"Now that she had nothing left to lose, she was free." Paulo Coelho

Costa Rica is giving me so much more than I expected and quite frankly wanted.  I expected to have my eyes opened not only to nature but to human nature and I certainly have had the opportunity to see the goodness in my species from the many people who give their time here on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.  I’m getting the same warm connected feeling that I get with my WW tribe where you can bond with people almost immediately through shared experiences.

What I didn’t expect was an emotional uprising within and it’s been a bit traumatic, especially since my therapist Paula is a million miles away! I truly believe we get what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it and I guess the universe has deemed it time for my next life lesson.

My plan for this vacation was to just get away and give myself over to the possibilities available to me and feel renewed.  And while that is certainly happening on the volunteer level and the pure glowing joy I am receiving from the animals is filling my bucket daily, something else is going on and I can’t seem to stop it.  It’s almost exactly 2 years to the day since my husband left me (for a woman he knew all of 3 weeks) and it seems that there are feelings that were left on the back burner and are now boiling over.  And of course they come to a boil in the middle of the night when my defences are down and my aching muscles are keeping me awake!

This is the thought that keeps getting stuck in the pit of my stomach: he has someone else and has moved on.  So I question: That has been true for 2 years, so why has it come back to haunt me again now?  Why is the pain starting to surface again?  What am I meant to learn from this?

The root of all questioning for me: What is my biggest fear? That’s easy, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  The person who told me I was the love of his life left me after 17 years with no explanation so it’s a very real fear. And to be clear, that statement is simply my truth of the situation and not meant to demonize my ex-husband.  I too have done things that have hurt others, it's part of the human experience.

And now that fear has a part 2: what if I am NEVER free of that feeling?  Now that's a scary thought! Here’s what I've learned: My fear is holding me hostage.  I now truly understand the Roosevelt quote "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."   I will  never be free to be happy and at peace if I continue to fear what has yet to happen and hang on to what might have been instead of surrendering to what is.

The new challenge in my personal evolution: accept that I now have nothing left to lose and allow myself to be free. Free from the fear of being alone, free from personal judgement, free from clinging to the past, free from the mental restraints that have kept me from walking into the absolutely glorious future that is mine.

But how do I do that? I must be aware of the restraints my thoughts are placing on me and consciously return my attention to what is possible for me.  This is what I know for sure: living in the past will hold me hostage but living, and more importantly believing, in possibility will set me free.

What thoughts are holding you hostage?  How could accepting and surrendering to what is set you free? How could living in possibility set you free?  What have you got to lose?