Coincidence or Serendipity?

 

Late in 2025, after my life had settled down a bit, and Wayfair had Black Friday sales on, I spent a couple of weeks switching out the furniture and art I had inherited with my condo for the things I like. Most of the things were in very good shape so the Mission Store saw a lot of me. One of the furniture items I ordered was a new Queen mattress, not because the one I was using was in bad shape, it was just too firm for me. I knew the Mission Store would not take a used mattress, so on that particular Thursday I arranged a Got Junk pick-up for the following Tuesday.

The new mattress was a bed in box and so I figured I’d better open it up and make sure nothing was wrong with it before giving the mattress I had away.  It takes 48-72 hours to inflate fully, so Friday I tackled the two-person job myself with a “strong like bull, smart life tractor” attitude; my back was not happy, you'd think I'd learn!

On Sunday I decided to make the mattress switch, so I removed the sheets and mattress protector from my inherited mattress and hauled it up to lean against the wall in the hall. It was a pristine Serta and in excellent shape; I hated the thought of first having to pay for it to be removed and second that it might end up as landfill. So, I decided to put it on Facebook Market Place and give it away. Four hours later I had one response from what seemed to be from a young woman. Usually, I choose to meet people in a public place but of course that was not possible in this case, so I thought I would lay the mattress on a sheet and drag it down to the lobby.  Well, the young lady wanted to see the mattress first, which of course made perfect sense.  I had checked out her profile on Facebook but knew that could be false as well. My instinct told me it was okay, and I gave her my address.  She responded right away, saying that she was just at Costco, a 3-minute drive away. So, 3 minutes later my intercom buzzed. I could see it was a young couple and I let them in.

I opened the door, and she took one look at the mattress and was so happy!  She explained that the young man was her brother, and that their parents were coming from India stay with them for a month in their two-bedroom apartment.  They had been trying to find an inexpensive mattress for them to use but even the cheap ones were very expensive to have just for a month. I was thrilled that I was helping these lovely young people! And then she looked at me and said, “I know you!”. I looked at her and wondered where I might know her from, so asked where she worked.  She said, “I’m a nurse and…”  And I finished her sentence “…you work at Providence Manor!” She nodded and asked the name of the resident I visited, and I said, “Well, I used to visit my Mom Rebecca…” and she finished my sentence, “Your Mom was Rebecca Hartman! We all loved your Mom so much! I was one of the nurses there when you made the decision to put her on palliative care.”  Because it was the first time I had stayed overnight with Mom I got to meet several new-to-me staff members.  But because they all wore masks, I really didn’t get to see them, but I did see they knew Mom and loved her too. I asked what her name was, and she said Para. I was filled with gratitude that life had brought us together, giving me an opportunity to thank this dedicated nurse for looking after my mom by giving her a comfortable mattress for her mom and dad to sleep on.

Coincidence or serendipity? What are the odds that the one and only person who answered my post turned out to be someone who had not only lovingly cared for Mom, but cared for me as Mom’s life was coming to an end? Could have been coincidence: two things occur at the same time seemingly without connection. Could have been serendipity: when something brings an unexpected benefit. If I was a scientist, I’m sure I could find all sorts of arguments against serendipity, but thankfully, I am a serendipitist: one who finds valuable, or agreeable things, not sought for. To me serendipity is wonderful gift that reminds me that we are all connected.

When I moved to Kingston 3 years ago, I donated all of my furniture to a charity in Port Hope that was furnishing homes for Ukraine refugees. When I decided to buy the condo I’m in now, I unknowingly decided to buy it before I knew it came fully furnished. What are odds of finding a place I loved, and it just happened to be fully furnished with furniture that I badly needed as my son was getting married in two weeks and I would be having 3 family members staying with me?? And was it simply by chance that I accidently got to meet the seller Anna who lives in Toronto but happened to stop at the condo building to see a friend? When I found out who she was I went up to her and told her how grateful I was for the much needed furniture. We got talking; Anna has a son-in-law from Ukraine.

I relive the joys I experienced during my serendipitous encounters every time I think of them. If our thoughts indeed create our reality, then I for one will always choose to see serendipity at work in my life. Believing in fairy tales might be counterintuitive but a little pixie dust now and again just makes life a little more interesting.

 

 

 

 

 

Here I go again, or back at it, or If Not Now, When?

It's January 15, just about the time when we realize our goal to get back on track after the holidays is about 2 weeks overdue! I really miss WW, well what WW used to be. I miss coaching and connecting with people. I miss being with my people. I miss "using" you all as my incentive to get back on track...haha.

My last blog post was July 16, 2023. At that time I was all gung-ho to "live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" I went to therapy. I worked on self-acceptance. I had some breakthroughs. I gained weight. I bought new clothes. I worked harder on self-acceptance. I had more breakthroughs. I gained weight. I bought new clothes. Can you see a pattern here? I'm very happy with my progress in self-acceptance but so NOT happy with my weight! And yes, I realize that is a step backwards in the self-acceptance department. And that's okay, it's part of my journey.

I'm in Fort Myers for three months at Pelican Sound Golf and River Club. Yup, it is a chi-chi-poo-poo adult sports camp. This may be (absolutely is!) a generalization but rich women are really thin and all athletic-like. I have a feeling these are not my people; I'm not rich, thin or athletic. I have another feeling: it is all in my mind. Of course it's all in my mind! All of the ladies I've met are very nice and very welcoming and not all of them are thin and athletic, so feeling like I don't belong is on me; and is my work to do, not theirs.

Last October I joined Curves Kingston and once again found my people! I kid you not, going for my 35 minute circuit workout felt like going to a WW meeting, except everyone was exercising! And just like WW, everyone was working at their own pace in a safe, no judgement zone. I really miss it, especially since I don't play golf, pickleball, tennis or swim. And because of plantar fasciitis even my daily walks are out for now. Luckily there is a fitness centre with recumbent bikes and weight machines so I've committed to going 4 or 5 times a week and creating my own Curves workout. And happily, at the times I go so do my people: the not so fit and/or over 80 year old crowd!

Last week Mike, the fitness center director, who reminds me of Jack LaLanne, sent out an email with The 10lb Weight Loss Challenge. There is a $20 entry fee which goes into a pot, and private weekly weigh-ins with him. At the end of the challenge, roughly 8 weeks, those who have lost at least 10lbs will split the pot. I immediately thought, "Oh hell no!" I am not a competitive person; I never did any of the WW challenges. My fear of failure has always been so strong that I have avoided challenges my whole life. And so, for that very reason, I have decided to join the challenge. I need the accountability and I want to face my fear of failure. Plus my son Glenn is getting married in August and I'm so vain that I want to look good in the wedding pictures, so there's that! So off to the fitness centre I go to get my Curves-like workout in AND to have my initial weigh-in for the Weight Loss Challenge. Yes, the very thought of it is bringing on a stress induced hot flash but my vanity wins!

I

New Jeans - addendum

Oh, the wee hours of the morning, a dangerous time to be thinking!  It's dangerous because that's when the voices of fear and doubt are free to spout their negativity, unchecked by the voices of love and reason. Perhaps it is because love and reason are not yet the strongest.

So yes, at 4 am my voices of fear and doubt were mocking me about the New Jeans line: "Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" That's cocky they said.  Do you have any idea how to "live and enjoy"? You just admitted in one sentence that you still suffer from Disordered Eating and in the next sentence, you've found the answer! So it's that simple is it?  One just stops their compulsive overeating, restricting their food and their weight/shape preoccupation because they have decided to live and enjoy life? No, of course they don't, you messed up!  And that's when my voice of reason finally chimes in and tells me to get up and go make the coffee, and watch Queen Charlotte on Netflix.

After a very large cup of coffee with cream and a healthy breakfast I still felt like I needed to go back and take out the "live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!" line, because even though it may be true, it really is not that simple. And that's when reason speaks up again asking "Can one not sometimes be bothered by moments of uncertainty that lead to compulsively eating all of the crackers before her guests arrive, rush out and buy more, forgive herself and then decide to live and enjoy her party in the lovely linen palazzo pants that fit her?"  I think one can because this one did!

Does that mean Healthy Eating and Disordered Eating are not mutually exclusive? For me at this point in my journey/recovery they are entwined and perhaps they always will be. That may mean I restrict my eating at times to compensate for the times I overeat and while that may not be ideal, it's what I am capable of right now.  It is not easy and it is not simple, but the voice of love tells me I don't have to inflict more suffering upon myself by refusing to live my life in jeans that fit. Punishing yourself by refusing to wear clothes that not only fit you but that you like does not speed up the process, it just makes it more unbearable.

New Jeans

A big, large and super huge step for me in dealing with my food and self-love issues now, as my therapist suggests, was to order two new pairs of jeans: one 1 size larger and one 2 sizes larger, which is the pair that fit me now.  Thankfully, skinny jeans are not the only option anymore! 

I'm so very familiar with working to "become better" and even though it can be very painful, the familiarity is oddly comforting. Working to love and accept what is now is in many ways so much harder as so many old thoughts and feelings must be examined and questioned on a daily, even hourly, basis. It's exhausting, right? But I think the hardest thing for me is that on this journey there is very little external validation, as there is when we are losing weight. No one comes up to you and says, "Well done, you didn't bang your head against the wall for having two scoops of ice cream instead of just one! Or "Yay you for feeling the pain instead of feeding it! High five!". For me, truly moving forward on this journey is dependant upon internal validation and THAT is dependant upon silencing the other voices in my head so my voice can actually get a thought in edgewise which is also exhausting.

The problem is I don't really know what it is I'm supposed to do. If I'm not supposed to be dieting and/or restricting the kind of food I eat, what do I do? Just allow myself to eat whatever/whenever I want? And it's all very well and good to acknowledge and validate my feelings and talk about when and why I started to feel this way (which I've done for years) and to KNOW everyone, including me, is worthy of love (which I've known for years) but how do I live it? 

I'm always Googling something about food and recovery and found a term I've never seen before, Disordered Eating.  In a nutshell Disordered Eating is catagorized as the following:

• weight and shape preoccupation
• excessive exercising
• striving for perfection
• compulsive overeating
• restricting food
• fasting
• purging
• yo-yo dieting
• steroid use (the only one I have not tried) 
• laxative use   

So, I used to have an eating disorder and now I regularily practice only 4-5 on the disordered eating list, I guess that's progress, right?  Still not going sleeveless but I am making strides; I bought new jeans and I'm wearing them. Never in my wildest nightmares did I think I'd be happy Mom Jeans are back in style, but if I am to work on healing while my jean size is not my ideal then wide-legged Mom Jeans it will be! 

Oh, so this is what I have to do: live and enjoy my life in the jeans that fit!  Huh, honestly, that thought just came to me, it must have got in edgewise while I was not preoccupied with my usual thoughts of weight, calories and carbs.  Well, I'll be. 

                             

                                                                                                                               

Comfortable in my own skin.

Moving into a new house is unsettling, even when it’s a really good move!  And we just came back from 5 days in New York, a trip we had planned before we even bought the house, where we attended the opera (apparently one does not “go” to the opera, one “attends”) at The Met and I finally saw “Wicked” at the Gershwin Theatre!   I love this house and love my life! So why am I 20 lbs over my goal? And, more importantly, why can’t I just be comfortable in the skin I’m in at any given moment?  After all, we all know that once we are happy staying thin is easy.  Or is it once we’re thin being happy is easy?

In prepping for the move, the one thing we two reasonably intelligent people totally forgot about was the need for drawers, dresser drawers to be exact, because in the previous house the drawers were built into the closet. So, we ordered dresser drawers and waited the 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. During that time my clothes were in suitcases, boxes and bags in the spare room. To prep for the arrival of dressers I went through my clothes, weeding out the ones that I never wear, or don’t really like anymore, to donate. What I didn’t do was remove the clothes that are too small.

Then last Friday I got the call, the dressers would be delivered Saturday!  Yay, we would finally be able to organize! But Sunday when I was putting everything away it started to sink in that maybe ¼ of my clothes actually fit me. I was filling up drawers and closet space with clothes that I can’t wear now and may never wear again. Feeling a melt down coming on (and yes, I know that’s a bit dramatic, but have you met me???) I decided to go to No Frills and get my weekly supply of fat free yogurt and cottage cheese.  As I was sorting through the yogurt because it’s so easy to pick up the wrong one, I heard this giggly little voice behind me say “I am having an awesome day!”  I turned and saw an adorable little 5 year old girl sitting in her Mom’s cart, and she was beaming up at me. I almost choked up but managed to say, “You are?  That’s great, and you just made my day!” And then I turned to a smiling Mom and said, “The store should hire her, lots of people need to hear about her awesome day.”.  I continued to the cereal aisle to try and see if there was a granola for Bob that wasn’t all sugar and fat.  In that aisle there was a Dad with 2 little ones in his cart and they were, of course, lobbying for their favourite sugar-laden cereals, but their Dad just calmly said, “I’m looking for a cereal you will like but is also good for you.”  And the little boy piped up and said, “That’s because you really love me!”. Next on my list was the laundry detergent aisle and there I saw a woman. I guessed she was about 45 years old and she was pushing a walker; both of her legs had been amputated from the knee down. Her friend was pushing the cart and they were discussing which detergent was best.

I left No Frills feeling ungrateful and frankly ashamed that, yet again, I went down my personal rabbit-hole of self-loathing because my clothes don’t fit. I know what my on-going life assignment is but I keep procrastinating and shove it to the back of my mind, much like I shove the clothes that don’t fit to the back of my closet.  And what have I learned?  I’ve learned that when I’m at my goal and my clothes fit, I can ignore the feelings of unworthiness, because the tag in my “at goal” jeans tells me that right now I’m good enough.  But that’s not our assignment, is it?  Our assignment is to be comfortable in the skin we are in at ANY given moment, and I can only learn that in the moments when my clothes don’t fit.

I’m back in therapy, which I love, but so far I have skirted the issues that lead me there again.  Am I ready to do the work this time? I don’t know.  It's messy and uncomfortable. I’m messy and uncomfortable right now but at least it’s familiar, right? But it’s also a cage.  So, I will try again because I have felt the freedom for short bits of time and I want more. “On the other side of fear lies freedom.”

 

Who were you before the world got its hands on you?

I recently posted an Emily McDowell quote called "Finding Yourself". The last 2 lines are "Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.".  Enter the Lao Tzu quote, "When the student is ready the teacher will appear....

Honestly, I'm kinda of tired of working on myself, I just want to be done! To be clear, I am a big believer in self-discovery and therapy but over the years it has taken up so much of my time and a ridiculous amount of space in my head! But, said Carl Jung, "What you resist persists..." so a student I will be. Again.

"a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you,"  When was that, in the birth canal??  Of course we were "buried under cultural conditioning" and "other people's opinions" the moment we were born. And very soon "the inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are" helped shape us into who we turned out to be.  That's the real kicker because, for some of us, when the world got its hands on us, we were shaped into beings who believed we had to accept everything it dished out. Why?  Well, maybe it's because some of the inaccurate conclusions we drew as kids lead us to believe we needed to become something other than who we were, that who we were was not enough. I cannot read that last sentence out loud without tearing up. 

So who were we before the world got its hands on us?  How can we ever know? I believe I get a glimpse of who I was more often now and it usually starts with a gut feeling. I believe that gut feeling is who I was reminding me of who I still am. It is me every time I stick up for my choices by saying, "My way is not wrong, it's just different.". It is me refusing to be treated as if I don't matter. It is me asking for what I need and actually believing I deserve it. It is me that gently reminds me again, and again, that even though I can't control what others say or do to me, I can control how I react to it.  And yes, it often takes a good bit of self-talk.

I am so grateful to have remembered at least some of who I am, and as painful as it can be and has been, to process it all, in the end it has lead to a more peaceful existence and less suffering.   

Do you see glimpses of who you were before the world got its hands on you?  What are you now doing that seems like the true you?  What is your gut saying to you? Become a student!

"When the student is truly ready....the teacher will disappear." My gut has been my greatest teacher. so thankfully as long as I keep paying attention to her, she will never disappear. That shouldn't be a problem, she's pretty forceful with my insides and only backs off when I listen.

Some are angry, some are sad and some are anxious. What are you feeling?

During these final meetings many members have expressed in one way or another how they felt and let's just say that not one member said "I'm totally fine with it."  Understandably people are angry and sad, and that's what most shared with me but one member, who before the meeting said she was angry, after the meeting said that she has been anxious and nervous since the news.  The next layer down: fear.  She's anxious because she fears she's going to lose control without her "weekly accountability". Even after all of the success she has had "this time around", she is anxious and afraid that all she has learned and all of the healthy new habits she has developed will all go away.  I get it because I feel the same way. I get it because first and foremost, I am a Weight Watcher. 

I don't know about you but when I feel anxious or nervous it usually stems from fear.  I was brought up by fear-driven parents and I must say I excel in the fear department. Why are we afraid it will all go away? What do the people who are able to take the weight off and keep it off have that we don't?  That's the question I have asked at goal members over and over again during the past 10 years.  In Belleville during the non-meeting store hours there was often time to chat with an at-goal member coming in for their monthly weigh in and when I first started coaching I would ask them "How have you kept the weight of for 2, 5, 10 , 30 yrs???"  And it hit me one day what these members have: acceptance.

1. They kept tracking because they had accepted that tracking was a key component that got them to goal and so tracking would keep them at goal.

2.  They continued to weigh themselves regularily, even during the holidays and other stressful/busy times, because they accepted how easy it is to gain 1, 2 or 10 pounds. Weighing themselves helped keep them mindful and make changes after 1 or 2 pounds gained.  Much easier to lose 2 pounds than 10!

3. They accepted their relationship with food.  Most of us have an emotional relationship with food, one that was probably given to us when we were children by the adults in our life.  No blame here, the adults in our lives were likely given theirs too.  I have accepted that even though my full-blown eating disorder is in the past, the emotions that started it all at 10 years old are still part of me. I've accepted that some things about me I can change and others I've just learned to manage.  I do a lot of managing.

4. They accepted that they alone are responsible for their health. The accountability of the weigh-in and the meetings helped them learn new the habits, but they put those habits into action the moment they left the meeting.       

5. They accepted the changes they had made must become part of their lifestyle, AND they did it, and continue to do it willingly and with gratitude.  Why?  Because they never forgot how they felt before losing the weight and getting healthier, and they are grateful every day for how they feel now.

6. And finally, they accepted they had to believe not only in their ability to change but truly believe they are worth the effort.

So going forward I hope you accept what it is you need to do to become your healthiest self and, most importantly, I hope you believe you are worth it.

If you would like to join my Facebook group, If not now, when? as a way to stay connected to others here's the page link and just request to join.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/594855227714542

It's like I'm losing a friend....

While my blog is not always about weight and body image issues....wait, I'd have to go back and look to see if there is one that is not at least connected to weight and body image issues, many of them are because my weight and body image issues go back to some of my very first memories, certainly some of my most vivid ones. 

At 51, the menopause pounds had got the better of me and I joined Weight Watchers. From the moment I went to my first meeting I knew I wanted to be a leader/coach.  I had found my people and I wanted to work with them while they worked on their own weight and body image issues. And then I decided I had more to say (don't I always???) so I started this blog to "keep the conversation going".  And bit by bit, meeting by meeting, blog by blog, I started to heal. Every meeting I take away something that affected me and helped a peice of me heal. Sometimes it was what someone shared, sometimes it happened before the meeting during a one on one chat, sometimes it was just seeing one of you walk through the door after you had been away, sometimes it was just the energy of the collective. Oh, I will miss the energy!

It's like I'm losing a friend because the Weight Watcher staff and groups have helped me so much. They helped me rebuild my life when I moved to Cobourg, and when I moved to Kingston to be with my partner, I knew once again Weight Watchers was going to help me find a whole group of new friends, ones I just hadn't met yet!  From the first meetings I felt at home, because we are all the same. So yes, our Weight Watcher collective is my friend and I will miss it terribly. Yes, we are still friends but our collective challenge of weight and body image issues brought us together every week and reminded us that we are understood, we are seen, we are heard and most importantly, we matter and we are not alone. And I think we will all miss those reminders. 

Not sure how many times I've written about this topic: nothing ever goes away until it's taught us what we need to know. But here I go again!

I started writing my blog, "If not now, when?", in 2014 because I had been coaching for Weight Watchers for a couple of years and had personal opinions that I wanted to share but not in a workshop simply because they were my opinions and not neccessarily WW's.  I just re-read my first blog from March 15, 2014 and my reason for writing today remains the same as it was on that day: I want to continue the conversation and maybe some of you do too.  If not, journaling is great therapy!

I was quite prolific the first couple of years but life happened and I stopped writing for a while.  It's interesting now to look back on a few of them and see how my approach to losing weight, aka "my life" has evolved. I've become less rigid with myself and more forgiving.  However, I have not advanced much in the self-acceptance department, I really just kinda fake that one.  Oh, I have moments but not true self-acceptance because the Google dictionary says self-acceptance is "the state of complete acceptance of oneself".  "Complete", that's the part I get hung up on. 

The reason I'm writing this one now is because I'm going to St. Lucia in 10 days and I have decided NOT to try and starve off the 20 pounds I've put on in the last year before I go! That means there will be no skipping meals and no excessive exercsing.  But this is where it gets real since I've also decided I AM going to wear a bathing suit every day that I'm there which means I have to buy a bathing suit. The buying might be relatively easy but the wearing will not. The truth is I don't want my partner Bob to see me in a bathing suit. Dumb I know, because of course he's seen me naked but not in the harsh light of day with sunlight bouncing off my lumps and bumps! I know people think don't worry, you'll be fine, just enjoy yourself but I was on holiday in Cuba, by myself, and I still had a hard time walking around in front of strangers at the beach or pool in a bathing suit! In 2 weeks I maybe did it 2 or 3 times.  Logically I know no one cares what I look like because they are obsessing about their own stuff. But it doesn't matter, this is an old, deeply rooted fear of mine that I've never overcome. Wonder if I could get Bob to wear extremely dark sunglasses?  Will be checking Amazon later. 

But seriously, if Bob read this, he would be so sad to know I feel this way. Why can't we love ourselves the way the people that matter to us do? My guess is at one time a person who did matter to us said, or did, something and the seed of feeling not good enough was planted.

Pema Chodron's quote "nothing ever goes away until it's taught us what we need to know" has been going through my head a lot lately.  I don't know how I will learn self-acceptance but I do know I'm tired of caring what others, even strangers, think of my body. And I'm so very tired of caring about what I think of my body, it's exhausting!

So, I may not be ready, but I am open to learning what I need to know in order to uproot that fear of mine and move towards complete self-acceptance. If not now, when, right?  Ummm, wonder if I can do it in 10 days??

Feel like quitting?

 Do you ever feel like you want to quit WW?  Haha…silly question right??  I think most of us have wanted to quit (or have quit) at one time or another. When we feel like we’re struggling and “nothing is happening”, we want to quit.  When we’re sick of always thinking about food and activity, we want to quit. When going to a workshop is painful because the number on the scale is not the one we want to see, we want to quit. If you feel like quitting, ask yourself this question: how would my life be better if I quit?  (Would it be better if you quit giving your body nutritious food? Would it be better if you quit walking, swimming, yoga or going to the gym?  Would it be better if you quit meeting up with like-minded people who understand exactly what you’re going through?) Only you can answer that question. 

We all get tired of “being on a diet” but do we get tired of reaping the benefits of living a healthy lifestyle? No, we don’t, so once again this is a mindset adjustment. Perhaps we should take a rest and quit thinking we're on a diet.

Lost our anchor.

Covid has taken many things for us all but for me, one of the greatest losses I'm feeling is my motivation and inspiration to write.  In 2015 my motivation to start blogging was my WW peeps and my inspirations came to me through coaching the workshops or having private conversations with members.  I always marvelled at the fact that in the space of a few days I would hear the same challenges from different members and the more I thought about what one member had said, the more other members said the same thing; law of attraction at work!  I would scribble lines on bits of paper and finally a clear (or at least to clear to me...haha) message came through; and now, I scribble, I sit and stare at my laptop and nothing. 

And then a few days ago a member sent me a message, "You got me thinking in the middle of the night about my WW journey and I compared it to rowing a boat out into a body of water.  I started rowing 4 1/2 years ago and when Covid hit my boat fell apart. I feel I have been treading water since with no land in sight."  That hit me like a tons of bricks; some days we all feel like we're treading water with no land in sight.  And for many us, our workshop was our boat.  And not only was the workshop our boat, what we heard and learned in those workshops anchored us, so not only do we feel like we're treading water but we also feel like we're drifting farther and farther from shore.

So what do we do?  As this member wrote: "Do I continue to tread water and save myself or do I give up and disappear?"  Such powerful words, they gave me goosebumps!  I've heard the same from other members who feel at times like they don't have the strength to continue but then something inside them reminds them why they started or that if they quit they will end right back up where they started or worse.  So they keep treading water.  And in WW what can treading water mean?  It can mean you track breakfast, go for a walk, call a friend, prep and freeze food, make a plan friendly recipe, attend a virtual workshop, go on Connect, make a gratitude list, drink your water, take a nap, take a shower, measure yourself if you're afraid to step on the scale, journal your feelings, meditate, wear something other than yoga pants, engage on our FB page, pause the TV while you eat, write inspirational messages to yourself, reach out and help someone, reach out ask for help.  All of these things will help anchor you.

And what of the member who wrote to me?  That member decided (at 2 am!) she had come too far to give up so she set her intention to reconnect with her "why" of getting healthier and set about to put her actions in alignment with that goal. So, if you feel you're just treading water right now, remember, treading water is what keeps you from disappearing.

Why do we get stuck? How can we be going along just fine and hit a bump or two and then find ourselves stuck?

I saw this quote when I was prepping for our Roundtable, “To get unstuck, first stop doing the things that got you stuck.” This is so simple, it made me laugh. If your head hurts when you bang it up against the wall, stop banging it up against the wall! So, if thinking negative things about ourselves hurts and keeps us stuck, why do we keep doing it? Habit.

“Before something you want can become a fact, it must first be imagined.” I heard this in one of the many podcasts I listen to, I think it was Michael Bernard Beckworth.

I find this concept very interesting and if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve had it happen in my own life I might slough it off. When I was younger I made things I imagined happen all the time. I was the biggest daydreamer. I would sit on the hill across from our family store and dream! Mostly, I dreamed about leaving Denbigh haha, but also about being a singer and travelling the world and yes, buying into the sappy Harlequin Romance books. Romance novels should come with a warning label! I would imagine it all in great detail, often right down to what I was wearing or the conversations I would have with the people I would meet…like Johnny Carson. At night I would daydream myself to sleep, a habit I kept up until just a couple of years ago. I would imagine ways to live/work in other countries. I imagined how I would feel! And even through crippling self doubt I made a lot of things happen. Travel for example, when I post a destination on my vision board, I never for a single second think it might not happen. Why? Because I have the proof of many of the many trips that did happen, so I believe. But first, I imagined it. And not just thought of it, I LIVED it in my imagination. I lived it so much, and so often, that my subconscious took it to be fact.

But the parts of my life where I’m stuck?? I now see that I wish for something different BUT I don’t imagine it. I don’t imagine success in these areas and what that would feel like. I don’t envision myself being THAT person with THAT life! Instead, I think about how bad I feel or how unsuccessful I feel and accept it all as truth. Why? Because that is my habit, to believe that certain goals will not happen; I imagined it, LIVED it, so often, that my subconscious took it to be fact. I now know that without exception that every time I’m stuck with a part of my life my thoughts about it stem from a place of lack and disbelief. Even when I’m watching TV I notice how I feel when I watch a scene that depicts something I want for my life. If the show takes place in Europe I get pumped up and as soon as the show is over I go online and search out houses to rent, or buy, yes BUY! (It could happen! haha) Or a place to go and volunteer: NEVER does it cross my mind that it would be impossible for me to volunteer helping women in Tanzania or teach English to kids in Italy. NEVER!! And, other times watching TV, I feel sad and think I will never have that in my life. Why? Habit. We all have scenarios of a life that we believe are possible and so they are. And we have scenarios we believe are not possible and so they are not.

Some of you have a weight goal and cannot, or do not, imagine yourself there, and you’re having a hard time getting to that number or you reach it but have a hard time staying there. Why? Because you don’t really believe you belong there. And why don’t you believe it? Habit.

When it comes to your thoughts about weight loss what is your habit? What are you really thinking, imagining and cementing into your subconscious as fact? “To get unstuck, first stop doing the things that got you stuck.” Aren’t you tired of banging your head up against the wall?

What do I still need to learn?

When I think back on 2020 and try to arrange my thoughts, I am once again reminded of Pema Chödrön’s words “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know…”.  And the fact that I have used that quote several times in my writings points to the fact that I know I have much to learn.  As a Global community we still have much to learn too, as the events of 2020 have so glaringly pointed out, but we need to look inward first. With so many of my personal distractions unavailable to me I’ve been forced to look inward for comfort to soothe the feelings of cracking up and the result has been mentally cracking open and starting to see so much in a new light.  For a long time I’ve asked myself “what have I learned?” but perhaps I should also ask “what do I still need to learn?”

Yesterday I had a great video chat with a friend, who is also a WW member.  I always marvel at her sense of self, something she says she has always had and attributes to her parents. I’m so curious about people with great self-esteem and how that affects their lives; these are the people who love themselves through all points in their journey. Really, they are like rare and exotic birds to me! 

I recently received an email that made me feel so wonderful and worthy.  As I read it I felt such joy and validation!  What a gift! Not just because it made me feel good, which is great, but because I was able to observe it still so often takes an external source to bring up those feelings.  So, this is obviously one thing I still need to learn to do for myself. This continues to be the piece of my WW puzzle I have yet to solve.

I’m not a fan of setting resolutions but I am a fan of setting intentions.  So, my intention is to build my sense of self by focusing on a daily practice of purposeful and affirming meditation, observing old thought patterns and recognizing/revising unhelpful thoughts. AND, I am definitely going to study the rare birds that I know! 

What are your intentions for 2021?  What have you learned?  What do you still need to learn?  Write it down!

“I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head…” Eminem

At our Roundtable last night one of the members talked about the thoughts (voices?) she’s had going around in her head these days and it reminded me of this piece I’ve been working on but haven’t been able to finish…until now.

One of the voices in my head has been singing this lyric for a couple of weeks now, which usually means a blog topic is coming to me, but this time nothing.  Well, that’s not exactly true, there are ideas but the voices in my head can’t decide on just one.  That’s the trouble with the voices in my head, which one do I listen to?  For that matter, why should I listen to any of them if many of the voices (thoughts) are not mine, but were given to me?  Which voice is really me?  All of them? None of them? I think the answer is yes: all of them and none of them.  So, in the interest of self-preservation, I’ve decided to take a “keep your friends close and your enemies even closer” approach.  If I can’t banish the monster under my bed, then maybe it’s time to befriend it, or at least try to understand it.  After all, how hard can it be to make friends with an imaginary life threatening being?

When I was little and I had a nightmare, my Mom would come in, turn the light on, and prove to me there was nothing to be afraid of and that I was safe.  She shone a light on the monster who was not under my bed but in my head.  That’s what I’ve decided to do with the voices in my head, bring them into light and let them be heard.  I try not to be judgemental, just curious: where did you come from, are you mine or did someone give you to me, why have you popped up now and is it in my best interest to believe what you say?  In the past when an upsetting thought came up my habit was to just accept it, but now I try to observe the thought and question it: is that true, is that really true?  I can imagine we all have many of the same negative thoughts, like “I’m always letting people down” or “I’m a failure.”  Ask yourself, is that true?  Are you always letting people down?  Really, always??? Making choices that are in your best interest is not the same as letting people down, you matter too.  And failing?  None of us succeed at every single we do but that does not make us failures.  It makes us human.

Every time we shine a light on the voices, and question them, we move towards making peace with them which really is in our best interest, after all, we do have to share head space with them. So, when your negative voices start to sound off and threaten to disturb your inner peace, try questioning them.  I’ve found mine don’t like it, and it’s the best way to shut them up!  After all, their power comes from you believing they are true.

 

 

 

“Be careful how you are talking to yourself because you are listening.” Lisa M. Hayes

In WW we’ve been addressing this topic for years.  I remember using the quote above in one of my first workshops 8 years ago and I know many of you have been WW members for far longer.  So, how’s the self-talk going for you?  Have you changed your inner dialogue?  A lot?  Very little?  Not at all?  Why?

Self-talk, whether it’s positive or negative, is like any other habit in our lives: at some point we developed a behaviour and just kept doing it.  As with any other habit we want to change, understanding when and why we began the habit can give us insight into our behaviour.  Obviously, I can’t speak for anyone else but I do know my negative self talk was given to me as a child by the adults in my life.  To be clear, this is not an exercise in laying blame. As a child, and young adult, I often laid blame on my adults but once I started making my own mistakes in life, I started to realize, like everyone else I was just doing the best I could based on what I knew and had been taught.  We do not come into this world thinking we are unworthy; we may own that feeling like we did but our sense of self-worth, positive or negative, was born out the actions and words used by our adults. The purpose of reflection in this instance is to establish when and how those feelings started so we can understand what we believe to be true about ourselves.

Whenever I talk smack to myself, or about myself, it all stems back to the comments made by my adults: you can’t do that, that will never work, don’t talk so much, sit down and be quiet..etc, etc, etc.  But here’s the thing; there were times when I couldn’t do something or something would not work as I planned to do it, or I did talk too much at certain times and needed to sit down and be quiet.  The problem was I rarely (in my mind, never) got the flip side: you can do that, that will work, tell us more, we want to hear what you have to say.  If we had been given lots of positive reinforcement, then perhaps the negative comments we did receive would not have become the foundation of what we believe to be true about ourselves.  After a while, we didn’t need others to reinforce those beliefs, we did it ourselves.

As kids, of course, we couldn’t have known that perhaps our adults were simply passing on what they had been told or what they believed about themselves.  In this case, even when we have discovered why and how we started our pattern, it doesn’t matter what we now know, what matters is what we still believe. We can’t change our beliefs until we change what we know, or what we think/believe we know.  How might your life have been different had you grown up with a positive personal belief system?  How might your WW plan be different?  Reflection doesn’t change what happened in the past but often when we understand something, we are able to let it go and start to make the changes we want within ourselves. My reflection has led me to believe so many of the comments I heard as a child probably had nothing to do with me.  Even as I write it, the thought still stuns me.  Imagine a comment that hurt you as a child. Now imagine the person who made it and what might have been going on in their mind.  Have you ever made a comment that upon reflection realized it had more to do with how you felt about yourself than the person you said it to? I often think about mean old Bertha, the lady who always just called me Chubby.  How did she really feel about herself?  What was said to her as a child? Doesn't make what she said right, but it does offer me another way of looking at it: maybe it was not about me.

Every time this topic comes up in WW you are being handed an opportunity, an opportunity to take back the worthiness you were born with but never got a chance to know.  Maybe last time we talked about it you weren’t in the headspace to hear it, or maybe your age-old beliefs were still too strong.  Maybe now you’re tired of your negative self-talk and really want to change. Maybe now you’re ready to start believing how great, wonderful and fabulous your friends say you are!  Why not, what have you got to lose, other than some pain and self-loathing?   Nothing. But, if you find it hard to start talking to yourself the way your good friends do, why not start by talking to yourself the way you talk to your animals, kids or grandkids?  That will tell you what to say!

Has Covid become a justifiable excuse for us to put our lives on hold?

Here’s an absolutely hypothetical example, this is not about a real person and she does not sometimes have straight, and sometimes wavy, red hair. We’ll call her J.  When Covid hit in March and it sunk in that it was here to stay, J. decided it was the perfect time to try online dating.  That’s what I like about J., she’s such a deep thinker with lofty goals.  Her friends had been after her to get “back out there” and since the thought of dating made her want to throw up, she thought online dating with the wall of Covid around it would be safe and less scary.  A way to move forward while standing still. Poor deluded J., thankfully an actual person would not think this way. 😏

To say the beast that is online dating is cruel with the ability to disembowel its’ victims might be overstating it, but it’s not!  Sometimes, that is how it feels, or at least that’s how J. describes it.  And now, after more than a few bad outcomes, J. has met someone she would like to get to know but she finds herself halted with the fear of Covid. Just when she was finally willing to go outside of her deeply entrenched comfort zone there is a pandemic!  Can’t a girl catch a break?  Even hypothetically? Apparently not in 2020.

Even though logically J. knew she had weighed the risks of getting to know Bachelor #17 and they were minimal, still the fear of Covid put the kibosh on all plans to meet.  Or did it? Overthinker J. searched and searched her brain for the answer.  The more she searched for reasons not to meet up, the more her brain gave her because that’s what search engines do.  So, just like we do when we can’t remember a specific name or place, she let it go so the real answer could reveal itself. “Life doesn’t cause how we feel, it reveals how we feel.” Carol Howe   

Is Covid causing how J. feels, or revealing how she feels?  Is J. using Covid as an excuse to not meet Bachelor #17?  Is the fear something other than what she is convincing herself it is?  Through meditation, letting go and allowing the answer to come to her, J. realizes she is really using Covid as an excuse to not feel vulnerable by opening herself up for rejection and loss.  Her original intention of using Covid as a wall of safety has now become a barrier to living.  J. knows she does not want to put her life on hold until Covid is over. She also knows life is not going to knock on her door without her first extending an invitation.  Yes, during a pandemic the invitation to life looks a lot different but it can still be extended. Of course, J.’s story is just a hypothetical example of how one could allow fear to cripple them, but it could happen. 😏

The pandemic has forced us all to live differently but it’s still our job to always try and live our best life.  How might you be putting your life on hold?  Are you always saying, and thinking, “when the pandemic is over and things are back to normal I’ll…...”?  What feelings are coming up for you now?  Is Covid causing how you feel, or revealing how you feel?   

 

“Happiness is an inside job.”

Really?  Then I've been going about it the wrong way!  Think about what makes you happy.  I’m going to hazard a guess that for most of us the list would go something like this: partner, family, friends, pets, job, travel, sports, reading, spa days, gym days, eating in a restaurant…and the list could go on and on.  But not one of these things comes from inside us, yet all of these things can affect how we feel which affects our happiness.  But what if you had none of these things at this very moment? Could you be happy?  What if you had many, or all, of these things, is happiness guaranteed? 

At different points in my life I’ve had all of the things I listed.  Was I happy all the time? No.  Was I happy most of the time? No.  When the external things in my life were going well I was happy.  But when the external things in my life went away, or changed, I found my happiness went with them.  My happiness was dependent on what I could do, be, or have.  I thought I had been cultivating inner peace for years but turns out not nearly enough; when I was happy I stopped cultivating.  Covid has forced me to change.  Or rather, Covid has given me the opportunity to change; the decision to change, or not, is still in my hands.

Every morning I have a decision to make: I can think about the day ahead of me and find the joy in it or I can relegate it to just another day of not getting to do all the things that make me happy.  But most importantly, since most of my day will be spent inside my head, I need to distract my monkey-mind from the ever-present catastrophic “what-if” scenarios of the future without having my long list happy, happy, joy, joys to lean on.  I’m really starting to see how much I lived in the future, always lining up the next external source of happiness.

I’m sitting by the water in my car, it’s a dreary day, and I’m struggling.  Struggling to write, struggling to not eat out of boredom and depression, struggling to lift myself out of feelings of loneliness and emptiness and struggling with the thought of having to put my life on hold so soon after getting it going again….that’s the hardest one to accept…putting certain parts of my life on hold.  And for how long? How long will I have to stand still?  That scares me; I tend not to do well standing still.  

Eckhart Tolle “Accept – then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.  This will miraculously transform your whole life.”  The present moment.  Dr. Joe Dispenza says, “Only in the present moment do you have access to other possibilities.”  Doesn’t it always come back to how we think?  If we focus on the things we can no longer do, that puts us out of the present moment and in the state of living in the past.  If we feel sad about our future being put one hold, that puts us in the state of feeling the loss of something that has yet to happen, again taking us out of the present moment.  We need to be present to “have access to other possibilities.”  So, what personality traits will need to emerge for me to be present going through this time?  I continually work on acceptance, gratitude, and optimism but I need more right now.  What about curiosity?  What possibility might present itself if I get curious about what is still available to me right now?  Following my curiosity has always held the possibility of opening a new door, something that has always made me happy, but this I time I need to get curious about something that comes from within and is not dependent on the external: people, places or things. Maybe it’s time to write that screenplay that won’t leave my head?  Or actually sign up for that screen-writing course I keep googling?  Why not? I certainly have the time!

What personality trait would have to emerge in you right now for you to be happy during this time?  What possibility might be available to you if you were to stay present?  What are you curious about?  Take a moment to think about it, you certainly have the time.

“Your own expectations hurt you more than anything else.” Buddha

I’ve been in a real funk lately. Could it be I’m causing it because I’m expecting too much?

I’m going to whine for a moment….I don’t know about you, but I am SO over COVID-19!!  I’m over not being able to see, let alone hug, my Mom in person at the nursing home. I’m over not being able to hop on a plane and go see my sick 81 year old Aunt in Las Vegas. I’m over being afraid to watch the news. I’m over feeling that planning for the future is useless. And, I’m completely over Zoom and not being able to Coach my 3 workshops in a real building and really seeing my people! (so grateful we have them but still over them!).  I have a lot more “overs” but you get the picture and, yes, I know my reasons for being “over COVID-19” are very small compared to so many others and I’m grateful that my worries are small, but that’s how I’m feeling.  I’m over life not being the way I want it to be!  Whining moment over.

I also feel completely void of all motivation these days, even for the things I usually expect to enjoy.  I expect to want to write and I expect to derive joy from it, but not right now.  Why?  My expectations?  We all have expectations of how our lives are supposed to go based on past experience, especially in our day to day lives, but now some, or many, of our expectations are not being fulfilled.  I can still expect when I arrive home, my cat Stuart, will run down the hall to greet me. I can still expect when I get a massage later today I’m going to feel great. I can still expect when I return my hair to it’s natural colour I will feel like my old self again. But it seems I can no longer always expect my friends to lift my spirits because their spirits are often as low as mine. I can no longer expect to talk to my other-Mother and feel good about lifting her spirits because when you’re 86 and you’ve hardly left your house since March, the spirt is also low.  I can no longer expect my sure-fire pick-me-up of planning my next trip to actually pick me up. In short, I can no longer expect my usual external sources to make me feel good. 

Why do you think so many people are baking, cleaning and drinking more right now?  Because even during a pandemic comfort food, clean closets and alcohol have continued to fulfill our expectations of them.  Our pets continue to fulfill our expectations even when the people in our lives may not. We all have TV shows we watch when we desire to feel a certain way: I’ve watched The Good Wife twice through in the past 3 years because my expectation of feeling capable of moving forward is fulfilled by lead character “Alicia”.  Also, in the past 3 years, I’ve watched a lot of action-packed violent shows because they continue to fulfill my expectation of mindless entertainment that never reminds me of what I’ve lost.  My expectations have kept me attached to the outcome of what I could reasonably predict my life would be; remove my comfortable attachments and I feel untethered.  “The root of suffering is attachment.” Buddha   So what have I learned?  I’ve learned I need to accept what is, adjust my expectations and let go of the attachments I have to those expectations.  But what if I don’t want to let go of my attachments to everything that’s predictable and comfortable? Oh right, more suffering.  Sound familiar?

I hear over and over again my WW plan doesn’t work without the in-studio workshops, and believe me, I KNOW exactly what you mean by that but in reality, that’s not true. I know it’s not true because I also hear, over and over, again that WW members love the virtual workshops and are having great success.  The difference between those two statements?  Expectation.  Here’s a prime example of a Pre-COVID-19 expectation: you rejoin WW (like most of us have!) and you expect that same highly motivating first week weight loss of 3-5 pounds you lost the first time around; but that didn’t happen and you’re discouraged, immediately thinking, “Well, this doesn’t work!” Your expectation was not fulfilled. No matter that the first time you joined might have been anywhere from 5 to 25 years ago and any number of other variables were in play this time around, your expectations were not fulfilled. And you feel defeated because you are attached to the outcome.  We are all attached to outcomes.  “Expectations are resentment waiting to happen.” Anne Lamont

As always we have two choices.  We can refuse to adjust our expectations to those parts of our lives that are no longer being fulfilled in the way we’re used to, and cause ourselves more suffering. Or we can accept that many things in our lives have changed and adjust our expectations.  “Serenity comes when we trade expectations for acceptance.” Buddha   Since I’m tired of being in a funk over things I cannot control, I'm going to adjust my expectations.

Starting now, I’m going to remind myself not only am I the one causing the funk but I’m also the one causing any and all ripple effects from said funk.  Yup, when I expect a specific outcome from someone, or something, and it’s not fulfilled, it’s my reaction to it that outcome that creates how I feel.  “Don’t blame people for disappointing you. Blame yourself for expecting too much from them.” Buddha   This is a particularly difficult for me, especially in relationships.  I’m easily hurt and much of it comes from expecting more than a person is willing, and/or able, to give.  It doesn’t make them a bad person, it just means I’ve projected my desires and expectations, perhaps unfairly, onto them.  It makes me wonder how many times I’ve been the one to not fulfil someone’s expectations?  Probably a lot more than I realize.

What are your unfulfilled expectations?  Do you expect because you’re kind and respectful others should be the same? You return calls and texts asap so others should as well?  You bend over backwards to make others happy so they should do the same for you?  You remember birthdays and anniversaries so others should too?  Do you expect most things in life should be fair and equal?  Do you expect things should remain the same or go back to normal? 

Each one of the examples above contains the word “should”.  When we use the word “should” we are wishing something, or someone, was different, and we cause ourselves to suffer.  When we expect something, or someone, to be different, we cause ourselves to suffer.  I for one am going to question my expectations and lean into accepting reality, after all why would I choose to cause myself more suffering?  I’m still over COVID-19 but I accept it is not over and am so grateful for what is available to me right now.  So, see you on Zoom!

Knowing why I should eat good nutritious food is not always enough for me.

When I’m seeking comfort I often turn to food and not good healthy food but food that I developed an emotional attachment to years ago.  I have an emotional attachment to starchy-salty-sugary-fatty deliciousness. I have no emotional attachment to fruits and vegetables.  I’ve never drowned my sorrows in salmon or tofu.  I have attempted to comfort myself with quinoa but got nothing from it until I fried it in butter and cheese.

I believe in the power of healthy eating and have spent the better part of my life seeking to change my dysfunctional relationship with food; I developed an eating disorder at 12 years old.  Can you imagine trying to be vegetarian in Denbigh in the ‘70’s?  At that time my Mom’s idea of a salad was either chopped iceberg lettuce dripping in a mayonnaise and sugar dressing or cabbage suspended in Jello. I had a vegetarian cookbook with all of these “exotic” ingredients that no one in the Renfrew grocery store had ever heard of: Bulgur wheat? Never heard of it. My problem was not that I wanted to be a vegetarian, my problem was I wanted to lose weight and thought being a vegetarian would achieve that so all healthy foods were just a means to an end.  Starchy-salty-sugary-fatty deliciousness was still my love, my friend, my comforter. Until it wasn’t, of course, but I refused to let go because sometimes it was.

We all know what we’re suppose to eat to be healthy and lose the weight, the hard part is doing it, especially during stressful, boring, even happy times.  We are emotional beings; every thought and action we take has an emotional component that can directly affect the food choices we make at the time.  Most of us try to eat well. We know we feel better when we eat healthy food, we know healthy food is medicine. So why don’t we always choose healthy food? For many of us our connection to healthy food is intellectual, we need to make it emotional as well.  How do we do that?

Think back to when, and how, you developed your emotional attachment starchy-salty-sugary-fatty deliciousness.  What was going on in your life?  Did it start as a distraction tactic in the form of a cookie to numb the pain from a skinned knee? A bribe to keep you quiet during church?  A promise of a reward for good behaviour at the dinner table? Or bravery at the dentist?  As we got older we continued to self-medicate with food based on those earlier habits.  And here we are all these years later still trying to manage those attachments and it’s hard, and sometimes fruitless, work!  How can we make it easier? Can we create an emotional attachment to high-fiber/protein/good-fats food?  Of course we can!  Like other healthy habits we work to build, we have the most success when we can connect them to feelings of pride, joy, happiness and self-love. Taking time to notice how we feel after we walk, swim, stretch or practice yoga can the motivation to get us off of the couch and out the door again. It may take some time in the beginning to cement those connections, especially if  those activities might have simply been a means to our weight loss and not a healthy lifestyle. 

Maybe it’s time to start listening to our bodies. When you have acid reflux after a high fat meal that your wolfed down after a stressful day, listen to what your body is trying to tell you.  It’s telling you that your go-to comfort food no longer makes it happy.  When you mow through a can of Betty Crocker icing before bed and you wake up with a sugar hangover, your body is trying to tell you to find another way to deal with the boredom or loneliness because it’s no longer feeling the love from the sugar.  Time to start building a loving and comforting attachment to healthy food by focusing how good our body feels and hums along when we nourish it and maybe, just maybe, the next time we have a stressful moment and we automatically decide a bucket of fried chicken or a gallon of ice cream is the only thing that will make us feel better, the attachment we’ve built to healthy and delicious food will give us time to pause and make a better choice, a healthier choice. Not that fried chicken or ice cream are bad but when I use them to numb emotional pain I don't savour every bite; I eat so mindlessly that before I know it, I'm staring at an empty carton and wondering where it all went. And then there's the acid reflux.

“What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”

Fight or flight: the instinctive physiological response to a threatening situation, which readies one either to resist forcibly or to run away. Psychologist Carl Jung contended that “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.”  Does that then mean if we are not fighting and/or running away from a bear we must face our fear or it will just get bigger?

When I knew I had to sell my house and move to Cobourg I didn’t have any gut-wrenching fear because I had come to believe it was no longer in my best interest to live there.  That was another one of my tasks while in therapy: whenever I felt myself in a situation that made my gut clench I was to ask myself “is this in my best interest?”  I’ve come to accept that even if my head has another opinion, listening to my gut is what leads me to peace, which is my ultimate goal. Looking back, many of the wrong turns I took in my life came from not listening to my gut. That is not say wonderful and valuable life lessons and experiences did not come from making those decisions, it is to say however, those decisions lead me away from what was in the best interest of my goal.  My biggest fear these days is losing the me I’ve finally found because this me is not firmly rooted yet so I feel like she could disappear at any moment.  This is causing my gut and my brain to duke it out, which makes for stressful days and sleepless nights.  I sometimes feel like my brain makes the decisions and my gut pays the price.  A new, and kindred-spirit, friend assures me that I’m not in danger of losing myself this time because this time I’m not the person I was and to trust the solid foundation I’ve built because for the first time it is truly mine.  If that’s true, does that mean my gut is reacting to a future my brain has projected as a possible outcome based on the fear of repeating the past? Is this fear real or habitual? In this instance I guess it doesn’t matter, what matters, as we’ve been discussing this week, “our bodies have trouble differentiating these troubling thoughts from an actual threat (a bear coming at you in the woods!), our stress response kicks in.”  The next part will tick you off:

Fast Facts 1 & 2 from this week:

1. Stress hormones can increase our appetite, especially for foods higher in fat and sugar.

2. High levels of stress hormones, like cortisol, can lead our bodies to store more body fat, especially around our abdomens.

Well, isn’t that nice to know?  Once again what we think and what we believe have a huge impact not only on the quality of our life, but our efforts to lose weight.  And once again, what can we do?  Fast Fact 3. Studies show that practicing mindfulness regularly can help “quiet” the part of our brain that activates our stress response.  The 5-4-3-2-1 technique in the weekly is a great way mindful breathing practice. 

Most days I need to not only quiet my monkey mind but give it something different to focus on. I have an extensive mental library of questionable thoughts that require debunking so I often use Byron Katie’s 4 questions from her book, “Loving What Is”.  It’s a simple exercise but I find it very effective, even for the annoyingly relentless, and utterly childish “nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go to the garden and eat worms” thought. It’s childish because I was 5 or 6 years old and running away from home with just an arm full of socks and underwear….to my Aunt’s house, who lived next door.  But it is also how many people feel so a good example to demonstrate how the exercise might go.  To be clear, I truly don’t believe I’m unlovable but some days the 5 year old demands, and deserves, some attention.

Question 1: Is it true?  Answer: Yes, nobody loves me.

Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true?  Answer: Well, I guess some people love me, like my family and friends.

Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?  Answer:  When I believe I’m unlovable it causes me to suffer unnecessarily. I don’t sleep well, I eat more, my gut hurts and potato chips find their way into my grocery cart. Ultimately it interferes with my goal of living a peaceful existence. 

Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?  Answer:  This one can be difficult because we’ve had so many negative thoughts over the course of our lives that it never occurs to us to question them. The harder this one is to answer, the more it needs answering.  If I did not believe the thought I am unlovable I would not be so easily hurt by the actions of others.  The need to please would not rule my existence.  Fear of failure would not keep me from trying new things.  Feelings of happiness, joy and peacefulness would have a chance to grow.

Most of us are lucky we don’t actually have to fight, or take flight, but that doesn’t mean we don’t give our bodies reason to believe we do. If you’re in a constant state of inner turmoil you are in a constant state of stress causing a constant stream of stress hormones to be released.  What is chasing you? What are you resisting? What stressful situations are you growing in yourself by believing old thoughts?  Find ways to quiet your mind, challenge your negative thoughts and question your fears.  Why not, unless they’ve saved you from a bear, how have they helped or hindered your life? Change never happens overnight but even the smallest movement forward can bring you peace.