My closet is trying to tell me something.

This is not the topic I want to write about (again!!) but it's what keeps coming out of my fingers so I give up.  Good grief!

When the person with whom you have had the most difficult relationship in your life dies, is that the end of the relationship?  Of course the answer is no, the relationship lives on in our thoughts.  My Father fell and broke his hip on Tuesday June 11, was operated on Wednesday June 12 and died Saturday June 15 and I've been struggling ever since to figure out how I feel about it. I do know I feel so grateful that through coinciding life-altering events we banded together to care for Mom, and each other, and the possibility of what our relationship could be emerged.  Even in grief there are gifts.

In the past couple of months I've noticed the floor space in my walk-in closet getting smaller and smaller but frankly I find it fascinating so have decided to let it play itself out.  It wasn't a stretch to realize it has something to do with either my divorce, my Dad, my Mom or my weight but I couldn't pinpoint it.   Turns out it's related to all four, of course.

I see now I endeavoured to avoid the grief of my divorce by immediately focusing on the needs of my parents.  It was purposeful action (which I thrive one) and since I was at my divorce weight I thought I was good to go because no one ever gains that weight back!  I gained the weight back and more and had to buy a bigger size.  But here's the thing with a closet, it's like the mind, it only holds so much and mine is full of clothes than are now too small so all of the new clothes I've bought are hung on the ends of hangers, draped over the hangers, stuffed onto the shelves or simply left on the floor in bags.  My clothes basket quickly got buried and instead of washing all the clothes in it, I just picked out the clothes that needed washing.  To be fair to me, most of the clothes in the basket have been in there since last winter so I tell myself not to worry, winter is coming, they'll get washed.

My closet as an outward manifestation of my thoughts and this is what my thoughts are trying to tell me:
- I'm tired of being the grown-up so I've reverted to my messy "you can't make me" teenage self, but only in the closet, because, after all, I am a grown-up.
-looking after my Mom's and Dad's affairs is exhausting and I can't face adding one more thing to my to-do list.
-I'm angry that it took my divorce and Mom's Alzheimer's for my Dad to finally need me.
-you don't lose a marriage, a Mom and a Dad and not be forever changed and a big part of me is resisting that change.
-I'm afraid I'm not really capable of being the strong one.
-if you don't allow the grief have it's moment in your heart it will take up residence in your closet. Or your thighs, hips or belly.
-if I get rid of the clothes that no longer fit me, that means I accept myself as I am and I'm not sure if I'm willing/wanting/able to do that yet.

When life spirals out of control we cling to familiar behavior, even the behaviour we know is not in our best interest.  We choose to stay weighed down by anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial because the thought of opening up and acknowledging these feelings is overwhelming.  We're afraid if we open that door we may never get it shut again plus there may have been a time when anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial kept us safe.

Each journey is different and we all travel at our own pace.  Usually it's the pace that feels safe to us and we must honour that feeling with love and self-compassion.  Just keep moving and seeking and bit by bit, as you allow the light in, you will start to feel safe in your own capabilities and fear less.  It is possible.