New Jeans

A big, large and super huge step for me in dealing with my food and self-love issues now, as my therapist suggests, was to order two new pairs of jeans: one 1 size larger and one 2 sizes larger, which is the pair that fit me now.  Thankfully, skinny jeans are not the only option anymore! 

I'm so very familiar with working to "become better" and even though it can be very painful, the familiarity is oddly comforting. Working to love and accept what is now is in many ways so much harder as so many old thoughts and feelings must be examined and questioned on a daily, even hourly, basis. It's exhausting, right? But I think the hardest thing for me is that on this journey there is very little external validation, as there is when we are losing weight. No one comes up to you and says, "Well done, you didn't bang your head against the wall for having two scoops of ice cream instead of just one! Or "Yay you for feeling the pain instead of feeding it! High five!". For me, truly moving forward on this journey is dependant upon internal validation and THAT is dependant upon silencing the other voices in my head so my voice can actually get a thought in edgewise which is also exhausting.

The problem is I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to do. If I'm not supposed to be dieting and/or restricting the kind of food I eat, what do I do? Just allow myself to eat whatever/whenever I want? And it's all very well and good to acknowledge and validate my feelings and talk about when and why I started to feel this way (which I've done for years) and to KNOW everyone, including me, is worthy of love (which I've known for years) but how do I live it? 

I'm always Googling something about food and recovery and found a term I've never seen before, Disordered Eating.  In a nutshell Disordered Eating is catagorized as the following:

• weight and shape preoccupation
• excessive exercising
• striving for perfection
• compulsive overeating
• restricting food
• fasting
• purging
• yo-yo dieting
• steroid use (the only one I have not tried) 
• laxative use   

So, I used to have an eating disorder and now I regularily practice only 4-5 on the disordered eating list, I guess that's progress, right?  Still not going sleeveless but I am making strides; I bought new jeans and I'm wearing them. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I'd be happy Mom Jeans are back in style, but if I am to work on healing while my jean size is not my ideal then wide-legged Mom Jeans it will be! 

Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!  Huh, honestly, that thought just came to me, it must have got in edgewise while I was not preoccupied with my usual thoughts of weight, calories and carbs.  Well, I'll be.