"Whatever you hold in your mind on a consistent basis is exactly what you will experience in your life." ...so THAT really sucks!

This whole fear thing is really scaring me, and probably scarring me too, haha, I had to look up which one had 2 "r"s! I have 2 food functions and a long weekend between now and the "head office" weigh in that will take place before our annual staff meeting.  I understand, and absolutely agree with, the reasoning behind the weigh-in, we are all members first and it's important we never forget that: we need the accountability factor just like everyone else.

But understanding and agreeing comes from the logical part of my brain, which I'm learning is not always the first part of my brain I use in emotional situations!  I now know I was conditioned to react to all situations with fear first.  But knowing that has only helped me change my fear-first reaction in situations that don't have anything to do with my core feelings of not being good enough.  And my life-long battle with my weight started with my core identity of not being good enough ...so you see my quandary: I know what it is but am unable to fix it which  really pisses me off because I never give up and am a fixer!  Yet I am unable to fix this.  Ummm....but can we fix fear?  I feel fear because I feel I won't be good enough (translation: will be over goal weight). So does that mean if I get back to goal (notice I said "if" because I'm truly fearful that will not happen) then I will no longer be fearful, because if I'm at goal weight that means I'm good enough?  Wow, that's F'd up.

I'm feeling frustrated right now because my reason for writing this blog is to share feelings and difficulties and then discuss ways to overcome them and continue on with our goals.  But I fear, haha..this one make take a while!  But I do see from writing over the last 4 hours, yes, I've been writing, and not writing, (went for a walk, took a shower, did up the recycling and vacuumed) for 4 hours, that the fear fix is going to be a 2 step process because I can't get rid of the fear of weighing in and being over goal until I come to terms with the original cause of all my fears: feeling less than. Well damn, that's not going to be easy since I've based my entire life's feelings of self worth on being able to control my weight!

So this is where the title quote comes in...

I hold on to my original childhood fears of not being good enough so I keep reliving those fears. So, my logical brain bits kicks in and tells me to just let it all go because the present is all that matters but those 54 years of thoughts and feelings are so woven into the fabric of my being it won't happen overnight.  And it certainly won't happen by weigh-in time!  But it can happen.

My course of action?

I will start to disconnect my feelings of worth with

 the number on the scale,

and start seeing myself the way my dog James does!