Ever have a day when all is right with your world and then with a few spoken words, you are reduced to feeling like a heap of disappointment? We are reduced to feeling like the child who never got it right. The child we once were and who still lives inside of our adult bodies. My Dad (who I know loves me dearly!) does that to me all of the time. Hence the this weeks' blog topic!
When I'm able to get back to thinking like a mature adult I'm able to forgive, and even feel sorry for, my Dad that he is so wrapped in his lifetime of insecurities that he's unable to enjoy a wonderful and meaningful relationship not only with me but other family members too. Oh, and forget about trying to change and reason with these people....we've all been there, done that and got nothin'! Right?
But understanding why he does it does not mean it doesn't hurt, each and every time. And I am tired of it! I'm tired of feeling bad, of how it affects my moment and my day, of how I have to fight the urge to eat, of feeling sorry for myself. I want it to stop, want him to stop but I know he won't, not because he doesn't love me because he truly believes he knows best. My Dad is the ultimate protector, and yes, I love him for it...mostly.
I know there is only one way it will stop. I have to stop waiting for the day that my father will say, "Good for you Joanne, I think you're doing the right thing!" It will never happen. Some days I'm pretty good at it, others not so much. It's a work in progress. :) I know he never heard those words as a child so that helps with the understanding.
And what about the friend or family member that through their controlling ways also sabotage and undermine our weight loss efforts? What is that all about??? Who knows but what it is not about is you, it's about them. You just happen to be at the end of that particular stick. Chances are that person is not going to stop so you must stop. Stop giving them power. Stop waiting for them to tell you they think you're doing the right thing! Change your attitude toward that person and how they choose to treat you. It is the only way for you to finally allow the hurt child inside you to move forward and assume their place as an adult in charge of their own life.
But how do you change your attitude? Start by changing your belief. Start by believing that you are, at the very least, worthy of being treated with kindness and respect. And believe you have the ability to make good decisions for yourself. Accept that while you cannot change another person you can decide you do not wish to participate in their destructive behavior anymore. You may be lucky enough to be able to have a conversation about it with that person but for most of us we must just go about changing how we react...silently and with consistency.
I love this line by Pema Chodron! And what we need to know about saboteurs and controllers is that everything they say and do to you is not about you! That realization will be a wonderful moment for you! It may feel and sound like it's about you but it's not! It's about them. It's about their fears and insecurities. It's about their misguided way of showing love. It's about how they were treated in their lives. It's about their unhappiness. It's about their jealousies. It's only about you if you believe them and participate.
And just in case you think I'm advocating never speaking to or dealing with a family member or friend again, I'm not! We love them. I'm just saying quietly and without confrontation, change your attitude, which will change your response to their words. Don't argue or challenge them, that's what they want! The moment you challenge, argue or try to prove yourself you're done, remember they thrive on it! If you silently refuse to participate they will soon wear themselves out, kinda like a crying two year old.
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