Don’t look for ways to prove to yourself that you’re not doing well because your brain will happily supply them!

Do you ever notice when your thoughts start to go in one direction, thoughts of the same nature start to flood your brain?  Especially negative thoughts?  I found this online so it must be true: “In general, people have negative thoughts because they suffer and because they have fears. Humans, unlike animals, can extrapolate from their present circumstances and believe that they can predict the future. When things are going well, the future looks bright, when they are not, it looks dark.”  I would say after talking with so many of you through our workshops, and privately, that statement rings true for you, it certainly does for me.

What if we think of our brain as a search engine that houses all the thoughts and memories we have created in our lifetime and that every time we have a thought it’s like telling the brain to find more supporting “facts” for that thought?  Our brain doesn’t distinguish between positive or negative thoughts, not it’s job, so if you think you’re not doing well in your WW plan right now, your brain will provide all sorts of past thoughts and memories to prove what you’re thinking is true!  Now, as I’ve said before I am not a doctor (but still desperately want to play one on TV) however I’ve lived in my brain for a long time and I’ve observed the search engine that is my brain in action many times, so I know this is true for me.

You know the ads that pop up the side on your Facebook page or in online articles you click on?  How ads for shoes, dresses, linens, wall art, that you love, show up even though you are not looking? Everything you search for on the internet is stored so the next time you make a similar search you are instantly offered sites that support that search.  I picture  my brain working the same way; when I think I’m failing because I’m not getting enough exercise my brain instantly downloads thoughts to support that argument:  how hard can it be to go for a walk every day lots of others do it, lots of easy online workout classes and plenty of time to do them, I’m not disciplined enough to do wall push-ups that’s why my arms are so flabby and the fat still hangs over my bra because I’m too lazy to join the plank challenge….one thought after another proving my actual thought: I’m failing again because I’m lacking in one way or another. Does this sound familiar?  The real problem isn’t whether or not we’re lazy or undisciplined, the real problem is that we believe it to be true. And why do we believe it to be true? Because our brain supplies the “facts” which support that argument.  And round and round we go.

For the past few years in WW we’ve been working on changing our mindset, I think it’s safe to say we all now accept that is a mind-game.  So, we work on thinking positively, we post positive quotes and we have moments of genuinely believing we’re on the right track this time, but somehow, we often find ourselves back on the familiar negative merry-go-round. Why? Because if you could search the cache of your brain, for every 1 positive thought you have, you could have 200 negative ones; which ones do you think your brain is going to present to you first?  When you google something do you go to page 5 or 12, or do you only look at the first page of sites?

 

The good news?  We are not our thoughts, we are the observer of our thoughts and we are in charge of what we tell our brains to search for; I hardly ever see pops of animal print clothes or red boots on my Facebook page anymore.  Why?  I stopped searching for them and Google stopped sending them to me.  

“The goal is to be the observer of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you.”  

Deepak Chopra

If it wasn’t for COVID-19 everything in my life would be fine.

If it wasn’t for COVID-19  I wouldn’t be sad, lonely, depressed and over-eating.  I’d be sleeping well and not over-thinking everything.  I wouldn’t have to worry about things I can’t control because I’d be able to control them.  I wouldn’t be afraid to try something new just in case it didn’t work out. Yup, none of that is true.

Everything I feel, and every reaction I have to those feelings, is the same as it was the days, weeks, months and years before COVID-19. That revelation is an eyeopener for me.  Since we are creatures of habit, does that perhaps mean how I’m feeling right now was not created by the COVID-19 situation? And because I’m not able to distract myself in the usual ways, has this allowed a light to shine on the thoughts and emotions I have become very adept at keeping in the dark?  Were my past distractions merely allowing me to avoid dealing with some lifelong issues?  Me thinks yes.

Distraction for many of us is an important, and sometimes life saving, coping mechanism we learned very early in life. And not that there’s anything wrong with distraction but if it keeps us from dealing with our issues or problems then all we’re doing is postponing their eventual uprising: “what we resist, will persist.”

 

I’ve found in the past weeks as long as I’ve kept busy doing something that validates me (like WW workshops, WW Voice Chat and writing) I feel fine, but the moment I stop working the sadness and depression takes over. And it’s not like I didn’t know this about myself before, I did, but before, I could set my other forms of distraction into motion: travel, looking after my parents, visiting my son or going out with friends. Each activity was enough to sustain the sense of validation until it was time to do the next one.

Living life in a manner that, until now, was inconceivable to us will understandably bring situational related feelings of fear, loneliness and anxiety. But now that I’ve adjusted to the day to day COVID-19 life, I’m still “down”.  I find myself rehashing past events, things I thought I’d come to terms with, but obviously hadn’t, are finding themselves unblocked by my go-to distractions so are taking center stage. It’s not fun, but I guess it’s necessary.  Time to let them speak.

I’m fond of asking my WW members, “What have you learned about yourself on this journey?” because I think that’s how we can see where we’ve changed and where we might still be stuck.  I have definitely learned where I am still stuck, and no surprise, it continues to be my sense of worthiness. This is so embarrassing but I remember feeling shocked 2 months ago at my degree of vanity/insecurity; while most people were stockpiling food, disinfectant and toilet paper, I was stockpiling 5 years worth of hair, makeup and nail supplies!!  Sadly, and pathetically really, the only part of that last sentence that isn’t true is the 5 years part, I only have enough for 1.  So, what do I really think?  That the only reason my friends and family love me is because I’m well groomed? Would I connect less with my WW peeps if I was not able to maintain full hair and makeup?

What I’m feeling as I sit in my car writing and watching people go walking on the beach, most of the women with at least 2 months of regrowth, is wonder.  I wonder what they have learned over their years of living that I have not.  It’s not that they don’t care about their appearance, obviously they do, but for some reason they’re not defined by it. I wonder what that feels like.  I’m wondering if I’ll have the nerve to post this piece.

What have you learned about yourself these past few months?  Are you plagued by the same fears and thoughts that ran through your head before COVID-19?  Is the lack of your particular distractions allowing old wounds and fears to rise up?

Here's what I’ve learned in the past 2 months of my journey: once my needs for food and safety were met, and my many practiced distractions were gone, the same old gremlins I’ve been alternately dealing with and supressing my whole life have surfaced and have taken over the asylum. Maybe being forced to let them come out into the light will be a good thing. Maybe I will never be rid of them but perhaps I can finally learn to accept they are part of who I am and it’s okay.  Maybe once they feel heard they won’t feel the need to be so loud.  That would be nice.

And, all the moment another feeling that keeps welling up is gratitude.  No matter how down I’m feeling I can always find something to feel grateful about. For instance, right now I’m so grateful I was a hairstylist a hundred years ago.  Ah, vanity, she has certainly done me in at times but right now I thank her because in difficult times she has forced me to get out of my pyjamas and do full hair and makeup!

 

Time to dust off your superpower!

Just 2 hours ago I was getting my recycling ready to take out and I came across several empty feminine hygiene boxes and was instantly taken back to late January, (this would be a great spot to stop writing and let you wonder.…what??) when I was sitting by myself on a beach in Cuba surrounded by couples, feeling sorry for myself.  It had never dawned on me, because I never go to resorts, that they would be filled with couples, happy, drinking and frolicking couples.  And to put it mildly, it did a number on my head. Somewhere I have a story written about “I think I just put myself into 2 weeks of in-depth therapy”.  So needless to say I survived, but not until I unleashed my superpower: I never give up. I started writing every day, booked a couple of multi-day excursions around the island and left the resort almost every day to go explore and yes, drank a tad more vodka.  I made the best of it, all the while thinking, “Oh boo-hoo you, you’re in Cuba, by yourself, get over it, it could be worse!”  That was the memory I had this morning, and it made me laugh…because things are definitely worse.  And the lady products??  I’d heard women have a hard time finding them so I took a small duffle bag crammed full of them…I was so hoping I would get asked at security so I could say, “Yup, menopause is a B@!#h”, but no such luck.

Remember all the times you moaned and groaned about how hard staying on Plan was?  Of course you do, we ALL did it! After a setback, perhaps you gave yourself a talking to, reminded yourself that working to change your lifestyle isn’t a straight line and doesn’t happen overnight, and perhaps you even said, “it was only a wee slide, cheer up, it could have been worse!”  And as the saying continues, “so I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse!”.  Time to dust off your superpower, or if you don’t know what your superpower is, time to find out and let it emerge!

Everyone has a superpower….EVERYONE!!! And it must be true because I wrote it in capitols.  My superpower is that I never give up.  Throughout my life, no matter the set-back, I never gave up.  And I’m not giving up now.  Even though I have hard days and I tell myself to put your big girl panties on, but they laugh and say not today, I’m not giving up.  Sure, yesterday I ate enough raw oatmeal, soaked in Vanilla Protein shakes, to sink Molly Brown, but I’m not giving up. This morning I was back to my usual breakfast and hopefully in a couple of days I will not look like I swallowed a bowling ball. I’m not giving up.

What is your superpower? What personality trait takes charge when you’re at the end of your rope but it’s up to you to get things done? What traits comes out when someone else is in trouble and they need you?  Are you a master planner and your freezer is full of plan friendly food?  Are you always trying new recipes or activities?  Able to look at the big picture and focus on the small steps?  Do you journal and work to leave your stress on the page?  These are superpowers!

Everyone has a superpower, how do I know?  Because I hear you what you are saying, and I see what you are doing! I know you have a superpower even if you don’t.

The reality is Covid-19 has become a part of our WW journey, whether we accept it or not.

I usually write these posts when I’m inspired to share an idea I think might inspire others too.  I hear or read something that clicks and I start my writing process: for several days I write thoughts on used envelopes, on the back of grocery lists, receipts and occasionally in the middle of the night, on an empty toilet paper roll…with an eye brow pencil.  Last week during our WW workshop we talked about feeling out of control living life as we know it today and the word “acceptance” kept coming into my head.  And then, as it always does, life starts to bring images and quotes about whatever I’m focusing on into my view.

“Accept – then act.  Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.  Always work with it, not against it.  Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.  This will miraculously transform your whole life.”  “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have.”      Eckhart Tolle

Last Monday was to be the day I started taking my thoughts off the bits and pieces of paper and formulate one single, hopefully coherent, message. But Easter weekend was not great for me: I was alone, I talked with family members who live in Las Vegas, scary enough at the best of times but now very scary, I facetimed with my son who is well but whom I’m unable to hug and also with a childhood friend who was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 2 weeks ago.  And then, of course, there were the 6-foot-fear-driven conversations with people on my walks that lodged themselves into my already overactive brain. Sunday night my dreams were full of fear, worry and hot flash-producing anxiety.  So Monday I did everything to avoid writing.  I even resorted to cleaning and cooking which at least made me laugh. It made me laugh because I was doing an exceptionally good job of not accepting my present situation. I was refusing to accept what is.

I’ve been doing that with my WW plan too.  By not accepting the way it is now, I’ve been unconsciously putting myself, my plan and my life on hold until “things got back to normal.”  And that made me wonder if any of you, my wonderful WW peeps might doing the same?  Are you refusing to accept what you can’t control and putting your WW plan on hold? I know we all can’t wait to be together in our studio’s again but we are SO lucky to have our virtual workshops! One thing remains the same: just like our in-studio workshops, the virtual workshops will be what you choose to make of them. As WW members we have always known in order to be successful in reaching our weight loss and wellness goals we’ve had to accept what needed to be done, and when we went one step further and EMBRACED what needed to be done we were not only more successful but we were joyful along the way.  Even during this difficult time members are continuing to have success and that means those members are accepting what they need to do in order to be successful.  They accept they need to track, get some activity in, prep plan friendly meals, nourish their positive mindset and connect in whatever way they can. They understand that success not only comes from purposefully accepting what they need to do but also from lovingly accepting that they might not be able to do it every day.

I believe if we want to control what we put into our mouths, we must control what we put into our heads first. Once we accept, and embrace, what we need to do and focus on what we can control, life has a chance to become easier and more peaceful.  

“Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?”

“Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?”

That is what one of the many voices in my head said last Friday. It was my Birthday and after coaching my first Friday virtual workshop I was so stoked and thought there was no better way to have celebrated the day! Well, that and I’d also been pondering what indulges I’d have for dinner. Then my dear friend, who is also my hair stylist, messaged to say it was her last day in her shop so I did what any friend would do, I begged her to squeeze me in! Later that afternoon, freshly de-shaggyed and nicely coiffed, I happily decided Pizza and Cheesecake would be my dinner. I’ve been struggling with feelings of “Oh, to heck with it” when it came to following my Plan right now and the excuse of having my Birthday dinner alone was perfect! So I stopped at Almost Perfect and got a 10” thin crust gourmet pizza and a package of 4 single serving sized Vanilla Bean Crème Brulee Cheesecakes. And I had every intention of eating it all.

When I got home, I put the pizza in the oven, poured a glass of wine and got comfy. When the buzzer dinged, I put the entire pizza on my very large plate and went to sit down in front of my paused episode of “Vikings”. Quite a while ago eating without TV distraction became a habit so it was no problem to settle in and enjoy my pizza. But then I got up and put 2 of the 4 pieces in the freezer. The pizza was absolutely delicious and after I enjoyed every bite I resumed watching good looking men chop each other up. Then it was time for dessert!! I had defrosted all 4 cakes since they were the size of a hockey puck and knew one would not be enough. I put one on a small plate and had a deep conversation with it. A few bites in I knew I would be going to bed later very full of cheesecake, it was SO good! SO good!

But then something happened. My belly told me I was satisfied, and my brain told me if I really wanted another one I could have it but why feel stuffed when feeling satisfied was enough? So, I got up and wrapped the remaining 3 pieces of cheesecake and put them in the freezer as well. I have never done that before and that’s when the voice said “Who are you and what has WW done to Joanne?” WW has helped me change not only my dysfunctional relationship with food but with self esteem and with body issues. Am I perfect in my decisions every day? Nope, because perfection is an illusion and therefore unattainable. But I have changed and continue to change. And so have you. Every time you make a decision that moves you towards your ultimate goals, know you made that decision because you have changed! And even when we make decisions not in the best interest of our goals we are still changing because now we understand why we made that decision, and we get back on track and try to make a better decision the next time. Change happens in baby steps, not leaps and bounds.

Right now we are all being forced to change and it can be scary. But I believe when this is all said and done many of the changes we’ve had to make will have served to move us towards those ultimate goals. Before WW I would have been the woman with a grocery cart full of Betty Crocker Icing and now I’m the woman with fruits, veggies, chicken and occasionally a Pizza and Cheesecake…now THAT is change!

Just a few things we can do right now.

Yesterday I crushed an entire box of WW Tortilla Sea Salt Chips (yes 5 bags) and mixed them with a whole can of tuna and a not so small dollop of mayo. I wish I could say I was stress eating just because of current events but the fact is my stress eating triggers can be set off from something as insignificant, and vain, as my hair “not going right”. But yesterday was not my hair, not my weight, not grief, not work, yesterday was fear. And as much as I try to be logical about COIVD-19, it’s scary. But I’m not overly scared about contracting the virus, my fear stems from how quickly we can lose our humanity. That’s truly scary and it’s a fear that’s new to many of us here in Canada. What is not new to most of us is how we deal with stress; we self medicate with food.

So what can we do? This is what we can do:

-Stay connected with your Tribes. As much as it can be argued excessive social media is destroying true human connection now is the time to use it. Ignore the fear mongering garbage and write encouraging posts to your family and friends. Or call a neighbour and ask them how they’re doing.

-You are not alone. Get WW support by posting on our FB pages. Write about how you’re being affected and how you’re feeling. Chances are if you’re feeding your stress others are as well and we can help relieve that stress other by sharing.

-Put your phone on the counter while you’re reading or watching Netflix. After chatting with my son yesterday I left my phone on the counter and checked it only twice the rest of the day and my stress/fear level dropped considerably because I wasn’t feeding it every 10 minutes.

-Get outside and get some fresh air and enjoy the abundant sunshine. Although we’ve been encouraged to practice social distancing stepping outside even in your back yard or on your balcony can help you feel less isolated.

-Put on your favourite music and dance. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to be stressed while you’re dancing! Rack up those activity points and endorphins!

-Focus on what you’ve learned in WW so far. Each and everyone of us has adopted healthy ways that are second nature so we don’t even realize we’re doing them. I neglected to mention that I did not eat the entire Tortilla Tuna mixture yesterday so I will be mixing it lettuce for lunch and I predict it will be delicious! Before WW I would have eaten the whole thing regardless of whether or not I was hungry. Time to rock our Non-Scale Victories!

-If you do stress eat, track it and let it go.

-Practice self-care without guilt.

-Become part of the solution and work our humanity by being loving, kind, patient, gracious, and generous. Smile at everyone you meet.

-Take time to just breath and be grateful. This too shall pass. ❤️❤️❤️

My closet is trying to tell me something.

This is not the topic I want to write about (again!!) but it's what keeps coming out of my fingers so I give up.  Good grief!

When the person with whom you have had the most difficult relationship in your life dies, is that the end of the relationship?  Of course the answer is no, the relationship lives on in our thoughts.  My Father fell and broke his hip on Tuesday June 11, was operated on Wednesday June 12 and died Saturday June 15 and I've been struggling ever since to figure out how I feel about it. I do know I feel so grateful that through coinciding life-altering events we banded together to care for Mom, and each other, and the possibility of what our relationship could be emerged.  Even in grief there are gifts.

In the past couple of months I've noticed the floor space in my walk-in closet getting smaller and smaller but frankly I find it fascinating so have decided to let it play itself out.  It wasn't a stretch to realize it has something to do with either my divorce, my Dad, my Mom or my weight but I couldn't pinpoint it.   Turns out it's related to all four, of course.

I see now I endeavoured to avoid the grief of my divorce by immediately focusing on the needs of my parents.  It was purposeful action (which I thrive one) and since I was at my divorce weight I thought I was good to go because no one ever gains that weight back!  I gained the weight back and more and had to buy a bigger size.  But here's the thing with a closet, it's like the mind, it only holds so much and mine is full of clothes than are now too small so all of the new clothes I've bought are hung on the ends of hangers, draped over the hangers, stuffed onto the shelves or simply left on the floor in bags.  My clothes basket quickly got buried and instead of washing all the clothes in it, I just picked out the clothes that needed washing.  To be fair to me, most of the clothes in the basket have been in there since last winter so I tell myself not to worry, winter is coming, they'll get washed.

My closet as an outward manifestation of my thoughts and this is what my thoughts are trying to tell me:
- I'm tired of being the grown-up so I've reverted to my messy "you can't make me" teenage self, but only in the closet, because, after all, I am a grown-up.
-looking after my Mom's and Dad's affairs is exhausting and I can't face adding one more thing to my to-do list.
-I'm angry that it took my divorce and Mom's Alzheimer's for my Dad to finally need me.
-you don't lose a marriage, a Mom and a Dad and not be forever changed and a big part of me is resisting that change.
-I'm afraid I'm not really capable of being the strong one.
-if you don't allow the grief have it's moment in your heart it will take up residence in your closet. Or your thighs, hips or belly.
-if I get rid of the clothes that no longer fit me, that means I accept myself as I am and I'm not sure if I'm willing/wanting/able to do that yet.

When life spirals out of control we cling to familiar behavior, even the behaviour we know is not in our best interest.  We choose to stay weighed down by anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial because the thought of opening up and acknowledging these feelings is overwhelming.  We're afraid if we open that door we may never get it shut again plus there may have been a time when anger, sadness, fear, grief, shame or denial kept us safe.

Each journey is different and we all travel at our own pace.  Usually it's the pace that feels safe to us and we must honour that feeling with love and self-compassion.  Just keep moving and seeking and bit by bit, as you allow the light in, you will start to feel safe in your own capabilities and fear less.  It is possible.

"In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you."

This journey of mine has been many things since I started on it at the age of 10: my friend, my enemy, my keeper of secrets, but most of all it's been my teacher.  Certainly not my favourite teacher like Miss Axford but perhaps my most important teacher.  

In my WW workshops I often ask "What have you learned?"or "What do you think that was meant to teach you?". These past couple of years have been extremely challenging and at times have nearly broken me. In order to find meaning in it all I turned to self-reflection and growth. I have asked myself over and over again, "What am I meant to learn from this experience?"

And here's some of what I've learned:

I've learned no matter how many truly loving and caring people reach out and offer support, most of the time it's just me so I need to search within myself and find the connection to the power that is bigger than me.  I must say it's having a profound effect on my healing and growth.

I've learned to stand up for myself and speak my mind.  This particular lesson was, and continues to be, difficult as I'm a people pleaser and don't want people to not like me, even those who have hurt me.  In order to maintain my integrity I try to make a point of only standing up for myself and not tearing someone else down in order to do so.

I've learned forgiveness can set you free and give you back your power.  This was a huge game changer for me!  I've never been one to hold hate in my heart but have had occasions when very well meaning friends and family have encouraged me to do so.  I'll admit I tried it on for size for a brief time and felt the power of it but very quickly felt the flip-side.  Hate started to consume me and kept me reliving the very pain I was trying to stop.  Then one Wednesday night I was driving back to Cobourg and my mind was running away with itself as it so often did/does on those long drives and I suddenly had a vision of myself typing, "I forgive you.". Wow!!  Where did that come from???  Whenever I'm confronted with an idea that I'm not sure of I just let it settle and percolate.  I was told by friends that I'd being saying what was done to me was okay and that I'd regret it but the thought persisted and one day I thought, "It's time.".  I will tell you it was one of the single greatest factors that lead to my healing.  It's not about them, you forgive for yourself, not for them.

I have learned to trust my gut.  Anytime in my life when I have not trusted my gut I've regretted it.  And for me it's quite literally my gut.  If I'm following what is good for me my gut is at peace.  It seems that my gut is more evolved than my brain.

I've learned self care sometimes means putting yourself first.  This is hard for so many of us especially when others need and depend on us.  I've learned it's okay to remove yourself from a stressful situation and go home and watch Netflix.

I've learned it's not only okay to say " I'm sorry but no" but that sometimes it's essential for your well-being.  This one still does not come easily, the whole people pleaser thing comes into play here, but I've learned true friends will understand and to my knowledge no one has ever died because I said "no". 

I've learned that I'll never be free of my story of unworthiness until I love all that went into making it.  Since "nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." I'm working daily on self discovery and acceptance.  But these past couple of weeks have been testing the strength of the hold those feelings have on me and man, oh man, they are not going away without a fight! I've found myself behaving like a teenager and engaging in self-sabotaging, and quite embarrassing, behaviour.  But it's particularly difficult to feel worthy when the pain is tied to someone who was supposed to love you.  Like so many of you this challenge continues because I've had it with me the longest and we cling to what is familiar even if it causes us pain.

I've learned....








Not one of us can change the experiences that shaped us but each one of us can change how we feel about those experiences.  Many of our experiences were engineered by someone else; they are not ours and they only define us if believe they do.  We may have been shaped by our experiences but we are not our experiences; we are all wonderful beings of love and possibility each with the power to write our own story. 
It's your time now.

Why, oh why?

What is your "why"?  Why did you walk through the workshop door? Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to feel better?  We all know this journey begins, and ends, in the mind, so identifying "why" you want to change a part of your life helps you stay focused and also helps you to refocus when the journey gets blurry. But knowing your "why" does not guarantee you are living your "why".  And here's why: living your "why" requires action, more specifically, action that is in alignment with your "why".

When it comes to actions that line up with our weight loss goals we all know the standard actions: tracking, activity, attending workshops, being kind to yourself, food planning and prep etc.   And we know when we put these actions in place we lose weight and feel better.  But why is it then that time after time I hear, "I'm doing everything I did before when I was losing but now I'm not!?  Why is it that some people can have a setback and the moment they start aligning their actions with their goal the weight comes off again?  As a coach it really pains me when I see members hurting and frustrated because I know what a slippery slope it can be.  I know it because I live on that slope too.

And then last night on the drive home after our workshop, where we talked about bringing our actions into alignment with our goals, it hit me why it works for some people and not for others: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment!

Think about it: when you first walked through the workshop door you already had a feeling the plan would work because it works for a friend, a sister, a co-worker or a neighbour!  So you got excited about it, signed up, started tracking, moving, prepping food, going to your workshop and you lost weight!  Happy, happy, joy, joy...the plan works!!  Week after week you became more confident, feeling lighter in your heart and your knees and hips were singing with joy!  

And then, as in EVERYONE'S journey, life gets busy and/or stressful and perhaps you miss tracking for a few days or you don't have time to prep so a little more fast food creeps in or you're too tired so you skip your daily walk.... for a week.  So then, you're either afraid you've gained weight so you skip your workshop or you decide "to face the music" and weigh in and yup, your weight is up.  And as those feelings of failure leap at the chance to reign again, you resolve to get back to all the actions that helped you lose the weigh in the first place and, yay you, you start tracking, prepping, walking everything....and the weight doesn't come off, and maybe you go up a bit.  You sit in workshop after workshop wondering what it is you're doing wrong?  You think, "Others have had setbacks and they lose the weight once back on Plan, why not me?".  

I've thought the same about my own journey for several years and now I know why: it's not enough that our actions are in alignment with our goals, the FEELINGS we attach to those actions must also be in alignment! The people who get back on track and get the results still believe that the Plan works....EVERY time!  The feelings they attach to the actions of tracking, food prep, activity are joy, belief, confidence, peacefulness, happiness, satisfaction and well-being....just like they did the first time the Plan worked for them!

So I ask you, what are the feelings you are attaching to your actions?  

-Are your tracking but fearful it won't work or do you love the feeling of security tracking gives you? 

-Are you getting activity in only to lose weight or because it feels good to move your body and calm your mind while making your knees and hips happy?  

-Do you begrudgingly take the time to plan, shop, cook, chop and bag food because it's important or do you happily plan, shop, cook, chop and bag food so you can come home at the end of a stressful day to a delicious and easy meal?

-Do you look forward to your workshops because you enjoy being with your loving tribe or are you scared if you don't go you'll gain more weight?  

-Do you feel nervous in the check-in line no matter what kind of week you've had or do you review the past week without judgment and believe you're not a number?  

-Do you attach shame and fear of judgement to a gain or do you smile and say, unapologetically, life just got in the way last week? 

Where your head goes your body will follow.

  

And finally I cried...

My Dad has been gone for over 2 months now and until last night I had yet to cry more than a few tears.  And because I'm a fixer, I grew tired of "letting the grief happen".  I know grief hits everyone differently and in their own time but I wanted my time now!  Sad movies have made me cry but not about losing Dad and Mom.  I even watched "Fried Green Tomatoes" last weekend and nothing. I looked for "Beaches" but couldn't find it.  I used to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" and think of Dad and cry sad/mad/glad tears a lot.

It's funny how the mind works, how it blocks our what may be too difficult for us to handle.  About 15 years ago my son Glenn and I watched "The Notebook" and I cried my eyes out and said to Glenn that if Mom ever got Alzheimer's Dad would be a "Noah".  Little did I know that prediction would come true, in Denbigh style of course, but never the less, he was a "Noah".  So it's odd that in all of my serious efforts to bring on the tears I only thought of "The Notebook" last night.  

I found it on Netflix and settled in for the cry.  As the opening frames of the movie start and I saw mature Allie standing in the window of the nursing home where she now lives and I started to cry immediately, and then sob uncontrollably and then turned the movie off.   I didn't cry because of thoughts of Dad being dead and Mom in a nursing home with Alzheimer's, I cried because the actress playing Allie is to me a dead ringer for the woman my husband left me for and I was shocked at the depth of my pain and the obvious grief that still lingers at losing my marriage.  I wanted tears and very specific I'm-sad-my-Dad-has-died tears!  Not a sneak attack of let's-dredge-up-the-past-one-more-time tears!  Not only that, I scared my cat Stuart who was napping on my lap!

I decided to face it head on and continue watching the movie, after all I'm on a mission and felt I needed to allow whatever emotions might surface to do so.  Since I've seen the movie at least 4 times I decided to skip through it and only watch the parts with elderly Noah and Allie and sure enough when the final scene came I cried and cried. But I didn't cry about losing my Dad and Mom, I cried about losing what I thought I had in my marriage but obviously didn't.  And there they were: the familiar feelings of unworthiness, ever present and ready to surface, leaped at the opportunity to take over. Even so I was surprised as I am in many ways healed from my divorce and my grief acceleration was meant for the loss of my parents. And, yes I can hear my therapist Paula chuckling to think that the words "grief" and "acceleration" could ever be used together.  But she knows me and that I would think it plausible.  I guess it's understandable my grief is over-lapping so I now accept and welcome it all for I know the only way through it, is to go through it. 

I've developed a practice of asking myself "What did I learn from that experience?" and I cannot tell you how many times the answer has been "Because I am not good enough."  In order to move forward I'm being challenged by my grief to examine my entire belief of self.  And not just acknowledge it, I've acknowledged for years that I live in constant fear of not being enough.  I now accept that until I change that belief I will continue to be hurt by the past and by the actions of others.  I will continue feel like a failure when I'm unable to control my eating, when I can't convince myself to get off the couch and go for a walk or when I'm unable to do the very simple things like food prep and tracking my food.

To that end I have decided to quit it all and focus on my physical health by means of focusing on my mental health.  Does that mean I'm quitting WW?  Not for a moment!  Wellness that Works is about more than losing weight and for this WW coach/member it means shifting my focus from what I eat to why and how I eat.  I will listen to my body and eat when it's hungry.  If I want food I believe not to be in it's best interest I will question why I feel the need, for example, to eat the last 3 pieces of cake at once, like I did yesterday?  When I stand at the counter to scarf down my salad I will question why is it that I can't take 5 minutes to sit down and enjoy it?  When I sit on the couch even when I know a nice walk along the beach would elevate my mood, I will ask myself why I don't believe I deserve to feel better?

And, once again I must write, "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." Pema Chodron  I guess grief is meant to continue being my teacher.  I have learned this lesson, tears are not the only physical measure of grief, sometimes it's hives. 🙄  I look like I could only afford to get fillers in my top lip and that is not a tumour growing out of my jaw, it's my earlobe.  And yes, I had a WW workshop that morning.  It worked out okay, kinda like a Show and Tell teachable moment wrapped into a comedy bit!

I'm so excited to finally start peeling back the layers and letting the light and love I freely and joyfully give to others help heal my own wounds. I figure if I can see the worthiness in everyone else perhaps I can see it in myself. Does that ring a bell with some of you??  Can you see the worthiness in others but not yourself?  Time to shine your heart-light on yourself!

For the first time in my life I trust in the new habits I've formed and that my letting go will not lead to endless binging. This is not to say there isn't some fear of gaining weight but this I know is absolutely true for me: if I don't get to where I believe I am enough as I am right now, then I will never lose weight anyway.  And, if not now, when?

What do you believe?  Do you believe you are enough?  Enough just as you are now? 

 If you do, Yay You! Please help others by being a shining light of love and compassion!  

If you don't then Yay You too, for you have an opportunity to change your belief! 

And, as always,

 if you believe "I am not enough" please, please allow your

 tribe members to help you change that life-crippling belief to 

"I am enough."