Sleeveless in Costa Rica.

Funny thing happened.  I wrote the post below a week into my trip and for some reason was unable to post it and then I got home and was still unable to post it.  Why, I didn't know.  So I decided to let it be and the why would come to me and it did this morning.  

As I was getting ready for my trip I cleaned off my desk; I always have lots of thoughts written on envelopes laying all over.  As I was going through them seeing what to keep and what to throw away I came across an envelope with the following written on it:

What am I afraid of?

Afraid that I can't do it.

Afraid that I might be too physically uncomfortable.

Afraid that I might be way out of my comfort zone.

Afraid that I would find out the thoughts about myself are indeed true and that I'm not the adventurous person I claim to be.

Afraid I will be the worst volunteer ever.

This is what I wrote a while back when trying to decide whether or not to go volunteer in Costa Rica and as I triumphantly tore the envelope up into little pieces I thought of the many times in my life fear has kept me from doing something outside of my comfort zone.  And that comfort zone usually involved doing a job I had no idea whether or not I could do, so failure might be involved plus the fear of being judged physically by others.  I used to think that if I was totally covered up no one would notice that I was fat.

So when I packed for working in 30 degree heat and humidity I first only packed shirts that had 3/4  length sleeves and it was only a last minute logical thought that made me grab 4 tank tops which I could wear under cotton shirts.

Yesterday was my first day and in a rare moment of who cares, and OMG the humidity, I put on a tank top and went to join the other volunteers and to my surprise not one person commented on my arms. 😏🙄  well I think Dennis, a Capuchin monkey, totally judged me but apparently he judges everyone and at least he didn't throw his feces at me.

Some of you reading this might think how silly my fear is but others will totally understand. In our workshops we talk about the fear that can happen once you have some success or reach goal and people start to give you compliments and you, for perhaps the first time, feel validated. The fear that you cannot maintain your success and hang on to "the you who is successful" and go back to "the you who always fails" is often overwhelming and crippling.  

Fear destroys our joy and our ability to recognize that we are wonderful and fabulous just as we are, right now at this moment and every moment we are lucky enough to be alive.  Plus the real truth of the matter is that others are consumed by their own fears and insecurities and have little or no thought about us.

I believe every experience is given to us to teach us a lesson. So here's what I'm learning in Costa Rica:

- I can keep up with 20 year olds

- I have no desire to keep up with 20 year olds

- I was challenged physically and this body I talk smack about did not let me down

- when I go outside of my comfort zone life opens up all sorts of possibilities

- it's not the poisonous snakes that will kill you, it's the poisonous thoughts

- I can make it on my own, I will never again believe I am not capable

- unlike other trips where I did not want to return to my life, I am excited to return home and write my next chapter

- it was less fearful to run off of a mountain top than to wear a tank top

- I went sleeveless and ran off a mountain top and neither killed me

This morning I realized why I was afraid to post this blog: fear that once I put it out there that I was brave enough to face my flabby-arm-fear that I would have to be that brave and fearless person forever and that's a lot of pressure.  Baby steps for now.

So will I be sleeveless in Cobourg this summer?  I really don't know. That would mean being sleeveless in front of people I know and as soon as I think of that I can feel the fear rising.  But 2019 is a year of evolution for me so who knows, it could happen.  But if it doesn't that's okay too because for one brief shining moment I went sleeveless in Costa Rica!