No more crumbs!

As part of my endeavor to evolve into my best self, I have decided to not accept any more crumbs.

There is a person who was in my life and for the past 2 years has thrown me crumbs of attention and validation.  And like the absolutely insecure person I am/was?? I lapped them up and was so grateful.  My gut was telling me otherwise but I didn't listen.  And never once did I think "What?? Are you freakin' kidding me??"  I guess I felt that was all I deserved so was grateful to get any little bit.

Just before Christmas there were crumbs coming my way and I was happy and then they stopped coming.  My stomach was tied in knots and my negative thoughts took over.  On Dec. 21st I remember sitting waiting for my turn for an oil change and I thought I was going to be sick.  It was a very familiar sick feeling that this person had caused before and I couldn't believe I had fallen for it again.

That night I went to bed and was once again plagued with tortuous dreams and when I woke up I had one thought, "No more crumbs!"  I got up, turned on the coffee, found a large post-it and put that on my fridge to remind me that I am worth more than the measly crumbs being tossed my way from this person or anyone else!  Of course I realized my part in my suffering: I allowed and accepted the crumbs and told myself that was enough.  I guess I needed to learn that lesson in order to evolve.  Evolving comes through a series of lessons and some of them are painful.  

What about you?  Who tosses you crumbs of attention, affection, validation, praise, love, or acknowledgement that you lap up and are grateful for not even realizing you deserve so much more?  Crumbs that if they don't come your way cause you to suffer and feel crushed?  Crumbs that are sometimes given and taken away just as fast?  If this is you too, time to say NO MORE CRUMBS! 

Time to start loving, praising and acknowledging yourself and then if a crumb is tossed your way it has no power over you because you are already full.  You can choose to accept it or brush it off onto the floor.

"Settling for crumbs doesn't keep you fed, 

it keeps you starving."

Unknown

My "why" is "Haven't you suffered enough?"

Nothing is ever simple with me and my "why" is no exception.  I believe that may be the case for many of you too.

There is someone in my life who has caused me great pain and suffering, no actually there are two people and one of them is me.  While it is true he brought me to the brink of collapse, it is also true by not accepting my situation I continue my suffering every day.

I was listening to Oprah's Super Soul podcast with Eckhart Tolle last week and they were discussing how all pain and suffering is caused by our resistance to accepting reality. I knew immediately what I'm resisting but it wasn't until Oprah asked Eckhart why some of us resist acceptance and he said perhaps it is because we haven't suffered enough yet.  What??

I started crying right then and there driving down the 401.  By refusing to accept my present situation, no matter how I got here or why it happened, it is me and me alone who is creating my suffering over and over again, day after day....me and no one else! That was a lot to take in, plus I had to concentrate on seeing through my tears to get home, so I dismissed the thought.

That night I tossed and turned, as I usually do when I can't quite wrap my mind around something.  It's an annoying but usually necessary exercise my mind must perform in order to simplify the always hectic collision of emotions and thoughts that rule my being.  As usual I had dreams filled with past pain which I continue to bring into my present but this time when I woke up I had one sentence in my head, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  Yes, I do believe I have.

I would love to say that by merely realizing that I am the cause of my continued suffering that I suffer no more but that's not the case.  Resistance is a Ninja that moves in and through our thoughts placing up emotional road blocks and brick walls and we're not even aware it's happening.  Road blocks like going over and over a situation in our mind and wishing it was different.  And brick walls like believing if we had been better or different none of this would have happened.  But it's not different, and it did happen, and only by accepting that reality can our suffering be lifted. And because acceptance does not come naturally to us we must practice.  So now every time I have a painful thought I ask myself, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  

This is the long way around to my "why" but in my quest to evolve into my best self I have to learn to stop being the cause of my own suffering.  And I bring it about in so many ways! My best self will never emerge if I continue to resist accepting that my thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness and imperfection are not true!  Only then will my suffering truly end and that is "why" I must continue to question, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  Yes, I do believe I have.

So, haven't you suffered enough? Yes?? Then question yourself:  How do you bring about your own suffering?  Do you wish things were different than they are?  Do you resist accepting what you need to do in order to evolve into your best self?  Lose weight?  Maintain your weight?  Do you resist accepting that in order to lose weight you have to track your food, move your butt and shift your less-than-self-compassionate mind-set?  

What is your "why"?  If it's anything like mine it's multi-layered and painful to accept but acceptance can bring you peace and end your suffering.  Question your resistance and let your "why" lead the way.

Evolution not resolution!

 After a season of being merry and bright, many of us now feel bloated and blue!  I've talked with many WW members in the past week and we already feel our very sincere New Year's resolution to get right back on track waning.  But let's not forget when we likely made that resolution: either just before we were about to stretch the meaning of over-indulgence to the max "just one more time" OR the morning after when we felt sick with a nasty combination of shame, sugar and salt. 

I don't believe I have ever once stuck to a New Year's resolution so wisdom this year told me to not torture myself with the notion.  So I have decided this will be a year of evolution not resolution! Just as stating a possibility rather than a hard core goal has allowed me to gently work toward my objectives without the fear of failure I believe seeing my food journey as part of my evolution into my best self will also help release me from that same fear. 

For me "evolution: the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form" , sounds much more inviting than "resolution: a firm decision to do or not do something."  And the idea of embracing the complexities of my emotional and physical relationship with food while learning to understand them rather than resolving to banish them does not raise a hint of fear of failing in me.  In fact it's very freeing.

And when I think back to my time with WW evolving is exactly what I've been doing.  That's not to say evolution is without challenges.  But synonyms like development, advancement, growth, rise, progress and expansion encourage us to acknowledge and build on what we've already accomplished and that feels good and brings on the joy!  And if something bring us joy we want to do it more.  Right?

So what about you?  Ready to evolve into your best self?  I have witnessed the evolution of so many of you, sometimes even when you yourself are not aware you are!  Every time you make a decision that is in your own best interest you are taking another step in your evolution. Remember, all the seemingly small healthy choices you make add up, they really do!

Is 2019 the year you will choose to lovingly help yourself 
evolve into your best self?

I hope so because each and everyone of us deserves the joy being our best selves will bring!