We're not always who we believe ourselves to be.

During one of my many therapy sessions with Paula she asked me to tell her who I was.  That was easy: I'm 57, I'm a Mother, I'm a daughter, I'm a WW coach, I work at a Theatre, I'm a singer, I'm a traveler, I'm a writer....and Paula just smiled and said, "Those are the roles you play but who are you?".  Well, that turned out to be not so easy, in fact I have been working on that answer for about 8 months.  

Ironically the answer came to me in Costa Rica, where, I might have mentioned a time or 200, I went sleeveless.  As I attempted the impossible, scrubbing cages while keeping my jiggly arm bits still, I thought of Paula's question and was saddened to think one answer is "I am a person who has always believed her self-worth is attached to how she looks."  To be clear, I've known for a long time that I have that opinion of myself, I just never thought it was who I am.  And when I think of it honestly, that belief has been a part of more decisions made in my life than any other driving force.  Whoa! I may have to go back to that later as that idea is not meant to be the focus of this post...but damn that is so sad!

This is where I want to go with this post: I want to rewrite my answers to the question, "Who are you?". 

I am not my jiggly arm bits, I am empathy and compassion feeling the pain of others as if it were my own.

I am not my wide nose, I am the intense desire to see more of the world and get outside my reality.

I am not the hair colour I once had naturally and now manufacture, I am the impatience and  frustration when people won't help themselves. 

I am not the cellulite on my body, I am the tender heart who cries as easily in joy as in sadness.

I am not the face that must be "made-up" before leaving the house, I am the belief that kind words and a sincere smile or hug can change someone's day. 

I am not the straight teeth I inherited from my Dad, I am the insecurity that allows people to treat me badly. 

I am not my chubby knees, I am the pain that was healed and set free through forgiveness.

I am not the woman who still uses makeup and clothes as an illusion, I am the procrastination who is writing this blog instead of doing boring work that pays.

I am not the fake nails I have been wearing since I was 26 in order to make my short fat hands look longer, I am the passion that drives me to help others see their unique beauty and potential.

I am not my sagging skin and stretch marks, I am the extreme joy I feel when a member of my tribe sees what is possible for them.

I am not the well turned out woman with nice hair, I am the need to be liked and validated.

I am not the wrinkles and turkey neck that have materialized, I am the supreme gratitude when surrounded by unconditional love from my tribe.

I am not my self-maligned body, I am the tenacious observer of ego manufactured thoughts on my journey to self-love and acceptance. 

So, now it's your turn. 

Who are you really? 

Who are you when you take the roles you inhabit

 out of the equation?  

Who are you when you take all forms of bodily descriptions

 out of the equation? 

Sleeveless in Costa Rica.

Funny thing happened.  I wrote the post below a week into my trip and for some reason was unable to post it and then I got home and was still unable to post it.  Why, I didn't know.  So I decided to let it be and the why would come to me and it did this morning.  

As I was getting ready for my trip I cleaned off my desk; I always have lots of thoughts written on envelopes laying all over.  As I was going through them seeing what to keep and what to throw away I came across an envelope with the following written on it:

What am I afraid of?

Afraid that I can't do it.

Afraid that I might be too physically uncomfortable.

Afraid that I might be way out of my comfort zone.

Afraid that I would find out the thoughts about myself are indeed true and that I'm not the adventurous person I claim to be.

Afraid I will be the worst volunteer ever.

This is what I wrote a while back when trying to decide whether or not to go volunteer in Costa Rica and as I triumphantly tore the envelope up into little pieces I thought of the many times in my life fear has kept me from doing something outside of my comfort zone.  And that comfort zone usually involved doing a job I had no idea whether or not I could do, so failure might be involved plus the fear of being judged physically by others.  I used to think that if I was totally covered up no one would notice that I was fat.

So when I packed for working in 30 degree heat and humidity I first only packed shirts that had 3/4  length sleeves and it was only a last minute logical thought that made me grab 4 tank tops which I could wear under cotton shirts.

Yesterday was my first day and in a rare moment of who cares, and OMG the humidity, I put on a tank top and went to join the other volunteers and to my surprise not one person commented on my arms. 😏🙄  well I think Dennis, a Capuchin monkey, totally judged me but apparently he judges everyone and at least he didn't throw his feces at me.

Some of you reading this might think how silly my fear is but others will totally understand. In our workshops we talk about the fear that can happen once you have some success or reach goal and people start to give you compliments and you, for perhaps the first time, feel validated. The fear that you cannot maintain your success and hang on to "the you who is successful" and go back to "the you who always fails" is often overwhelming and crippling.  

Fear destroys our joy and our ability to recognize that we are wonderful and fabulous just as we are, right now at this moment and every moment we are lucky enough to be alive.  Plus the real truth of the matter is that others are consumed by their own fears and insecurities and have little or no thought about us.

I believe every experience is given to us to teach us a lesson. So here's what I'm learning in Costa Rica:

- I can keep up with 20 year olds

- I have no desire to keep up with 20 year olds

- I was challenged physically and this body I talk smack about did not let me down

- when I go outside of my comfort zone life opens up all sorts of possibilities

- it's not the poisonous snakes that will kill you, it's the poisonous thoughts

- I can make it on my own, I will never again believe I am not capable

- unlike other trips where I did not want to return to my life, I am excited to return home and write my next chapter

- it was less fearful to run off of a mountain top than to wear a tank top

- I went sleeveless and ran off a mountain top and neither killed me

This morning I realized why I was afraid to post this blog: fear that once I put it out there that I was brave enough to face my flabby-arm-fear that I would have to be that brave and fearless person forever and that's a lot of pressure.  Baby steps for now.

So will I be sleeveless in Cobourg this summer?  I really don't know. That would mean being sleeveless in front of people I know and as soon as I think of that I can feel the fear rising.  But 2019 is a year of evolution for me so who knows, it could happen.  But if it doesn't that's okay too because for one brief shining moment I went sleeveless in Costa Rica!

"Now that she had nothing left to lose, she was free." Paulo Coelho

Costa Rica is giving me so much more than I expected and quite frankly wanted.  I expected to have my eyes opened not only to nature but to human nature and I certainly have had the opportunity to see the goodness in my species from the many people who give their time here on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.  I’m getting the same warm connected feeling that I get with my WW tribe where you can bond with people almost immediately through shared experiences.

What I didn’t expect was an emotional uprising within and it’s been a bit traumatic, especially since my therapist Paula is a million miles away! I truly believe we get what we need when we need it, but not necessarily when we want it and I guess the universe has deemed it time for my next life lesson.

My plan for this vacation was to just get away and give myself over to the possibilities available to me and feel renewed.  And while that is certainly happening on the volunteer level and the pure glowing joy I am receiving from the animals is filling my bucket daily, something else is going on and I can’t seem to stop it.  It’s almost exactly 2 years to the day since my husband left me (for a woman he knew all of 3 weeks) and it seems that there are feelings that were left on the back burner and are now boiling over.  And of course they come to a boil in the middle of the night when my defences are down and my aching muscles are keeping me awake!

This is the thought that keeps getting stuck in the pit of my stomach: he has someone else and has moved on.  So I question: That has been true for 2 years, so why has it come back to haunt me again now?  Why is the pain starting to surface again?  What am I meant to learn from this?

The root of all questioning for me: What is my biggest fear? That’s easy, that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  The person who told me I was the love of his life left me after 17 years with no explanation so it’s a very real fear. And to be clear, that statement is simply my truth of the situation and not meant to demonize my ex-husband.  I too have done things that have hurt others, it's part of the human experience.

And now that fear has a part 2: what if I am NEVER free of that feeling?  Now that's a scary thought! Here’s what I've learned: My fear is holding me hostage.  I now truly understand the Roosevelt quote "There is nothing to fear but fear itself."   I will  never be free to be happy and at peace if I continue to fear what has yet to happen and hang on to what might have been instead of surrendering to what is.

The new challenge in my personal evolution: accept that I now have nothing left to lose and allow myself to be free. Free from the fear of being alone, free from personal judgement, free from clinging to the past, free from the mental restraints that have kept me from walking into the absolutely glorious future that is mine.

But how do I do that? I must be aware of the restraints my thoughts are placing on me and consciously return my attention to what is possible for me.  This is what I know for sure: living in the past will hold me hostage but living, and more importantly believing, in possibility will set me free.

What thoughts are holding you hostage?  How could accepting and surrendering to what is set you free? How could living in possibility set you free?  What have you got to lose?

No more crumbs!

As part of my endeavor to evolve into my best self, I have decided to not accept any more crumbs.

There is a person who was in my life and for the past 2 years has thrown me crumbs of attention and validation.  And like the absolutely insecure person I am/was?? I lapped them up and was so grateful.  My gut was telling me otherwise but I didn't listen.  And never once did I think "What?? Are you freakin' kidding me??"  I guess I felt that was all I deserved so was grateful to get any little bit.

Just before Christmas there were crumbs coming my way and I was happy and then they stopped coming.  My stomach was tied in knots and my negative thoughts took over.  On Dec. 21st I remember sitting waiting for my turn for an oil change and I thought I was going to be sick.  It was a very familiar sick feeling that this person had caused before and I couldn't believe I had fallen for it again.

That night I went to bed and was once again plagued with tortuous dreams and when I woke up I had one thought, "No more crumbs!"  I got up, turned on the coffee, found a large post-it and put that on my fridge to remind me that I am worth more than the measly crumbs being tossed my way from this person or anyone else!  Of course I realized my part in my suffering: I allowed and accepted the crumbs and told myself that was enough.  I guess I needed to learn that lesson in order to evolve.  Evolving comes through a series of lessons and some of them are painful.  

What about you?  Who tosses you crumbs of attention, affection, validation, praise, love, or acknowledgement that you lap up and are grateful for not even realizing you deserve so much more?  Crumbs that if they don't come your way cause you to suffer and feel crushed?  Crumbs that are sometimes given and taken away just as fast?  If this is you too, time to say NO MORE CRUMBS! 

Time to start loving, praising and acknowledging yourself and then if a crumb is tossed your way it has no power over you because you are already full.  You can choose to accept it or brush it off onto the floor.

"Settling for crumbs doesn't keep you fed, 

it keeps you starving."

Unknown

My "why" is "Haven't you suffered enough?"

Nothing is ever simple with me and my "why" is no exception.  I believe that may be the case for many of you too.

There is someone in my life who has caused me great pain and suffering, no actually there are two people and one of them is me.  While it is true he brought me to the brink of collapse, it is also true by not accepting my situation I continue my suffering every day.

I was listening to Oprah's Super Soul podcast with Eckhart Tolle last week while driving and they were discussing how all pain and suffering is caused by our resistance to accepting reality. I knew immediately what I'm resisting but it wasn't until Oprah asked Eckhart why some of us resist acceptance and he said perhaps it is because we haven't suffered enough yet.  What??

I started crying right then and there driving down the 401. By refusing to accept my present situation, no matter how I got here or why it happened, it is me and me alone who is creating my suffering over and over again, day after day....me and no one else! That was a lot to take in, plus I had to concentrate on seeing through my tears to get home, so I dismissed the thought.

That night I tossed and turned, as I usually do when I can't quite wrap my mind around something.  It's an annoying but usually necessary exercise my mind must perform in order to simplify the always hectic collision of emotions and thoughts that rule my being.  As usual I had dreams filled with past pain which I continue to bring into my present but this time when I woke up I had one sentence in my head, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  Yes, I do believe I have.

I would love to say that by merely realizing that I am the cause of my continued suffering that I suffer no more but that's not the case.  Resistance is a Ninja that moves in and through our thoughts placing up emotional road blocks and brick walls and we're not even aware it's happening.  Road blocks like going over and over a situation in our mind and wishing it was different.  And brick walls like believing if we had been better or different none of this would have happened.  But it's not different, and it did happen, and only by accepting that reality can our suffering be lifted. And because acceptance does not come naturally to us we must practice.  So now every time I have a painful thought I ask myself, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  

This is the long way around to my "why" but in my quest to evolve into my best self I have to learn to stop being the cause of my own suffering.  And I bring it about in so many ways! My best self will never emerge if I continue to resist accepting that my thoughts and feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness and imperfection are not true!  Only then will my suffering truly end and that is "why" I must continue to question, "Haven't you suffered enough?".  Yes, I do believe I have.

So, haven't you suffered enough? Yes?? Then question yourself:  How do you bring about your own suffering?  Do you wish things were different than they are?  Do you resist accepting what you need to do in order to evolve into your best self?  Lose weight?  Maintain your weight? Get healthier?  Do you resist accepting that in order to lose weight you have to track your food, move your butt and shift your less-than-self-compassionate mind-set?  

What is your "why"?  If it's anything like mine it's multi-layered and painful to accept but acceptance can bring you peace and end your suffering.  Question your resistance and let your "why" lead the way.

Evolution not resolution!

 After a season of being merry and bright, many of us now feel bloated and blue!  I've talked with many WW members in the past week and we already feel our very sincere New Year's resolution to get right back on track waning.  But let's not forget when we likely made that resolution: either just before we were about to stretch the meaning of over-indulgence to the max "just one more time" OR the morning after when we felt sick with a nasty combination of shame, sugar and salt. 

I don't believe I have ever once stuck to a New Year's resolution so wisdom this year told me to not torture myself with the notion.  So I have decided this will be a year of evolution not resolution! Just as stating a possibility rather than a hard core goal has allowed me to gently work toward my objectives without the fear of failure I believe seeing my food journey as part of my evolution into my best self will also help release me from that same fear. 

For me "evolution: the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form" , sounds much more inviting than "resolution: a firm decision to do or not do something."  And the idea of embracing the complexities of my emotional and physical relationship with food while learning to understand them rather than resolving to banish them does not raise a hint of fear of failing in me.  In fact it's very freeing.

And when I think back to my time with WW evolving is exactly what I've been doing.  That's not to say evolution is without challenges.  But synonyms like development, advancement, growth, rise, progress and expansion encourage us to acknowledge and build on what we've already accomplished and that feels good and brings on the joy!  And if something bring us joy we want to do it more.  Right?

So what about you?  Ready to evolve into your best self?  I have witnessed the evolution of so many of you, sometimes even when you yourself are not aware you are!  Every time you make a decision that is in your own best interest you are taking another step in your evolution. Remember, all the seemingly small healthy choices you make add up, they really do!

Is 2019 the year you will choose to lovingly help yourself 
evolve into your best self?

I hope so because each and everyone of us deserves the joy being our best selves will bring!

It may not seem like it but we've been given an opportunity.

When it comes to staying on our Plan this time of year it's difficult for even the most "successful" of us.  Holiday food is filled with sugar, flour, nuts, butter, chocolate, love, loneliness, anger, sadness, fear, guilt, pain, and shame.  With such a high voltage ingredient list is it any wonder we feel so drained and powerless when it comes to food?

So this holiday season I suggest we give ourselves the gift of opportunity.  Let's use our falls off of the wagon as an opportunity to get to know ourselves better.  Every time we look to feed an emotion rather than physical hunger let's ask questions like:

Why do I feel the need to eat right now? 

I'm not hungry so what am I trying to feed?

What just happened that triggered this feeling?

Has this food done for me what I had hoped it would?

When has food ever made the pain go away? 

A sad situation happy?  

Banish loneliness?

So let's get curious about who we are when we feel the need to medicate with food.  Let's begin to peel back the layers of our hungers and examine the emotions lying beneath them. Let's shine light, understanding and self-compassion on them. Let's not bury them with food but examine them, feel them and lovingly accept them as part of our story.  I don't think we can banish them but I do believe if we accept them their power over us will diminish. 

And please know this: when you examine and feel, and yes hurt, you are changing! When you question your emotional hunger it means you are changing and no longer willing to sit in your pain but choose to step into joy!

Is that true?

When it comes to weight loss, and life in general, we are all have a pre-existing condition.

We're always told to check with your doctor before starting any new health regiment to see if any pre-existing conditions need to be taken into account such as diabetes, heart conditions, high blood pressure, pregnancy etc. It dawned on me the other day we're never asked about the stories we carrying around inside of us.  The stories that will have as much effect on our life (weight loss journey) as any physical condition; they are a pre-existing condition.  Because who we think we are and what we believe about ourselves affects everything we do in life including why we eat and how we eat. 

We need to take these stories into account because much of the relationship we now have with food was shaped by them.  The pain we feel that causes us to reach for food for comfort is directly related to what we believe about ourselves and that belief for many of us was created a long time ago.  

What do you believe about yourself?  I was struck by the heartfelt sharing by a member a few weeks back.  She was in pain about cruel remarks made by a co-worker about her weight, remarks that made her feel unworthy and even incapable of doing her job.  It dawned on me that her pain was caused not only by what her co-worker said but because she BELIEVED what her co-worker said was TRUE!  And she believed it because of the story of who she believes herself to be.  

My pre-existing condition (story) is one of fear.  I've mentioned before my feelings of unworthiness and being less than enough. I was/am always afraid I won't measure up, afraid that I'm not capable.  And these past two years have made me afraid I'm the reason I am alone and that I will always be alone.*  These are the thoughts I believe, and if I believe them, then they must be true.  Right???  

Wrong!  As humans we start developing ideas (our stories) of who we are from the moment we're capable of cognitive thought.  These ideas are then validated or refuted by the adults in our lives.  And that is when our story about who we are can shift in one of two directions.  If we are validated and nourished then our story becomes one of personal strength, growth and infinite possibility, so the world is ours.  But if our tiny spirits are ignored, dampened and invalidated then our story becomes one of never measuring up,  never feeling capable and diminished possibility, so the world is beyond us.  This is not to blame the adults in our lives but to help us understand how our stories were shaped. Most of them simply passed on the stories they believed to be true about themselves.  We all come from a long line of stories.

So, how do we change our story?  How do we change deep seeded beliefs about ourselves?  First we notice the thought and then by asking one simple question:  is that true?  I've used this question** many times over the past 2 years.  Every time I believed the thought I couldn't do something because I was afraid, not capable or strong enough I'd ask myself, "is that true?"  And the answer was usually no, it was not true.  I was/am strong and capable and quite fearless at times!  But if the answer was true, that I was not strong enough or capable to handle something, I WAS smart enough, and strong enough, to ask for help. 

To change our story we need to believe the facts, not the thoughts. So when your long standing story leads you to:

-believe you are not capable of not eating your way through a stressful situation; is that true? 

-believe the cruel remarks of others because you're not worthy so they must be right; is that true? 

-believe you are lazy and not capable of achieving anything; is that true?

-believe you don't deserve to be happy and live in joy; is that true?

-believe you are afraid of everything; is that true?

-believe you are not smart enough so your opinion is not valid; is that true?

-believe no one would ever love you if they really knew you; is that true?

-believe your happiness does not matter; is that true?

How will we know if a new belief is true?  There are no mistakes in nature, you are not a mistake.  We were all born with the ability for grace, joy and potential.  If a new belief opens the door to a moment of grace, allows you to get a glimmer of joy or a fleeting feeling of your own potential, then it is true.  If you keep thinking the old belief is true that means it's really dug it's heels in and may need a crowbar to pry it loose.  The question is the crowbar, keep asking it!

Everybody has got a story and here's the great thing about our story, it's ours!!  And we are the author.  Brene Brown said in her book "Rising Strong" and I'm para-phrasing, "We can either be a character in our life story, or we can be the author."  Be the author.

You can stop living the story someone else wrote for you and write your own story.  A story where who you are right now is deserving of love, joy, happiness, success and endless possibility!  Is that true?  If you believe it to be true, then it will be true.  And that is a fact.

May we all realize we are the adult in someone's life and it is in our power to help shape, or reshape, someone else's story. So let's validate, nourish, accept and cherish each other.  

*I put this line in, then took it out, then put it back in again, because I realized it was not true.

**Byron Katie, "Loving What Is."( **one of Bryon Katie's 4 questions, google it)

"Happiness is an inside job." William Arthur Ward

We're always saying, "I just want to be happy".  But what is happiness?  The dictionary defines it as a "state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy".  Contentment to intense joy?  Well, that's quite a leap! Between contentment and intense joy there are a whole host of amazing emotional states in which to live.  So why does it feel that happiness is always just out of reach?  We see it in others and yet it eludes us.  We have glimpses and rare moments but then it's gone.
  
Of course, when we feel unhappiness we can sit and stew in those juices all day!! Yup, guilty!  Don't we know as we stew away we're feeding the very feelings we hope to avoid? How?  Every time we wish something was different than it is we push happiness away and draw unhappiness closer.  Every time we relive the past we starve happiness and feed unhappiness.  Every time we think happiness will come once we're "fixed" we give unhappiness yet another foothold in our hearts.

Happiness eludes us because we don't nourish it and feed it when we Do feel it.  We don't enjoy it, revel in it or expect it. But most of all it eludes us because don't look for happiness where it lives, in everyday moments.  Every single solitary moment of each and every day presents us with a choice, the choice to find and feed the happiness and joy that particular moment has to offer or live yet another day of moments and never notice the possibility of happiness they might hold for us.

When I was little apparently I was a very dramatic child.  My Mother always told me I was " either flying high or in the depths of despair".  Seems about right.  She used to tell me that to be happy I had to "make the best of every moment and then I would have the very best that moment could give me."   At 6 years old I had no idea what she was talking about.

But now I get it.  The engineer of my happiness is me and I don't have to go looking for it.  It's an inside job that only requires that I pay attention to the bits and pieces of happiness and joy in my daily moments, feed them with my love and gratitude and then watch them flourish.

"Never underestimate the inclination to bolt." Pema Chodron

I've never though of myself as someone who bolts. In fact, I've always said my super power is that I never give up.  I now realize that is not true, I have been bolting my whole life.  When I was a child and hurting, I bolted from the pain using food and making up new stories in my brain.  I bolted from myself by creating a different world than the one in which I lived. I bolted from my present by dreaming about the future.  And then when I got to that future I bolted to the story of my next future.  You know, the future with no pain?  Sound familiar?

In "Women, Food and God" Geneen Roth writes, "if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard.  We don't want to notice what is going on.  Compulsive eating is a way we distance ourselves from the way things are when they are not how we want them to be."  Well, damn, ain't that the truth?  Think about it.  Every time we eat compulsively we are stepping out of our lives, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for hours, sometimes for years.

Just the other day I realized I was, no am, a bolter . (I just now realized as I wrote that last sentence that I only bolt on myself...I never bolt on other people, I don't give up on them, just me.  Sigh...that's a whole other blog topic.)  Back to my realization:  I know I'm a compulsive eater so after listening to Roth's book I decided to start listening to my body, noticing when I was truly hungry, when I just needed to eat a Butter Tart and notice the feelings that preceded the need for Tarts, notice how I felt after the devouring of said Tarts.  I was so proud of myself, "Yay me, this time I got it!".

And I did have it, until one morning as I was getting into the shower I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and the inclination to bolt took over.  My listening to my body had not resulted in weigh loss, panic set in and it was time to bolt! To bolt back to what I knew best: control and deprivation.  This time it would be different I thought, this time I will not succumb to Butter Tarts when I get upset, this time I will get it right, this time I will be perfect.  And that's when Pema's quote ran through my head and I realized I am someone who bolts on herself.  The shower is a good place for the tears that can come with realization.

So I got out of the shower and went for my walk, which meant I would be running late and have to shower again but I had no choice.  I needed to generate thoughts that would over-ride my thoughts to bolt. No, what I needed was to stop thinking and just allow myself to feel.  And what I felt was fear,  (of course, right??) fear of letting go of control and deprivation for they had never let me down, never ever failed me.  But is that true, I asked, is that really true?  Is it true that control and deprivation have never failed me?  If it were true, then I would never ever have given in to Butter Tarts.  I would never ever have had the need to eat a can Betty Crocker icing, eat an entire pan of Almond Rocca, an entire box of Turtles.  Is it true that if I bolt back, yet again, to deprivation and control they will, AGAIN, fail me?  Yes, it is true.  I stopped walking, went home, had another shower and went to work.

Is this you?  Have you ever left yourself when life got too hard, bolted?  Have you ever medicated with food? Or any other substance?  I have seen and heard many WW members say the plan is not working and they want to quit which means they would rather bolt back to what is familiar, painful though it may be, than face that things are not what they'd like them to be.  Is it time to stay?  Stay with yourself and notice what is really going on?

I'd like to end this with an absolute declaration that my days of bolting and leaving myself are over but I can't.  For much of my 57 years I've felt the need to fix myself with control and deprivation, it's going to take time to finally realize I don't need fixing because I'm not, and never have been, broken. And by the way, neither are you.