It's time.

Time.  Buddha says, “The trouble is you think you have time”.

Lately life has brought about many reasons for me to think about time. I woke up with a start early this morning and had this thought, "It's time to stop. Stop what I asked. Time to stop trying to fix yourself.  You don't need fixing, nature does not make mistakes.  Everything in nature is as it should be. It's time to stop."  Even in my semi-sleep state I "talk" a lot.

I have been trying to fix myself since Grade 6... that's 45 years! I marvel, and/or lament, that one moment in math class, a moment that was catastrophic to only me, set me on a path that would last 45 years.  I think I've given enough time to this unnecessary and soul destroying quest. Every time I think of the time I've wasted I want to cry but that would just be wasting more precious time wouldn't it?

Okay, now that I've had this epiphany, how in hell do I stop thinking that I need fixing, that I am not enough as is?  How do I stop thoughts, damaging as I know them to be, that have become me, are me. The enlightened-Oprah-watchin' me knows my thoughts are not me but the ego. I understand it all when I'm listening to Eckhart Tolle but man just thinking about putting that into practice makes my brain hurt.  How do I stop paying attention to thoughts I've been living my life by for 45 years!  I guess one thought at a time.  Like everything else we want to change and master, one step, one thought, one day at a time.  As thought of needing to "fix" comes in, I will notice it and replace it with "nothing to fix, I am enough".

Whenever I write a post like this I can't help but wonder, "Is it only me?" But then I think of all the people I have conversations with about feeling less than and needing to be fixed and I know sadly there are many of us still attached to those moments in time when we started to believe we were not enough as is.  Is it time for you too to stop? I don't mean to upset you but have you thought about all of the time you have wasted trying to fix yourself?  I'll bet there are a few people who can beat 45 years.

I have to pause and think about that one but if I am truly not the voice in my head, then Hallelujah, what a relief because quite frankly she is becoming a pain in the ass!  

And NEVER shuts up! :)

This is a difficult one for me because I never give up but I guess it's not giving up if you were never meant to do it in the first place is it?  I was never meant to fix myself because I was never broken.  I see that now, but yup, that's gonna take a while.