If it wasn’t for COVID-19 I wouldn’t be sad, lonely,
depressed and over-eating. I’d be
sleeping well and not over-thinking everything.
I wouldn’t have to worry about things I can’t control because I’d be
able to control them. I wouldn’t be
afraid to try something new just in case it didn’t work out. Yup, none of that
is true.
Everything I feel, and every reaction I have to those
feelings, is the same as it was the days, weeks, months and years before
COVID-19. That revelation is an eyeopener for me. Since we are creatures of habit, does that perhaps
mean how I’m feeling right now was not created by the COVID-19 situation? And
because I’m not able to distract myself in the usual ways, has this allowed a
light to shine on the thoughts and emotions I have become very adept at keeping
in the dark? Were my past distractions
merely allowing me to avoid dealing with some lifelong issues? Me thinks yes.
Distraction for many of us is an important, and sometimes
life saving, coping mechanism we learned very early in life. And not that
there’s anything wrong with distraction but if it keeps us from dealing with
our issues or problems then all we’re doing is postponing their eventual
uprising: “what we resist, will persist.”
I’ve found in the past weeks as long as I’ve kept busy doing
something that validates me (like WW workshops, WW Voice Chat and writing) I
feel fine, but the moment I stop working the sadness and depression takes over.
And it’s not like I didn’t know this about myself before, I did, but before, I
could set my other forms of distraction into motion: travel, looking after my
parents, visiting my son or going out with friends. Each activity was enough to
sustain the sense of validation until it was time to do the next one.
Living life in a manner that, until now, was inconceivable
to us will understandably bring situational related feelings of fear,
loneliness and anxiety. But now that I’ve adjusted to the day to day COVID-19
life, I’m still “down”. I find myself
rehashing past events, things I thought I’d come to terms with, but obviously
hadn’t, are finding themselves unblocked by my go-to distractions so are taking
center stage. It’s not fun, but I guess it’s necessary. Time to let them speak.
I’m fond of asking my WW members, “What have you learned
about yourself on this journey?” because I think that’s how we can see where
we’ve changed and where we might still be stuck. I have definitely learned where I am still
stuck, and no surprise, it continues to be my sense of worthiness. This is so
embarrassing but I remember feeling shocked 2 months ago at my degree of vanity/insecurity;
while most people were stockpiling food, disinfectant and toilet paper, I was
stockpiling 5 years worth of hair, makeup and nail supplies!! Sadly, and pathetically really, the only part
of that last sentence that isn’t true is the 5 years part, I only have enough
for 1. So, what do I really think? That the only reason my friends and family
love me is because I’m well groomed? Would I connect less with my WW peeps if I
was not able to maintain full hair and makeup?
What I’m feeling as I sit in my car writing and watching
people go walking on the beach, most of the women with at least 2 months of
regrowth, is wonder. I wonder what they
have learned over their years of living that I have not. It’s not that they don’t care about their
appearance, obviously they do, but for some reason they’re not defined by it. I
wonder what that feels like. I’m
wondering if I’ll have the nerve to post this piece.
What have you learned about yourself these past few
months? Are you plagued by the same
fears and thoughts that ran through your head before COVID-19? Is the lack of your particular distractions
allowing old wounds and fears to rise up?
Here's what I’ve learned in the past 2 months of my journey:
once my needs for food and safety were met, and my many practiced distractions
were gone, the same old gremlins I’ve been alternately dealing with and supressing
my whole life have surfaced and have taken over the asylum. Maybe being forced
to let them come out into the light will be a good thing. Maybe I will never be
rid of them but perhaps I can finally learn to accept they are part of who I am
and it’s okay. Maybe once they feel
heard they won’t feel the need to be so loud.
That would be nice.
And, all the moment another feeling that keeps welling up is
gratitude. No matter how down I’m
feeling I can always find something to feel grateful about. For instance, right
now I’m so grateful I was a hairstylist a hundred years ago. Ah, vanity, she has certainly done me in at
times but right now I thank her because in difficult times she has forced me to
get out of my pyjamas and do full hair and makeup!
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