of the nursing home where she now lives and I started to cry immediately, and then sob uncontrollably and then turned the movie off.   I didn't cry because of thoughts of Dad being dead and Mom in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, I cried because the actress playing Allie is to me a dead ringer for the woman my husband left me for and I was shocked at the depth of my pain and the obvious grief that still lingers at losing my marriage.  I wanted tears and very specific I'm-sad-my-Dad-has-died tears!  Not a sneak attack of let's-dredge-up-the-past-one-more-time tears!  Not only that, I scared my cat Stuart who was napping on my lap!

I decided to face it head on and continue watching the movie, after all I'm on a mission and felt I needed to allow whatever emotions might surface to do so.  Since I've seen the movie at least 4 times I decided to skip through it and only watch the parts with elderly Noah and Allie and sure enough when the final scene came I cried and cried. But I didn't cry about losing my Dad and Mom, I cried about losing what I thought I had in my marriage but obviously didn't.  And there they were: the familiar feelings of unworthiness, ever present and ready to surface, leaped at the opportunity to take over. Even so I was surprised as I am in many ways healed from my divorce and my grief acceleration was meant for the loss of my parents. And, yes I can hear my therapist Paula chuckling to think that the words "grief" and "acceleration" could ever be used together.  But she knows me and that I would think it plausible.  I guess it's understandable my grief is over-lapping so I now accept and welcome it all for I know the only way through it, is to go through it. 

I've developed a practice of asking myself "What did I learn from that experience?" and I cannot tell you how many times the answer has been "Because I am not good enough."  In order to move forward I'm being challenged by my grief to examine my entire belief of self.  And not just acknowledge it, I've acknowledged for years that I live in constant fear of not being enough.  I now accept that until I change that belief I will continue to be hurt by the past and by the actions of others.  I will continue feel like a failure when I'm unable to control my eating, when I can't convince myself to get off the couch and go for a walk or when I'm unable to do the very simple things like food prep and tracking my food.

To that end I have decided to quit it all and focus on my physical health by means of focusing on my mental health.  Does that mean I'm quitting WW?  Not for a moment!  Wellness that Works is about more than losing weight and for this WW coach/member it means shifting my focus from what I eat to why and how I eat.  I will listen to my body and eat when it's hungry.  If I want food I believe not to be in it's best interest I will question why I feel the need, for example, to eat the last 3 pieces of cake at once, like I did yesterday?  When I stand at the counter to scarf down my salad I will question why is it that I can't take 5 minutes to sit down and enjoy it?  When I sit on the couch even when I know a nice walk along the beach would elevate my mood, I will ask myself why I don't believe I deserve to feel better?

And, once again I must write, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema Chodron  I guess grief is meant to continue being my teacher.  I have learned this lesson, tears are not the only physical measure of grief, sometimes it's hives. 🙄  I look like I could only afford to get fillers in my top lip and that is not a tumour growing out of my jaw, it's my earlobe.  And yes, I had a WW workshop that morning.  It worked out okay, kinda like a Show and Tell teachable moment wrapped into a comedy bit!

I'm so excited to finally start peeling back the layers and letting the light and love I freely and joyfully give to others help heal my own wounds. I figure if I can see the worthiness in everyone else perhaps I can see it in myself. Does that ring a bell with some of you??  Can you see the worthiness in others but not yourself?  Time to shine your heart-light on yourself!

For the first time in my life I trust in the new habits I've formed and that my letting go will not lead to endless binging. This is not to say there isn't some fear of gaining weight but this I know is absolutely true for me: if I don't get to where I believe I am enough as I am right now, then I will never lose weight anyway.  And, if not now, when?

What do you believe?  Do you believe you are enough?  Enough just as you are now? 

 If you do, Yay You! Please help others by being a shining light of love and compassion!  

If you don't then Yay You too, for you have an opportunity to change your belief! 

And, as always,

 if you believe "I am not enough" please, please allow your

 tribe members to help you change that life-crippling belief to 

"I am enough."