New Jeans - addendum

Oh, the wee hours of the morning, a dangerous time to be thinking!  It's dangerous because that's when the voices of fear and doubt are free to spout their negativity, unchecked by the voices of love and reason. Perhaps it is because love and reason are not yet the strongest.

So yes, at 4 am my voices of fear and doubt were mocking me about the New Jeans line: "Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" That's cocky they said.  Do you have any idea how to "live and enjoy"? You just admitted in one sentence that you still suffer from Disordered Eating and in the next sentence, you've found the answer! So it's that simple is it?  One just stops their compulsive overeating, restricting their food and their weight/shape preoccupation because they have decided to live and enjoy life? No, of course they don't, you messed up!  And that's when my voice of reason finally chimes in and tells me to get up and go make the coffee, and watch Queen Charlotte on Netflix.

After a very large cup of coffee with cream and a healthy breakfast I still felt like I needed to go back and take out the "live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" line, because even though it may be true, it really is not that simple. And that's when reason speaks up again asking "Can one not sometimes be bothered by moments of uncertainty that lead to compulsively eating all of the crackers before her guests arrive, rush out and buy more, forgive herself and then decide to live and enjoy her party in the lovely linen palazzo pants that fit her?"  I think one can because this one did!

Does that mean Healthy Eating and Disordered Eating are not mutually exclusive? For me at this point in my journey/recovery they are entwined and perhaps they always will be. That may mean I restrict my eating at times to compensate for the times I overeat and while that may not be ideal, it's what I am capable of right now.  It is not easy and it is not simple, but the voice of love tells me I don't have to inflict more suffering upon myself by refusing to live my life in jeans that fit. Punishing yourself by refusing to wear clothes that not only fit you but that you like does not speed up the process, it just makes it more unbearable.