“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” - Pema Chödrön

I am really relating to Pema's quote these days!  
(Doesn't she have the best face?)

As I mentioned in couple of weeks ago, in my FEAR post, I have a "head office weigh-in" this Sunday at a staff meeting, and I have a wedding to attend on Saturday!  Up until two weeks ago I had been so fearful of that weigh-in that I was making myself sick.  Then thanks to My Success Story, I have bravely been working on my success story.  And my success story requires I learn from, and learn to manage, my fears.

It's not been easy and I have to remind myself that it is I who is giving myself this difficult time.  It is I who has placed judgement on what I perceive as my failure, not my bosses: they know all too well this is not an easy journey and help is there for my asking.

So, I've been eating well, tracking, and walking but most of all I've been both letting go, and leaning into, my fears.
Letting go: I have decided I will not weigh myself this week, only on Sunday at the staff meeting (it's only Monday, so we'll see how this one goes!).
Leaning into: trying to accept my weight will be what it will be while feeling only love/acceptance for myself and my efforts.
It's not be easy and I won't lie, I had thoughts of "I'll just won't eat this week" on my walk this morning but I've also had moments of feeling truly okay with myself and wow, that felt wonderful, liberating and very foreign! I'm imagining what it would feel like to live life in that state.

This is another one of Pema's quotes and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. 

I've been asking myself "What is it I need to learn from the "weigh-in" situation?"  The answer that pops into my head first is "Really??  With all the real problems I could have THIS is what I'm using my non-reproducing brain cells on?" 

I know how deeply rooted my self-worth is to my weight so what I'm really learning now is that my weight is just the manifestation of feelings of unworthiness. This just occurred to me: maybe even though weight issues are painful deep down I've decided they are way less painful that the truth.  Ummm, something else I just learned, interesting.

Well, this is just Monday and history tells me this week will be a wee bit of an emotional roller coaster, but that's okay, it's all part of my success story!  What will be your success story?

Update:  It's now Wednesday and my resolve to not weigh in before Sunday is waning to say the least!  I really feel I need to stay the course and deal with the "I must lose weight before Sunday" feelings that are overwhelming me.  Honestly, they are giving me a headache and that pisses me off because headaches make me want to eat!!!  But my "why" these days is to love and accept and I really feel I need to face the weigh-in and see how that feels.  Who knows, I may not even die!

The good news it's Wednesday and I get to see my all loving, all accepting peeps!  If you find this last statement a bit sappy, sorry, that's just the way it is this week!