“Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?”

“Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?”

That is what one of the many voices in my head said last Friday. It was my Birthday and after coaching my first Friday virtual workshop I was so stoked and thought there was no better way to have celebrated the day! Well, that and I’d also been pondering what indulges I’d have for dinner. Then my dear friend, who is also my hair stylist, messaged to say it was her last day in her shop so I did what any friend would do, I begged her to squeeze me in! Later that afternoon, freshly de-shaggyed and nicely coiffed, I happily decided Pizza and Cheesecake would be my dinner. I’ve been struggling with feelings of “Oh, to heck with it” when it came to following my Plan right now and the excuse of having my Birthday dinner alone was perfect! So I stopped at Almost Perfect and got a 10” thin crust gourmet pizza and a package of 4 single serving sized Vanilla Bean Crème Brulee Cheesecakes. And I had every intention of eating it all.

When I got home, I put the pizza in the oven, poured a glass of wine and got comfy. When the buzzer dinged, I put the entire pizza on my very large plate and went to sit down in front of my paused episode of “Vikings”. Quite a while ago eating without TV distraction became a habit so it was no problem to settle in and enjoy my pizza. But then I got up and put 2 of the 4 pieces in the freezer. The pizza was absolutely delicious and after I enjoyed every bite I resumed watching good looking men chop each other up. Then it was time for dessert!! I had defrosted all 4 cakes since they were the size of a hockey puck and knew one would not be enough. I put one on a small plate and had a deep conversation with it. A few bites in I knew I would be going to bed later very full of cheesecake, it was SO good! SO good!

But then something happened. My belly told me I was satisfied, and my brain told me if I really wanted another one I could have it but why feel stuffed when feeling satisfied was enough? So, I got up and wrapped the remaining 3 pieces of cheesecake and put them in the freezer as well. I have never done that before and that’s when the voice said “Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?” WW has helped me change not only my dysfunctional relationship with food but with self esteem and with body issues. Am I perfect in my decisions every day? Nope, because perfection is an illusion and therefore unattainable. But I have changed and continue to change. And so have you. Every time you make a decision that moves you towards your ultimate goals, know you made that decision because you have changed! And even when we make decisions not in the best interest of our goals we are still changing because now we understand why we made that decision, and we get back on track and try to make a better decision the next time. Change happens in baby steps, not leaps and bounds.

Right now we are all being forced to change and it can be scary. But I believe when this is all said and done many of the changes we’ve had to make will have served to move us towards those ultimate goals. Before WW I would have been the woman with a grocery cart full of Betty Crocker Icing and now I’m the woman with fruits, veggies, chicken and occasionally a Pizza and Cheesecake…now THAT is change!

Just a few things we can do right now.

Yesterday I crushed an entire box of WW Tortilla Sea Salt Chips (yes 5 bags) and mixed them with a whole can of tuna and a not so small dollop of mayo. I wish I could say I was stress eating just because of current events but the fact is my stress eating triggers can be set off from something as insignificant, and vain, as my hair “not going right”. But yesterday was not my hair, not my weight, not grief, not work, yesterday was fear. And as much as I try to be logical about COIVD-19, it’s scary. But I’m not overly scared about contracting the virus, my fear stems from how quickly we can lose our humanity. That’s truly scary and it’s a fear that’s new to many of us here in Canada. What is not new to most of us is how we deal with stress; we self medicate with food.

So what can we do? This is what we can do:

-Stay connected with your Tribes. As much as it can be argued excessive social media is destroying true human connection now is the time to use it. Ignore the fear mongering garbage and write encouraging posts to your family and friends. Or call a neighbour and ask them how they’re doing.

-You are not alone. Get WW support by posting on our FB pages. Write about how you’re being affected and how you’re feeling. Chances are if you’re feeding your stress others are as well and we can help relieve that stress other by sharing.

-Put your phone on the counter while you’re reading or watching Netflix. After chatting with my son yesterday I left my phone on the counter and checked it only twice the rest of the day and my stress/fear level dropped considerably because I wasn’t feeding it every 10 minutes.

-Get outside and get some fresh air and enjoy the abundant sunshine. Although we’ve been encouraged to practice social distancing stepping outside even in your back yard or on your balcony can help you feel less isolated.

-Put on your favourite music and dance. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be stressed while you’re dancing! Rack up those activity points and endorphins!

-Focus on what you’ve learned in WW so far. Each and everyone of us has adopted healthy ways that are second nature so we don’t even realize we’re doing them. I neglected to mention that I did not eat the entire Tortilla Tuna mixture yesterday so I will be mixing it lettuce for lunch and I predict it will be delicious! Before WW I would have eaten the whole thing regardless of whether or not I was hungry. Time to rock our Non-Scale Victories!

-If you do stress eat, track it and let it go.

-Practice self-care without guilt.

-Become part of the solution and work our humanity by being loving, kind, patient, gracious, and generous. Smile at everyone you meet.

-Take time to just breath and be grateful. This too shall pass. ❤️❤️❤️

My closet is trying to tell me something.

This is not the topic I want to write about (again!!) but it's what keeps coming out of my fingers so I give up.  Good grief!

When the person with whom you have had the most difficult relationship in your life dies, is that the end of the relationship?  Of course the answer is no, the relationship lives on in our thoughts.  My Father fell and broke his hip on Tuesday June 11, was operated on Wednesday June 12 and died Saturday June 15 and I've been struggling ever since to figure out how I feel about it. I do know I feel so grateful that through coinciding life-altering events we banded together to care for Mom, and each other, and the possibility of what our relationship could be emerged.  Even in grief there are gifts.

In the past couple of months I've noticed the floor space in my walk-in closet getting smaller and smaller but frankly I find it fascinating so have decided to let it play itself out.  It wasn't a stretch to realize it has something to do with either my divorce, my Dad, my Mom or my weight but I couldn't pinpoint it.   Turns out it's related to all four, of course.

I see now I endeavoured to avoid the grief of my divorce by immediately focusing on the needs of my parents.  It was purposeful action (which I thrive one) and since I was at my divorce weight I thought I was good to go because no one ever gains that weight back!  I gained the weight back and more and had to buy a bigger size.  But here's the thing with a closet, it's like the mind, it only holds so much and mine is full of clothes than are now too small so all of the new clothes I've bought are hung on the ends of hangers, draped over the hangers, stuffed onto the shelves or simply left on the floor in bags.  My clothes basket quickly got buried and instead of washing all the clothes in it, I just picked out the clothes that needed washing.  To be fair to me, most of the clothes in the basket have been in there since last winter so I tell myself not to worry, winter is coming, they'll get washed.

My closet as an outward manifestation of my thoughts and this is what my thoughts are trying to tell me:
- I'm tired of being the grown-up so I've reverted to my messy "you can't make me" teenage self, but only in the closet, because, after all, I am a grown-up.
-looking after my Mom's and Dad's affairs is exhausting and I can't face adding one more thing to my to-do list.
-I'm angry that it took my divorce and Mom's Alzheimer's for my Dad to finally need me.
-you don't lose a marriage, a Mom and a Dad and not be forever changed and a big part of me is resisting that change.
-I'm afraid I'm not really capable of being the strong one.
-if you don't allow the grief have it's moment in your heart it will take up residence in your closet. Or your thighs, hips or belly.
-if I get rid of the clothes that no longer fit me, that means I accept myself as I am and I'm not sure if I'm willing/wanting/able to do that yet.

When life spirals out of control we cling to familiar behavior, even the behaviour we know is not in our best interest.  We choose to stay weighed down by anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial because the thought of opening up and acknowledging these feelings is overwhelming.  We're afraid if we open that door we may never get it shut again plus there may have been a time when anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial kept us safe.

Each journey is different and we all travel at our own pace.  Usually it's the pace that feels safe to us and we must honour that feeling with love and self-compassion.  Just keep moving and seeking and bit by bit, as you allow the light in, you will start to feel safe in your own capabilities and fear less.  It is possible.

"In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you."

This journey of mine has been many things since I started on it at the age of 10: my friend, my enemy, my keeper of secrets, but most of all it's been my teacher.  Certainly not my favourite teacher like Miss Axford but perhaps my most important teacher.  

In my WW workshops I often ask "What have you learned?"or "What do you think that was meant to teach you?". These past couple of years have been extremely challenging and at times have nearly broken me. In order to find meaning in it all I turned to self-reflection and growth. I have asked myself over and over again, "What am I meant to learn from this experience?"

And here's some of what I've learned:

I've learned no matter how many truly loving and caring people reach out and offer support, most of the time it's just me so I need to search within myself and find the connection to the power that is bigger than me.  I must say it's having a profound effect on my healing and growth.

I've learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  This particular lesson was, and continues to be, difficult as I'm a people pleaser and don't want people to not like me, even those who have hurt me.  In order to maintain my integrity I try to make a point of only standing up for myself and not tearing someone else down in order to do so.

I've learned forgiveness can set you free and give you back your power.  This was a huge game changer for me!  I've never been one to hold hate in my heart but have had occasions when very well meaning friends and family have encouraged me to do so.  I'll admit I tried it on for size for a brief time and felt the power of it but very quickly felt the flip-side.  Hate started to consume me and kept me reliving the very pain I was trying to stop.  Then one Wednesday night I was driving back to Cobourg and my mind was running away with itself as it so often did/does on those long drives and I suddenly had a vision of myself typing, "I forgive you.". Wow!!  Where did that come from???  Whenever I'm confronted with an idea that I'm not sure of I just let it settle and percolate.  I was told by friends that I'd being saying what was done to me was okay and that I'd regret it but the thought persisted and one day I thought, "It's time.".  I will tell you it was one of the single greatest factors that lead to my healing.  It's not about them, you forgive for yourself, not for them.

I have learned to trust my gut.  Anytime in my life when I have not trusted my gut I've regretted it.  And for me it's quite literally my gut.  If I'm following what is good for me my gut is at peace.  It seems that my gut is more evolved than my brain.

I've learned self care sometimes means putting yourself first.  This is hard for so many of us especially when others need and depend on us.  I've learned it's okay to remove yourself from a stressful situation and go home and watch Netflix.

I've learned it's not only okay to say " I'm sorry but no" but that sometimes it's essential for your well-being.  This one still does not come easily, the whole people pleaser thing comes into play here, but I've learned true friends will understand and to my knowledge no one has ever died because I said "no". 

I've learned that I'll never be free of my story of unworthiness until I love all that went into making it.  Since "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." I'm working daily on self discovery and acceptance.  But these past couple of weeks have been testing the strength of the hold those feelings have on me and man, oh man, they are not going away without a fight! I've found myself behaving like a teenager and engaging in self-sabotaging, and quite embarrassing, behaviour.  But it's particularly difficult to feel worthy when the pain is tied to someone who was supposed to love you.  Like so many of you this challenge continues because I've had it with me the longest and we cling to what is familiar even if it causes us pain.

I've learned....








Not one of us can change the experiences that shaped us but each one of us can change how we feel about those experiences.  Many of our experiences were engineered by someone else; they are not ours and they only define us if believe they do.  We may have been shaped by our experiences but we are not our experiences; we are all wonderful beings of love and possibility each with the power to write our own story. 
It's your time now.

Why, oh why?

What is your "why"?  Why did you walk through the workshop door? Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to feel better?  We all know this journey begins, and ends, in the mind, so identifying "why" you want to change a part of your life helps you stay focused and also helps you to refocus when the journey gets blurry. But knowing your "why" does not guarantee you are living your "why".  And here's why: living your "why" requires action, more specifically, action that is in alignment with your "why".

When it comes to actions that line up with our weight loss goals we all know the standard actions: tracking, activity, attending workshops, being kind to yourself, food planning and prep etc.   And we know when we put these actions in place we lose weight and feel better.  But why is it then that time after time I hear, "I'm doing everything I did before when I was losing but now I'm not!?  Why is it that some people can have a setback and the moment they start aligning their actions with their goal the weight comes off again?  As a coach it really pains me when I see members hurting and frustrated because I know what a slippery slope it can be.  I know it because I live on that slope too.

And then last night on the drive home after our workshop, where we talked about bringing our actions into alignment with our goals, it hit me why it works for some people and not for others: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment!

Think about it: when you first walked through the workshop door you already had a feeling the plan would work because it works for a friend, a sister, a co-worker or a neighbour!  So you got excited about it, signed up, started tracking, moving, prepping food, going to your workshop and you lost weight!  Happy, happy, joy, joy...the plan works!!  Week after week you became more confident, feeling lighter in your heart and your knees and hips were singing with joy!  

And then, as in EVERYONE'S journey, life gets busy and/or stressful and perhaps you miss tracking for a few days or you don't have time to prep so a little more fast food creeps in or you're too tired so you skip your daily walk.... for a week.  So then, you're either afraid you've gained weight so you skip your workshop or you decide "to face the music" and weigh in and yup, your weight is up.  And as those feelings of failure leap at the chance to reign again, you resolve to get back to all the actions that helped you lose the weigh in the first place and, yay you, you start tracking, prepping, walking everything....and the weight doesn't come off, and maybe you go up a bit.  You sit in workshop after workshop wondering what it is you're doing wrong?  You think, "Others have had setbacks and they lose the weight once back on Plan, why not me?".  

I've thought the same about my own journey for several years and now I know why: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment! The people who get back on track and get the results still believe that the Plan works....EVERY time!  The feelings they attach to the actions of tracking, food prep, activity are joy, belief, confidence, peacefulness, happiness, satisfaction and well-being....just like they did the first time the Plan worked for them!

So I ask you, what are the feelings you are attaching to your actions?  

-Are your tracking but fearful it won't work or do you love the feeling of security tracking gives you? 

-Are you getting activity in only to lose weight or because it feels good to move your body and calm your mind while making your knees and hips happy?  

-Do you begrudgingly take the time to plan, shop, cook, chop and bag food because it's important or do you happily plan, shop, cook, chop and bag food so you can come home at the end of a stressful day to a delicious and easy meal?

-Do you look forward to your workshops because you enjoy being with your loving tribe or are you scared if you don't go you'll gain more weight?  

-Do you feel nervous in the check-in line no matter what kind of week you've had or do you review the past week without judgment and believe you're not a number?  

-Do you attach shame and fear of judgement to a gain or do you smile and say, unapologetically, life just got in the way last week? 

Where your head goes your body will follow.

  

And finally I cried...

My Dad has been gone for over 2 months now and until last night I had yet to cry more than a few tears.  And because I'm a fixer, I grew tired of "letting the grief happen".  I know grief hits everyone differently and in their own time but I wanted my time now!  Sad movies have made me cry but not about losing Dad and Mom.  I even watched "Fried Green Tomatoes" last weekend and nothing. I looked for "Beaches" but couldn't find it.  I used to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and think of Dad and cry sad/mad/glad tears a lot.

It's funny how the mind works, how it blocks our what may be too difficult for us to handle.  About 15 years ago my son Glenn and I watched "The Notebook" and I cried my eyes out and said to Glenn that if Mom ever got Alzheimer's Dad would be a "Noah".  Little did I know that prediction would come true, in Denbigh style of course, but never the less, he was a "Noah".  So it's odd that in all of my serious efforts to bring on the tears I only thought of "The Notebook" last night.  

I found it on Netflix and settled in for the cry.  As the opening frames of the movie start and I saw mature Allie standing in the window of the nursing home where she now lives and I started to cry immediately, and then sob uncontrollably and then turned the movie off.   I didn't cry because of thoughts of Dad being dead and Mom in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, I cried because the actress playing Allie is to me a dead ringer for the woman my husband left me for and I was shocked at the depth of my pain and the obvious grief that still lingers at losing my marriage.  I wanted tears and very specific I'm-sad-my-Dad-has-died tears!  Not a sneak attack of let's-dredge-up-the-past-one-more-time tears!  Not only that, I scared my cat Stuart who was napping on my lap!

I decided to face it head on and continue watching the movie, after all I'm on a mission and felt I needed to allow whatever emotions might surface to do so.  Since I've seen the movie at least 4 times I decided to skip through it and only watch the parts with elderly Noah and Allie and sure enough when the final scene came I cried and cried. But I didn't cry about losing my Dad and Mom, I cried about losing what I thought I had in my marriage but obviously didn't.  And there they were: the familiar feelings of unworthiness, ever present and ready to surface, leaped at the opportunity to take over. Even so I was surprised as I am in many ways healed from my divorce and my grief acceleration was meant for the loss of my parents. And, yes I can hear my therapist Paula chuckling to think that the words "grief" and "acceleration" could ever be used together.  But she knows me and that I would think it plausible.  I guess it's understandable my grief is over-lapping so I now accept and welcome it all for I know the only way through it, is to go through it. 

I've developed a practice of asking myself "What did I learn from that experience?" and I cannot tell you how many times the answer has been "Because I am not good enough."  In order to move forward I'm being challenged by my grief to examine my entire belief of self.  And not just acknowledge it, I've acknowledged for years that I live in constant fear of not being enough.  I now accept that until I change that belief I will continue to be hurt by the past and by the actions of others.  I will continue feel like a failure when I'm unable to control my eating, when I can't convince myself to get off the couch and go for a walk or when I'm unable to do the very simple things like food prep and tracking my food.

To that end I have decided to quit it all and focus on my physical health by means of focusing on my mental health.  Does that mean I'm quitting WW?  Not for a moment!  Wellness that Works is about more than losing weight and for this WW coach/member it means shifting my focus from what I eat to why and how I eat.  I will listen to my body and eat when it's hungry.  If I want food I believe not to be in it's best interest I will question why I feel the need, for example, to eat the last 3 pieces of cake at once, like I did yesterday?  When I stand at the counter to scarf down my salad I will question why is it that I can't take 5 minutes to sit down and enjoy it?  When I sit on the couch even when I know a nice walk along the beach would elevate my mood, I will ask myself why I don't believe I deserve to feel better?

And, once again I must write, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema Chodron  I guess grief is meant to continue being my teacher.  I have learned this lesson, tears are not the only physical measure of grief, sometimes it's hives. 🙄  I look like I could only afford to get fillers in my top lip and that is not a tumour growing out of my jaw, it's my earlobe.  And yes, I had a WW workshop that morning.  It worked out okay, kinda like a Show and Tell teachable moment wrapped into a comedy bit!

I'm so excited to finally start peeling back the layers and letting the light and love I freely and joyfully give to others help heal my own wounds. I figure if I can see the worthiness in everyone else perhaps I can see it in myself. Does that ring a bell with some of you??  Can you see the worthiness in others but not yourself?  Time to shine your heart-light on yourself!

For the first time in my life I trust in the new habits I've formed and that my letting go will not lead to endless binging. This is not to say there isn't some fear of gaining weight but this I know is absolutely true for me: if I don't get to where I believe I am enough as I am right now, then I will never lose weight anyway.  And, if not now, when?

What do you believe?  Do you believe you are enough?  Enough just as you are now? 

 If you do, Yay You! Please help others by being a shining light of love and compassion!  

If you don't then Yay You too, for you have an opportunity to change your belief! 

And, as always,

 if you believe "I am not enough" please, please allow your

 tribe members to help you change that life-crippling belief to 

"I am enough."

Oh, the courage it takes....

Oh, the courage it takes...

-to get out of bed some days

-to get out of bed and not eat cookies for breakfast

-to look at yourself naked in the mirror

-to not look at yourself naked in the mirror

-to start over yet again

-to walk through the workshop door yet again

-to let the most wounded and vulnerable part of you show

-to talk about your pain to your tribe

-to ask for help

-to summon a kind word about yourself

-to turn towards joy when fear makes you feel more comfortable

-to face your fears without the certainty of success

-to try and find out who you would be without your armour

-to acknowledge to yourself that you matter

-to say "I love you" to your reflection in the mirror

-to put yourself out there and risk possible rejection

-to reject all you've been taught and listen to your heart

-to take charge of your own evolution

-to admit when you're wrong

-to take the leap of faith and forgive

-to feed your soul and not your fear

-to be the first to apologize

-to not worry about what others think of you

-to take responsibility for your own happiness

-to trust you are enough

-to stand up for your beliefs regardless of what others think

-to take yourself out of situations that no longer serve your best interests

-to follow your joy and bliss without guilt

-to sit in the hot mess of grief and pain and allow yourself to feel it

-to release the grief and the pain after you've honoured it

-to let go of toxic relationships

-to be kind when sometimes you just want to slap someone

-to release the need to judge yourself and others

-to show up for yourself when it seems no one else will

-to show up for yourself when it seems everyone else will too

-to walk in the light

-to be the light

-to not be afraid of the dark

-to make peace with the dark

-to believe what you have to say someone else needs to hear

-to allow yourself to heal

-to find the lesson in a painful situation

-to accept life is not always fair

-to make the best of the life that is yours

-to accept all is how it is meant to be

-to embrace change and see it as an opportunity for growth instead of a setback

-to put yourself first

-to put others first when you sometimes really want to put yourself first

-to be honestly happy for someone who has the life you desire

-to see the humanity in everyone

-to see yourself in everyone 

-to take your place among the worthy and know you belong there

What are you grieving? You may be surprised.

As I continue to wind my way through this process called grief I find I'm unable to write about the topics that usually drive me to my laptop, topics like weight loss, motivation, addiction, fear, self esteem, shame, unworthiness, failure...you know the fun stuff that connects us all together!  I'd been thinking that I have nothing to say at this moment that will connect us in the way those topics do but then this morning I realized was wrong, we have grief.

The term grief is always associated with the loss of a loved one because that is the highest and greatest of losses but what about all the other losses we endure?  Are we grieving and not even aware of it?  

What are you grieving?  Could it be...

-the loss of what you thought your life was going to look like by now?

-the loss of the childhood you never had?

-the loss of the person you became when you lost 50, 60 or 70 pounds because you gained some or all of it back?

-the loss of the freedom to do what you want to do because you're looking after someone else?

-the loss of your purpose because you no longer have to look after that person?

-the loss of the ability to dream?

-the loss of the belief that dreams can come true?

-the loss of a body that no longer has the strength to do what it once did?

-the loss of a job you loved or hated?

-the loss of having somewhere to go every day?

-the loss of feeling in control of your life?

-the loss of the you that used to have hope?

-the loss of the idea that you would love finally yourself once you lost the weight?

I could go on and on because the truth is there's the potential to suffer a loss in all areas of our lives. As I read over my off-the-top-of-my-head list I noticed most of the list is made up of the loss of an idea instead of an actual loss, like a job or the loss/use of a body part.  When I think of it much of what I grieve over on a daily basis is an idea: the idea of what I thought my life was going to look like. 

While the things I listed may be lower on the grief scale they still deserve our attention because left unattended the effects of all grief can be accumulative and affect us in ways we don't realize.  In our workshops we often spend time trying to identify the emotions that lead us to over-eat or self-sabotage but all too often we can't put the "why" we're feeling those emotions into words.  Could it be because it's not brought on by an easily identifiable event (like a death) but because we're grieving an idea and not aware of it?

What has you so mired down that you often feel angry, numb, unfocused and unmotivated?  Is it the loss of something tangible or a loved one?  Or is it the loss of an idea?  If it's an idea of who you thought you were going to be and you're not, or what you thought your life was going to look like and it doesn't, allow yourself to grieve the loss. Chances are you've had that idea a very long time so look at it with love and acknowledge the pain of letting a part of yourself go.  Recognize hanging on to the idea no longer serves your highest self, then focus your huge capacity to love and your own bright light on what you do have so you can begin to heal and dream again.  

Even in grief there are gifts.

I've been grieving for a long time.  It started two years ago with the end of my marriage and a life I thought was mine, and now it is the loss of both parents in the space of 2 months to the day.  Mom left our lives on April 15 when she went into long term care with Alzheimer's and Dad died of a broken heart on June 15.  So my brother and I are now left to each answer the question grief insists you ask yourself, "So, now what?"

I think the one lesson we all learn is that there's no fast-pass through grief.  I, of course, learned that the hard way during my divorce thinking I could skips the stages and move quickly into a new life....and no.  We typically associate grief with death but in reality it's the suffering of a loss and every one of us has felt it.  This time I've decided to feel the pain and listen to what it has to say, really I have no choice because it never shuts up!  

The first thing my pain said to me when I was packing to rush to Denbigh to be with my brother was, "What will I wear to the funeral?  I've gained weight again and there'll be so many people who haven't seen me since I left 40 years ago, and why, oh why couldn't I have kept my divorce weight off???  I looked good then!"  So, yes, one of the first things I felt after hearing about my Dad's sudden death was panic and then shame.  Shame that in one of the worst moments in a person's life I worried about looking fat. Still grappling with that one.

Then my pain fed me the line that everything for the funeral needed to be perfect which sent every insecure fiber of my being into overdrive. I convinced myself that I could handle everything on my own and not fall apart.  Still haven't fallen apart yet, so that's not going to be pretty when it happens!  

We decided not to tell Mom about Dad for obvious reasons.  After "seeing" Dad at the hospital I went to visit Mom at the residence.  I searched her ever increasingly vacant eyes and felt a huge wave of sadness and then a huge wave of gratitude; Mom would be spared the pain.  She was shocked that I had come to visit her all on my own, after all I'm only 10.  Grieving the loss of someone who still walks the earth is the grief that never ends and that's what killed Dad.

"After life care" is the gentle term used for the paperwork that has to be done when someone dies.  About a month before he died I was reading Mom's POA, Dad was reading over his Will and said it was good. He then told me that when he died I would have to look after everything.  This is where feelings of anger towards Dad have come up.  For someone who was always, and I mean always, right and dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", how could he have missed that he neglected to remove Mom as his executor! I understand he was grieving and beyond worn out but the extra hoops I now have to jump through from the bank to HydroOne are so frustrating!  And almost every change has to be made in person so that means 7 hours of driving for me.  I feel guilty for feeling frustrated.

I also feel guilty about the few times I put myself first and opted to stay home for a weekend instead of going to Denbigh.  My logical brain tells me that I made those decisions knowing that self-care is important for all care-givers but now all I can think of is one time after spending 2 days with him Dad begged me to stay another night and I didn't. 

And then there's the guilt of feeling resentment. I was just getting my life back and starting to feel on solid ground again and now the ground beneath me feels anything but solid.  Guilt is extremely versatile, it can be served as a main dish but also pairs well with other negative emotions.

And then there's the precursor to all negative emotions: fear.  As I've mentioned in past blogs Dad, like many of his generation, lead a fear driven life and instilled that quite nicely in his children.  He was a Warrior parent, if a crisis hit he was the man you wanted on your side.  He would circle the wagons in an instant and make you feel safe.  Who's going to circle the wagons now?  Apparently I am but where in hell do you get wagons these days??  Costco? Some days I find myself crippled with the fear of inadequacy and must force myself to get out of bed.   Thank you again to my cat Stuart who can be quite insistent.

I just realized a gift this very instant.  As I was writing some of the words above there was a voice in my head that kept whispering,"That's no longer true."  Grief has forced me to question my life long belief that I'm not capable, that if a time came for circling the wagons I would not be up to the task.  The reality is I was the one who circled the wagons around the family when we needed it and Dad knew it.  And he also knew Mom would continue to be encircled for a long as she lives.  I need to revise that part of my story.

Another gift of grief (and writing) is as we are forced to face our feelings it becomes very obvious what we still need to learn.  How glaringly obvious is it that my ancient wound of "not being good enough as I am" has not healed?  But as embarrassed as I am to write down my panicked thoughts about not wanting to look fat at my Dad's funeral, I did it because my desire to heal is stronger than my embarrassment.  

Grief is complicated, unpredictable and insidious.  Because it's tied to every negative and fearful thought we have about ourselves it forces us to question everything we've come to believe.  And that's the gift of grief.  We perhaps don't recognize it as a gift because it's wrapped in pain but it is a gift.  Or maybe it's more like an Escape Room and you can only get out once you've answered all the clues and found the right key to the lock.  Either way, you can be released if you choose it.

Now to answer the question, "So, now what?"  To loosen the grip grief has on me I've adopted a spiritual philosophy which states we can choose to look at all situations through a lens of fear or a lens of love.  I see now that for most of my life I've looked at situations through the lens of fear and have the battle scars to prove it.  But now I choose/try to look at all situations with love and the moment I do I feel a shift in how I feel!  When I feel weighed down I look for the love and feel lighter, feelings of weakness dissolve and strength shows up,  resentment is replaced with compassion, and when I feel overwhelmed and drowning, focusing on the love lifts me out of the current and fills me with peace.  Pretty big gifts, right?

During the past two years I have been so blessed to have shared similar life-altering stories with so many of you and continue to do so. It's like we're all in an Escape Room working together to solve the challenges laid in front of us in order to navigate our way to freedom and we've finally discovered the key......and it's love.

Life is not meant to be white knuckled.

"I walked in hating myself and never addressed that.  I just white knuckled it."

That is part of the comment B. left on our WW FB page after reading my last blog.  I broke down in tears when I read her pain.  In the past weeks her words "I just white knuckled it." have stuck with me, in fact I have used the example of "white knucking" it in my workshops because I know so many of us do exactly that.

With some people it starts right off the get-go because their self loathing is so great they perceive any small weight gain as proof of their unworthiness.  Others start off with a burst of believing they can do it but that belief is tied to their idea of what success looks like and the moment they don't measure up to that idea that fragile belief is shattered, fear sets in and they force themselves into white knuckling mode.  But as we have all no doubt found out white knuckling is not sustainable so we let go and it's then we realize we've not developed the new habits and thoughts which will help us navigate through life's situations. We slide back into old habits, and even older thoughts, this time desperately clawing and grasping to any thing and any idea to prevent more weight from coming back on.  I know this from years of experience, and it is exhausting both mentally and physically.  Not to mention, it doesn't work.

Oh, my wonderful, and often hurting, Tribe members, life is not meant to be white knuckled! But when our motivation to change is only self-hatred I think white knuckling is inevitable because like B. we don't want to address it, we just want to change. I looked up the origin of the term and noticed another term, "White Knuckle Sobriety"...."the practice of desperately holding on to sobriety without working a recovery program....by trying to hang on to sobriety without working toward recovery, they are attempting to treat the symptoms rather than the disease."  Sound about right to you?

So what to do?  When I think of the years and years of effort I've put into trying to fix myself and I still feel unworthy in many ways it makes me so sad to have wasted so much time. And I wonder what would have happened if I had spent that time cultivating self love?  But the reality is that I did what I did and there is no going back and changing it but, good news, every day we wake up is an opportunity to not make that same mistake because "when you know better, do better."  Every day gives us the opportunity to do better by loving ourselves better.

I know many of you have no idea where to start and the thought of releasing the tension on your knuckles fills you with fear, I know the feeling well!  But fear and self hatred are just practices, but you don't think of them that way because you've been doing them for so long they are your way of life.  But we weren't born full of fear and self-hatred, we picked them up in bits and pieces at a very young age and soon that's who we took ourselves to be.  Time to change our story.

How? We're going to start releasing that tension on our knuckles by picking up bits and pieces of self-love and joy!  And, more good news, you're already doing it every time you:
-notice a feeling of self-hatred
-choose to read or watch uplifting messages
- empathize with the pain in others
-choose to do what is right for you regardless of what others think
-desire to live your life in a different head space
-voice your thoughts to others or write them down
-show a kindness to another
-make a conscious effort to live in gratitude
-make the choice to eat a healthy meal
-go for a walk or dance in your living room
-give your attention to what you want instead of what you don't want
-give yourself permission to feel good
-choose to believe when others tell you how wonderful and fabulous you are
-choose not to believe when others, or the voices in your head, tell you that you're not wonderful and fabulous
-join a community of like-minded seekers

And, even more good news: we don't have to white knuckle it to shed the fear and self-hatred, it will begin to fall away on it's own as we shift our attention to picking up those bits and pieces of love and joy!  And I know it works because I am experiencing it in my own life in a huge way and you can too!!  Love and joy is there for everyone, you just have to start letting go so you can pick them up! Yay you!