Is grief stopping me in my tracks?

I haven't written a blog entry for a couple of weeks because I quite simply can't focus long enough. I'm beginning to wonder if it's grief.  I wrote briefly a couple of weeks ago about the sudden passing of ex-husband Carl, and the overwhelming pain I felt, and still feel, for my son Glenn.  I know I have been grieving for Glenn and others in his Dads life but have I also been grieving for myself?  Of course I have.  It's a different kind of grief when that person is not in your daily life. We grieve for that which is gone.

So for me this is just some of what is gone:

- knowing my son can watch, and bitch about, the Jays and the Leafs with his beloved Dad.

- the person who taught my son about all the "really good" music and movies of 50 years ago

- the person who sometimes drove my son nuts so he called me to complain about him

- the person who had very strong opinions on everything which showed up nicely in our sons  personality and helped him be the deep thinker he is today.

- knowing the other side of our sons safety net is gone, now it's just me.  

- the only other person who truly knew just exactly how magnificent and absolutely splendid the little boy born on January 26, 1988 really is.  I think this one is the hardest.

Re-reading what I just wrote has made me see that I'm still allowing only the Glenn part of my grief to be recognized. This one is the hardest for me to admit because it's tied to my biggest regret and failure as a wife and mother: I'm finally grieving the person I thought I was supposed to be, tried very hard to be but was not able to be.  I'm finally grieving the death of a young woman who so desperately wanted to be what she was expected of her but finally could not.  I guess it's appropriate that she dies with Carl. We grieve for that which is gone.

Lately, I've said too many times, "Enough with the people dying!".  In fact I said it about 5 hours ago when we learned about the death of another friend. Sometimes in life there is just a run on death among the people we know, that is just the way it is, and will continue to be.  I've given up on trying to find meaning in it and have just accepted it as life...and death....the circle of life.  The one thing every death has in common is that it reminds me just how fleeting and fragile life is and to stop wasting time. 

And this one was Carl's favourite...