"It's such a horrible disease..."

That's what people say when they ask about my Mom, who has Alzheimer's.  Almost two weeks ago at dinner time she was taken by ambulance to Renfrew hospital with pneumonia.  It really wasn't the pneumonia that landed her there, it was that she didn't know she had to stop eating if she started to cough, so she kept trying to eat and swallow while she was having a coughing fit.  It's such a horrible disease.

I've been visiting Mom daily these couple of weeks.  Once while visiting her I went to the cafeteria for a bad cup of coffee and ran into a woman I grew up with and she asked about Mom.  Her Dad had just recently died with Alzheimer's so she knew first hand what we're going through.  Unlike my Mom who has remained very sweet, her Dad became mean and at times violent with her Mom before he went into long term care. She said, "One time he just grabbed Mom and through her up against the wall, and Mom is smaller than you so she really went flying."  

My brain slowed right down as I remembered a thin Mrs. M. from 40 years ago and I'm ashamed to say I stopped listening to my friend and thought, "Did Mrs. M. gain weight so now she's much bigger?  Or am I almost as small as Mrs. M.???"  Luckily at that point some sense of decent sensibility kicked in and told me to shelve that thought and get back to acknowledging my childhood friends' pain.

Back walking the halls with my Mom, I allowed myself to take that thought off of the shelf to examine it.  I'd like to write that I showed self compassion and gently questioned why in the midst of sharing great pain with another person a part of me was thrilled with the thought that I was almost as small as Mrs. M. but my first thought was, "WTF is wrong with me???  What kind of shallow, ego minded lunatic misses the part about an old woman being thrown up against the wall, but clings desperately to the part about the poor woman being "smaller than you"??? Ahhhh..again...WTF???"  Fortunately, again, sensibility kicked in and I thought, "What would a Weight Watcher do with that thought?"  The answer: A WW member striving to become their best self would acknowledge the thought and lovingly shine the light of curiosity on it, so that's what I did. 

Watching my Mom mindlessly trot ahead of me, stopping every few minutes to ask me "Who's going to bring me my lunch?", I marveled at the human brain.  First there's my Mom who has lost most of what made her unique (like being both wonderfully well-read and adorably naive!) yet her endless preoccupation with the next meal remained.  And then there is my brain that in the midst of great stress still has the capacity to think about my weight.  Here's proof Hartman's never stop thinking about food!

It's such a horrible disease, and this time I'm talking about the disease of low self esteem and even lower body image.  It's insidious with far reaching thought-tentacles that can worm their way into any situation at any time.  At my beloved Nan's funeral a rather nasty cousin commented that I looked lovely in my black wool dress and fur hat.  A person with a healthy sense of self-worth would have given her a polite thank you and moved on to the people whose opinion mattered, but not me.  I still remember every moment of it like it was yesterday: I was 24, still very deep in my eating disorder and I was thrilled!  Thankfully that's now a sad and sympathetic memory and not a happy one.  

My next question is "What have I learned from this?"  I've learned not to critically judge any thoughts that come up even during times of stress. Perhaps they're able to surface during stressful times  because our mental sentries are running on empty so they're able to slip through and insert themselves inappropriately into current situations?  But what I've really learned is once again, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know."   Damn it!!  Why is learning self-love taking so long???  Perhaps I should be asking myself why do I keep putting it at the bottom of my to-do list?  Why don't I give my most sincere and loving attention to the part of me that's still in pain?

I do know that I don't want to get to the end of what will surely be a very long and fabulous life still wondering if I'm good enough, or even worse, trotting around a hospital ward endlessly searching for that which only I can give myself but sadly is no longer within my power.

Wow, doesn't that blow your mind???  

That's a whole other blog topic!!