Butter Tarts are not my enemy.

Enemy: a thing that harms. Butter Tarts are not my enemy, it's my thought that Butter Tarts will make me feel better or solve my problems that is the enemy.  

I've just finished listening to Geneen Roth's book, "Women, Food and God" and it makes so much sense to me!  Betty Anne lent me a copy of the book and here's my recent email to her:

"I've been meaning to get your book back to you.  I have never read it.  I tried several times during "My Year of Living Dangerously Close to Cracking Up" but have a difficult time staying focused on self help books.  Perhaps because every second paragraph sends my mind off down a corridor of self reflection and I forget to come back!

However, after reading just a few pages I knew deep down it was about me.  A few months ago I decided to put all the time I spend in my car to good use.  So, I bought books on CD. Two weeks ago I came across your copy of "Women, Food and God" and thought duh....so immediately ordered it.  I just finished it last night on my drive back from Denbigh.  To put it mildly Geneen's words have brought about a flood of emotions.  First, sadness for the young girl who so could have used that insight 47 years ago, then anger because I wish I had read it a year ago and then acceptance because I was not in the frame of mind to take it in a year ago, and now excitement because I finally see a way to change my relationship with food and yet still, some trepidation because I'm afraid to try to change my relationship with food and finally, hopeful possibility." 

Here are some of Geneen's word that have really resonated with me.  Perhaps you will see yourself in them too.

"Most of us spend our lives protecting ourselves from losses that have already happened."

"We eat the way we eat because we are afraid to feel what we feel".

"No matter what we weigh, those of us who are compulsive eaters have anorexia of the soul.  We refuse to take in what sustains us.  We live lives of deprivation.  And when we can't stand it any longer, we binge."

"The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive.  Your relationship with food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning and transformation."

"If you try to lose weight by shaming, depriving and fearing yourself, you will end up shamed, deprived and afraid.  Kindness comes first. Always."

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist."

It is possible a Butter Tart is just a Butter Tart and has no healing properties.

Food is not the enemy, our thoughts about food are the enemy.

It is possible to change our thoughts.

Lasting joy comes from being grateful for that which we cannot change.

Being grateful for the wonderful things in our life is easy, but I've learned lasting joy comes from being grateful for that which we cannot change.  I've found that being selective in my gratitude comes at a price and that price is joy.  During tough times I would often sit and list all the great things in my life and was instantly buoyed up but since those things are only part of my life I'd often slipped back into unhappiness.  It wasn't until I decided to start being grateful for all, that's right, the good, the bad and the ugly, that I felt a shift in my joy.  

Now if I deem something in my life not worthy of my gratitude I will ask myself, "Do you, or can you, change and/or stop it?"  If the answer is no, for whatever reason, then it's reasonable there must be some redeeming quality about it, so I try and find my way to gratitude. 

It's tough when it's a life altering situation, especially one you would not have chosen. Like most people there are events that have happened in my life that I'm anything but grateful for, but it is those exact events that are stealing my joy, or rather I am allowing, to steal my joy.  Last night I arrived home to find a piece of mail that I've known was coming and kept telling myself that I would be okay with it when it did.  Well, I wasn't.  Feelings of sadness and failure came rushing up and I was very grateful I had no chips or ice cream in the house.  I decided to just let the feelings flow through me and trust that gratitude would come.  I had a fitful sleep last night and a heavy hearted morning.  And did not have time to walk this morning and wow, did my brain need it!

On my way to WW today I played a new CD I had bought last week by Wayne Dyer called, "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life" and one of the verses he quoted from Tao Te Ching was "Amidst the rush of worldly comings and goings, I observe how all endings become beginnings."  I hit repeat, and again, and again, and again....and there, on the 401, I was able to find a small path to gratitude.  Finding the gratitude doesn't have to mean that we're glad things happened, finding the gratitude helps us release the pain of what has happened and allow us to find joy.  The joy of what is possible in a new beginning.

Maybe we should think of it as taking our brain for a walk instead of our butt.

Like so many of you I started exercising so many moons ago to lose weight.  Honestly my reason for doing so many things in my life have been to lose weight. That's a sad thought and a whole other blog topic!

One thing I have noticed over the years is how much better I felt about myself after a walk or work-out.  However, getting my butt in gear and out the door is often a challenge.  I used to have a dog which got me out walking every day but since moving into a condo I have not had my 4-legged personal trainer for almost a year and have not walked regularly for almost a year.  Until a few weeks ago when it became a possibility.  If you were in any of my WW meetings you might have noticed how pumped with possibility I was after that walk!  All those thoughts coincided with my new endeavor to not hang on to my history at the expense of my future.  I really want to stop wasting so much precious time dwelling on the past. Right??

These days what's getting me out the door in not the thought of losing weight but the thought of not losing my mind.  As I continue to tread through my life's circumstances I find I have more than the occasional moment of sadness and loneliness which I realize is a part of the grieving process.  It's a part that really sucks! Fortunately I've found that walking alleviates the sucking.  Walking makes me want to state what is possible which now easily turns into an attitude of gratitude.  I return home with any negative thoughts of my history firmly behind me.

As Weight Watchers has changed to WW, Wellness that Works, so too have I changed.  Yes, I still want to lose/manage my weight but now more than ever I want to do so with a healthy and happy mind, free of my history.  For many of us our weight loss journey has become a journey of self-discovery: the ultimate mind game.  Fortunately at WW this game not does have to be played alone and for that I am profoundly grateful every single day......yes, I'm crying right now...haha...

"Where the head goes the body follows."  Ryan Holiday

So, if you're like me and need a reason other than weight loss to get your activity in, use your mental health as your reason, you'll be so glad you did, plus your butt is going to follow anyway!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I bared my arms in public and did not die.

Once while I was out walking, in my fun state of what could be possible, I found myself feeling courageous and brave. I felt it so deeply that as I was striding along I blurted out, thankfully just in my head,  "Today it is possible that I will bare my arms in public!"...and ZAP...all my new-found feelings of courage and bravery immediately slunk back into the shadows.  So I said it again, and again, and until I was tired of myself and took off my hoodie and slung it over my shoulders.  Whew, I was actually walking out in public, arms bared for all to see and much to my surprise I did not die, I survived.
 
Today I was out walking and I met 2 older men walking along the boardwalk, one about 80 and the other one 90.  We exchanged good mornings and the 90 year old asked me how I was and I asked in return how they were and he looked at me, smiled and said, "We are surviving."  As continued my walk I realized that's exactly how I feel, I am surviving and although sometimes just surviving is us doing our very best, I don't want to live my life in survival mode anymore.  I want to thrive!  As we grow up we're taught by the adults in our lives the basic skills needed to survive but how many of us were taught how to thrive?  Most of who we are emotionally was planted by someone else and, for better or worse, people plant what they know.  Now it's up to us to decide if we want to thrive or merely survive.

"When you hold on to your history, you do so at the expense of your future."  
Bishop T.D. Jakes

In order for us to thrive we have to let go of the past and the negative emotions we've attached to it.  I've been in therapy for these past two years and one of the most valuable lessons I've learned was that by trying NOT to feel my feelings of fear, sadness and unworthiness I was actually giving them more power.  So much power that they filled my entire being, leaving no room for hope, joy or self-love.  My therapist asked me to try letting the feelings surface, allow myself to feel them and just observe, and much to my surprise I observed that I did not die, I survived!  And another surprise?  As I brought them into the light, bit by bit,  they started to melt away and lose their power.

Now I have room for gratitude, hope, joy, acceptance and self-love. I don't think we ever get rid of all of our negative emotions because they're part of the fabric of who we are. But now when the old emotions come up I have cultivated powerful new ones to help soothe them away. I am gratefully and joyfully planting the seeds of possibility for my future and they are thriving!  Most days. :)

Some days possibilities seem impossible

Last Saturday I woke up feeling guilty and selfish.  I was to go to my parents to help out with my Mom who has Alzheimer's and I didn't not want to go.  I just wanted to stay home for one weekend and do a whole lot of nothing, in my house, in my cookie and dumpling free, air conditioned house, with my comfy bed waiting for me at the end of the day.  

So I went for my walk anxious to state my possibilities for the day, then feel the shame I felt melt away.  That did not happen.  Time after time I stated, "Today it is possible that..." and nothing. I tried "Today it is possible I will give my Dad a much needed break", " Today it is possible that I will put the needs of my parents before my own".  Still nothing.  No uplifted feeling or renewed sense of purpose.  I still did not want to go.

And then that voice in my head said, "It's okay to not want to go." Then the possibilities started:

"Today it is possible I will do the things I don't want to do."

"Today it is possible I will accept feeling selfish and guilty as part of being human." 

"Today it is possible to accept that life is not turning out the way I had planned."

"Today it is possible I will show up anyway for those who need me."

"Today it is possible I will feel gratitude for my good, my bad and my ugly."
"Today it is possible my ugly will lead me closer to living in grace."

It was a shorter walk that day and I'd be lying if I said I arrived home with the same feelings of calm and hopefulness that I felt last week.  But I did feel at peace.  By stating my truth in the form of possibility I was relieved of the idea that giving loving care to others requires total selflessness. It doesn't, it requires you show up and do your best.

And as I walked into my parents house that day I realized that these weekly visits have given me the gift I have been waiting for my whole life.  I guess I didn't notice the gift sooner because it wasn't "packaged" the way I had always dreamed it would be.  I had always dreamed I would be told how good I was and that I had done well by the one person I have butted heads with for as long as I can remember. Instead the person that I had always put on a pedestal, constantly seeking out his approval, told me he needed me and thanked God every day for me and my brother.  His approval was packaged in gratitude.
That day my Dad looked at me with his 85 year old eyes and said, "I've already plugged in the fridge in the garage so the beer will be cold."

Today it is possible that....

This is my first post (well, the first one that I've published) since October 6th, 2016.  But today it is possible.

First a wee bit of background to catch you up on what I've been up to during that time.  In a chronological nutshell, my friend died suddenly, my son's father died suddenly, an old friend committed suicide, my husband of 17 years decided he didn't love me anymore and left, I witnessed the death of one of my dearest friends, I sold my house, I moved to Cobourg, my Mom's Alzheimer's is breaking my Dad's heart which in turn breaks mine.  Yup, that pretty much covers it.  Everybody has their stuff to go through and that's okay.

Fast forward to this morning.  At this time of year in my WW meetings we've been talking about setting our Fall goals which for many of us seem to include getting back on track after the summer!  No surprise there.  We've talked about setting goals to start tracking again, start exercising again, start drinking more water again, start cooking and freezing in portions again etc, etc. etc....you get the idea, the things we always seem to be "getting back to" as WW's.

It's not been lost on me that as a WW Leader I should be setting an example and nailing at least a few of those but, other than drinking lots of Perrier, I'm not.  And, like so many of you, even though I've always been a goal setter I'm finding it difficult to put those goals into action right now.  

So I'm starting with the baby steps we so often talk about.  As one WW member said when it came to getting back to tracking, "I just do it, it's not perfect and sometimes not accurate, but I just had to start the process."  Genius!  We just have to start the process!  I think often we don't start because we project onto ourselves the need to be perfect, and who can be perfect?  No one.

This morning as I sat down at my computer to check my email my inner voice said, "Today it is possible that I could go for a walk".  Ummm, that's interesting but was possible and so I went.  And the moment I started walking down the street my mind started churning out possibilities:

Today it is possible that I will walk farther than I walked yesterday.
Today it is possible that I will say "Hello" to another walker.
Today it is possible that I will feel like part of the community simply by walking in it.
Today it is possible that I will forgive.
Today it is possible that I will feel joy.
Today it is possible that food will not rule my day.
Today it is possible that I will meet a kindred spirit.
Today it is possible that I will set boundaries that take into account my comfort and happiness too.
Today it is possible that I will not eat through a stressful or sad moment.
Today it is possible that I will do something to make someone happy.
Today it is possible that someone will do something to make me happy.
Today it is possible that I will hear a particular song and not want to cry.
Today it is possible that memories will not make me feel sad but grateful to have made them.
Today it is possible that I will feel gratitude for everything that has happened in my life...everything.
Today it is possible that time does indeed heal all wounds.
Today it is possible that I will write a blog entry for the first time in almost 2 years.

Honestly there are too many to list, it was a long walk! Some were poignant, others were fun and but all sounded like goals, or to be precise, gentle goals.  Then I got excited because I thought of my people and our goal setting strategies!

What if listing possibilities is a gentle way of putting our goals into action?  Saying what is possible is not demanding and doesn't threaten us with failure.  I found just reciting the words, "Today it is possible that..." made me feel calm, peaceful and hopeful.  Many of us are afraid to set goals because we're afraid of failure. Afraid that by saying a goal out loud, or even to ourselves, that if we don't follow through we'll have to admit that we've failed...once again.  It dawned on me as I was walking and stating possibilities that failure did not even enter my mind, that I didn't feel the threat of failure looming as it so often does. I felt as if they were already happening; "what you think you become, what you feel you attract, what you imagine you create."   



I choose to also dwell in possibility.  How about you?

Gratitude, try it, you'll like it!

Like many of you I've been struggling with my WW plan lately, personal issues seem to be taking over.  I keep working on living with the attitude of gratitude and I must say it never lets me down. Whenever life seems too overwhelming I take a moment to list all I am grateful for and it's like magic, a calm settles over me and I am able to take a moment, breathe and continue forward.

Try it!  Gratitude fills all spaces in our heart and soul so there is no room for fear, anger and negative feelings.  Thanksgiving weekend can often cause anxiety and fear about staying on Plan. We must realize the easiest way to fall off Plan is to be anxious and fearful.  We must also realize the best chance our Thanksgiving Plan has for success is to execute it with gratitude.

Have a wonderful 

Thanksgiving Weekend!

Keep your gratitude front 

and center....

you'll be thankful you did!

It's time.

Time.  Buddha says, “The trouble is you think you have time”.

Lately life has brought about many reasons for me to think about time. I woke up with a start early this morning and had this thought, "It's time to stop. Stop what I asked. Time to stop trying to fix yourself.  You don't need fixing, nature does not make mistakes.  Everything in nature is as it should be. It's time to stop."  Even in my semi-sleep state I "talk" a lot.

I have been trying to fix myself since Grade 6... that's 45 years! I marvel, and/or lament, that one moment in math class, a moment that was catastrophic to only me, set me on a path that would last 45 years.  I think I've given enough time to this unnecessary and soul destroying quest. Every time I think of the time I've wasted I want to cry but that would just be wasting more precious time wouldn't it?

Okay, now that I've had this epiphany, how in hell do I stop thinking that I need fixing, that I am not enough as is?  How do I stop thoughts, damaging as I know them to be, that have become me, are me. The enlightened-Oprah-watchin' me knows my thoughts are not me but the ego. I understand it all when I'm listening to Eckhart Tolle but man just thinking about putting that into practice makes my brain hurt.  How do I stop paying attention to thoughts I've been living my life by for 45 years!  I guess one thought at a time.  Like everything else we want to change and master, one step, one thought, one day at a time.  As thought of needing to "fix" comes in, I will notice it and replace it with "nothing to fix, I am enough".

Whenever I write a post like this I can't help but wonder, "Is it only me?" But then I think of all the people I have conversations with about feeling less than and needing to be fixed and I know sadly there are many of us still attached to those moments in time when we started to believe we were not enough as is.  Is it time for you too to stop? I don't mean to upset you but have you thought about all of the time you have wasted trying to fix yourself?  I'll bet there are a few people who can beat 45 years.

I have to pause and think about that one but if I am truly not the voice in my head, then Hallelujah, what a relief because quite frankly she is becoming a pain in the ass!  

And NEVER shuts up! :)

This is a difficult one for me because I never give up but I guess it's not giving up if you were never meant to do it in the first place is it?  I was never meant to fix myself because I was never broken.  I see that now, but yup, that's gonna take a while.

"We get the life we tolerate." Tony Robbins

He said this during his last visit on Oprah's "Super Soul Sunday" and I've not been able to get it out of my head since.  At first I found it to be quite harsh as if he was saying is dismissively but then realized I was just projecting my negative self image into it....I am so freakin' predicable!  Once I was able to take emotion out of it I started to grasp the full meaning of how it related to me, and by me I mean my inability to get back to goal weight, of course.

I have always been able to tolerate what it took to lose weight, at least for short periods of time!  For the past 20 years (20 years???) I have been able to tolerate not eating starchy foods because at first it helped me lose weight but then I noticed I felt so much better (translation: was not constipated).I thought I was strong and dedicated. As it turns out, yes, I was strong and dedicated but I was also 35.

Two years ago I gained 11 pounds in 2 weeks (Puerto Rico: mucho chips and beer, no walking, no tracking) but the moment I came home I went right back to tracking and walking and lost about 4 pounds and then hit a wall... could not lose more.  But I keep on trying (for 2 years now!!) because it worked 4 years ago. I keep on trying the same thing expecting the "original" results and nothing. I finally had to accept what I did to lose weight 4 years ago now is maintenance for me.  

So, in order to lose I have to change my plan in two ways: 1. not eat my weeklies  2. do more than just walk 4 times a week. So far I have done neither of those things.  Why?  Well, after much soul searching I have come to the conclusion that I just don't want to.  I like to use my weeklies every weekend and I don't want to add a zumba class 3 times a week.....I just don't want to.

Now my challenge is to tolerate my decision so I can be at peace with it. That is turning out to be a bit of a bitch because I am not a quitter and my over-thinkin' little brain is having a really difficult time tolerating the "I just don't want to" attitude.  Because I must always have a plan, it is my plan for the time being to work on allowing myself to tolerate maintenance which means tracking my daily and weekly points and going for 4 or 5 walks a week. All I will be changing is my attitude...haha..we'll see how that goes!   If I find I can no longer tolerate being over goal, then out comes the zumba video! 

What are you tolerating?  Are you okay with it? What are you unable to change because you've been tolerating it?  And if you're unable, or unwilling, to do what it takes to change it, are you willing to try and accept it?

This I know.

I know we need to pick one...tolerate or change. 

There is no peace living in the middle.

Is grief stopping me in my tracks?

I haven't written a blog entry for a couple of weeks because I quite simply can't focus long enough. I'm beginning to wonder if it's grief.  I wrote briefly a couple of weeks ago about the sudden passing of ex-husband Carl, and the overwhelming pain I felt, and still feel, for my son Glenn.  I know I have been grieving for Glenn and others in his Dads life but have I also been grieving for myself?  Of course I have.  It's a different kind of grief when that person is not in your daily life. We grieve for that which is gone.

So for me this is just some of what is gone:

- knowing my son can watch, and bitch about, the Jays and the Leafs with his beloved Dad.

- the person who taught my son about all the "really good" music and movies of 50 years ago

- the person who sometimes drove my son nuts so he called me to complain about him

- the person who had very strong opinions on everything which showed up nicely in our sons  personality and helped him be the deep thinker he is today.

- knowing the other side of our sons safety net is gone, now it's just me.  

- the only other person who truly knew just exactly how magnificent and absolutely splendid the little boy born on January 26, 1988 really is.  I think this one is the hardest.

Re-reading what I just wrote has made me see that I'm still allowing only the Glenn part of my grief to be recognized. This one is the hardest for me to admit because it's tied to my biggest regret and failure as a wife and mother: I'm finally grieving the person I thought I was supposed to be, tried very hard to be but was not able to be.  I'm finally grieving the death of a young woman who so desperately wanted to be what she was expected of her but finally could not.  I guess it's appropriate that she dies with Carl. We grieve for that which is gone.

Lately, I've said too many times, "Enough with the people dying!".  In fact I said it about 5 hours ago when we learned about the death of another friend. Sometimes in life there is just a run on death among the people we know, that is just the way it is, and will continue to be.  I've given up on trying to find meaning in it and have just accepted it as life...and death....the circle of life.  The one thing every death has in common is that it reminds me just how fleeting and fragile life is and to stop wasting time. 

And this one was Carl's favourite...